now back to our regularly scheduled programming

(warning: this is another reflection on my friendship with sean post. proceed at your own risk)

so there's a somewhat positive sign on the sean front. it appears he did accept my contact request on skype. i use the phrases "somewhat positive sign" and "it appears" because though he is a contact, there was no additional communication to accompany the change. for what it's worth, i have added him back as a "favorite" contact on my side.

and so what now? without any more word from him, i guess i go back to where things were before my hurt reaction on sunday. i go back to worrying how he's doing and wishing i could be of help in some way.

i've asked myself, not just now but over the weeks and months prior, why the silence? i mean, weeks go by and i just send a friendly text or skype note saying i hope he's doing well, not asking for anything more of him and then after a month or so of no responses, i reach out saying i'm concerned and would just like word that he's still alive. one time he did respond, letting me know he wasn't in a good space. this latest time he has not replied to this day. i do know he's alive but not how his life is going. maybe that should be sufficient. i'm not sure.

he's my friend. i have never used that word lightly. i don't describe people with whom i work or know casually as friends as some do. i only use this term for people to whom i feel a strong mutual connection, and that i know i want to give my loyal support and that i believe (at least hope) feel the same about me.

i once expressed to sean, just after we met for the first time that i didn't want to creep him out, but as a result of our first in-person meeting, i felt we were bonded together. he said it didn't creep him out at all and that he shared a similar feeling. we've only met up two times after that. the third time he visited me at my home.

i can only tell you that each time we've met in person, they have been really great experiences. each time better than i anticipated it would be. we had these conversations where he was so open and shared so much about who he is and i did likewise. they were the kind of conversations that you felt like you really connect. i shared with him once, after a similar kerfuffle about being in contact with one another, that it is rare to find someone who you get and feels gets you. he sent back a smiley face emoji.

i guess i share these things because i've been scrolling back through some old skype conversations and they've reminded me of what i believe has been the nature of our friendship. it hasn't been easy due to our respective personal demons and dysfunctions, but at its heart it has been a good friendship (something i wish i had captured more of in this blog). i don't want to hold us to all that has been, but i also don't want to lose the best of what was in whatever will be (though my confidence wavers as to whether there will be a "will be" for us).

and what if there is not? at this place in time, particularly if we end like this with no further contact from him, i know i will feel disappointed and hurt and wounded. i believe, as happens with the loss of all things we perceive to have been good, the pain will be with me in some form or another the rest of my life (the reverberations of the end of the relationship with my friend from high school are still echoing in my heart). it might not be healthy or wise or practical, but it is how i'm wired. i think it's also the reason why i'm back in therapy (something i believe god tricked me into, but that is a story for another time).

i also know that i will still care about him. i will still wonder and even worry about how he is doing. i will still think of him as my friend.

a different approach

this entry may be a bit of an "eye roller" for those longer term readers of this blog. please indulge me or if you prefer, skip this one and come back to the next entry (whenever that one may appear). also, as i would guess might be obvious with the situation with sean, it is also likely that the next entries for the foreseeable future will be about that relationship, so again, if you're done with that topic, either proceed with caution or find the nearest emergency exit.

i think i've shared previously that i had a similar friendship issue back when i was in college that involved my best friend from high school. for those who are not familiar with this particular story or need a refresher, the gist of the story is this. after our sophomore year in college, i would visit my friend at her home and each time she seemed less than interested to see me. after a few of these encounters, i sought advice from my mother on how to deal with the situation. she advised that my friend just needed some space and that i should give that to her by not contacting her. she would get back in touch with me when she was ready. i'm still waiting.

actually, that's not completely true. after we all graduated college, i had my friends from high school come over for a little celebratory party. i invited this one friend and she came. i have to admit it was kind of awkward, the conversation was stilted, and she left early. still, i was glad she did visit. that was pretty much the last time i saw her (i did run into her briefly one last time at the mall some years later with a guy who i assumed was her then boyfriend).

so we fast forward to now. similar situation. a friend is responding to me as if he is no longer interested in my friendship. after some months of experiencing this stand offish kind of behavior, i felt that he was telling me to shove off and move on. as a response, i deleted his phone number from my cell. i removed him as a contact on skype (even blocked him, but only because he wouldn't disappear from my favorites list unless i did so). i erased every trace of him on my computer. these actions were intended to serve two purposes. one was to prevent me from contacting him as he seemed to want me to do. the other was to prevent the pain that would occur from being reminded of him and his former presence in my life.

the thing is i've continued to be haunted by my pledge to be his friend and to be there for him as he needed me. for whatever reason it's difficult for me to turn my back on a person if i have the slightest belief that i could be of help.

