sadder still

To this point I've been doing a fairly decent job of (to borrow a line from my all time favorite tv series thirtysomething), "maintaining a level of strain." Last night, I had my first dream where I thought Nicholas was alive. As a result, today has been a very difficult day. My grief seems to be manifesting itself physically as I'm not feeling at all well. I will likely leave out from work early today. Fortunately, it's a holiday weekend, which I'm hoping will provide some breathing room to get my head and heart at least a little more together. Let's hope for the best.

grief

The funny thing about grief is how subtle yet pervasive it is. It's like this thin film layer that just lingers in and around you, and when you least expect, it will just jab you with a memory, evoking the deepest kind of sorrow. This week, my beloved dog Nicholas (his real name; I'm kind of done with the whole pseudonyms thing) had to be put to sleep. And now my heart feels like it has been permanently cracked open and all of this stuff is just perpetually oozing out of it, often finding it's way out of my tear ducts. People tell me that it was the right thing to do. It will get better with time. Maybe I should get a new dog. Truthfully, what I feel like I need is a new heart because this one is pretty banged up, and I wonder if it's salvageable.