i also believe that god places a burden on our hearts for people that he wishes to be in our lives for some reason or purpose that might be not be discernible to us. it doesn't mean we're supposed to be there forever or even a long period of time. it could be for just a season; however long it may need to be and for whatever reason. and when our purpose is fulfilled, i feel that god will give a sense of release from the relationship. that has not happened in sean's case -- at least not yet.

this morning i woke up thinking about him and the situation with my friend from high school. i thought about how over all of these years i still wish i'd taken a different approach to the one my mother suggested. yes, it would have been fine to give her a bit of space, but at a certain point, i wish i had reached back out one more time and had a conversation with her about what the feelings i was having of her seeming to not want to be friends. the result might have been the same, but at least i would have tried.

and so i did something that even now i'm questioning the wisdom of doing. i unblocked sean on skype. i sent him a contact request with a note saying "the ball is in your court." it's an attempt. it's an attempt i'm questioning for it's potential to harm me even further. still, if i don't hear from him, then i will know that my perceptions are correct, that our friendship is at an end and i will have to learn to live with that fact.

i likely will still be haunted by questioning of why this end happened at this particular time.  there have been other times i would have understood, but at this time, after years of repeated assurances that he still wanted to be friends, this sudden change has me mystified and hurt.

last night i questioned why my heart and mind seemed to be in such misalignment. my head asking why i was so upset about a person who seemed to be indicating that he wasn't interested in being friends? why was i continuing to be concerned about a friendship that was not wanted and why did i want to continue when i felt i wasn't respected or valued by the other person? why quite simply was my heart not in synch with my head?

maybe it's this burden that i feel divinely given. maybe it's just obsessive-compulsive behavior. maybe it's just quite simply that no one wants to feel unwanted or just maybe it's the fact that my perceptions are wrong and i'm trying to set the situation right. i don't really know what's happening, but i hope, by taking this different approach, i will find out.

the happily ever after

i'm always fascinated by how the experience from our childhoods have such a significant impact on how we as adults think and behave. one particular experience is hearing the stories of princes and princesses, witches and trolls, dangerously inquisitive children and heartless stepmothers, and of course, once upon a times and happily ever afters -- the stories we collectively refer to as fairy tales.

recently, i've made some pretty significant changes in my life. i've taken a new job in a new city to begin yet another new chapter in my life. and just as in those childhood tales, after the "hero" or "heroine" overcomes countless obstacles to obtain their long hoped for prize, the expectations of all who've witnessed my own journey of struggle with depression and life disappointments has been hopes that a happily ever after experience is assured. and so off i was sent, with congratulations and well-wishes, off into the sunset and my "hea" life.

the thing is, at least from my experience, there is no such thing as a "hea" life. the same challenges in this chapter of life that existed in the previous ones can emerge and have. i'm challenged with adjusting to a new work environment and relationships that are quite different from the ones that i have just left. the process of setting up a new household and all the elements of a life in a new locale has been exhausting. and lastly,  as alluded to in a recent entry, i'm having to come to terms with the fact that, as much as i wanted to be a friend to sean, it's not what he wants and so it's time to leave him be and let go of the relationship.

this last one is particularly hard. as i've shared in many previous entries, it's difficult to want to give support and encouragement and, yes, a form of love to a person and not have that accepted. it leaves me feeling defeated and worthless. every time i think about it, the pain makes my heart feel as if it's about to burst. it's not easy when he's someone i've tended to think about at least once a day i get weepy when he comes to mind and it's one of the reasons that i pretty much had to remove anything that would remind me of him from my life.

and there hasn't even been a goodbye (or a "get lost" for that matter). just silence to every attempt to reach out that i've made over the past month plus. no reply even to my sharing concerns that some harm may have come to him and just wanting some reassurance that he's alive and well. nothing.

for the last three years, i've been hoping he's doing well, praying that he will get through this difficult time in his life, wanting to do whatever i can to help, and at the end of the day, it's not enough.

and that has been the story of my life with so many relationships, particularly those with men. i know this latest episode and the pain that it elicits will be with me for awhile. i don't really know how i will recover from this.

what i do know is, at least right now, there is no happily in this ever after.

my future in redux

another unexplained lost relationship. another deep wound to my heart. more lost ability to trust. more lost capability to hope. more doubt about whether i will ever be happy again.

hands clean - alanis morissette

the sound of a bridge burning

i told myself i would never post this song unless something in particular happened. it did. so i am.

and yes it is the sound of a bridge burning. and if you listen closely enough, a heart breaking.

gravity by sara bareilles