i've grown to hate the night

i shared that thought in an online conversation with s.r. last night. it was probably about mid-way in our discussion of my depressed state. the comment was my sharing the fact that the same thoughts of loneliness, desire for love and fears for my future seem to come on me strongest at night. i guess this phenomenon occurs because my mind is no longer focused on the tasks of the day and is free to wander.

this is not to say that my mornings have been all that easy either. building up the motivation to get out of bed when i don't really have to (i've been on vacation since Dec. 25th) has been quite a challenge. yet somehow i've gotten over that hurdle to at least perform a few tasks around the house (and i'm happy to report my "project" is pretty much complete. now i have another one in the garage to tackle but that will have to be something that's done a bit at a time over the next few months. part of my motivation for these projects is that i will be moving out of my current abode in april to a new domicile, and i want to be organized for the move by getting rid of whatever i don't absolutely need).

so, if you were drawing a mood chart for my day, i suppose it would look like an upside down "u". except the peak of the "hill" would not be that much higher than the start or end points.

and i can't help but wonder if heading back into the work environment will be of help or just make an already difficult situation that much more so. you see i'm going to head back to a new job of sorts with a much greater scope of responsibility and accountability. it is an opportunity that i am both excited about and a little unnerved by. if i were fully myself, i would be far more of the former and much less of the latter. but i don't feel fully myself and there is this great uncertainty as to when or if i ever will again.

i keep maintaining that it amazes me that the human heart can feel such pain and continue to function. yet it does, waiting and hoping for a better day.

my pain, part II

i've posted this song before, but after hearing it again this morning, i felt a need to post it again (oh, and the fact that i'm listening to evanescence should tell you all you need to know about my mood this a.m.). this song, in both lyric and tone, seemed a fitting companion to yesterday's song from we are the fallen (and those familiar with both groups know that yesterday's band is made up of former members of evanescence).

there is one lyric in particular that stands out from today's song (even as i type this it continues to echo in my heart and mind:

i can't go on living this way, but i can't go back the way i came
chained to this fear that i will never find a way to heal my soul
and i will wander 'til the end of time half alive without you

again, words that are so applicable to my life it's as if this song was literally written for me. and maybe it was -- for me and the thousands (likely even millions) more like me who are going through this experience of a broken heart right now. love may be wonderful but the loss of it and the hope for it to come again are very, very difficult.

my heart is broken -- evanescence

my pain

the first song for 2014's soundtrack. i'm not sure i could have found a song that better articulates what i've been feeling for so many of these past few weeks -- a feeling that came crashing down upon me last night and literally decimated my soul. the fact that i came across it "by accident" makes it seem all the more providential. this sadness, this pain, this fear are all found here. may god have mercy on me please.

i am only one - we are the fallen

losing the plot

i had a pretty rough night last night that's spilling over to this morning. I'm not sure what triggered it. i just remember taking a bath and having this thought that i'm losing track of what exactly the point of all of this thing we call life is. i've been to this place before and it feels like that moment when you're watching a film that's got a complex plot and all of a sudden you're not sure what exactly is going on, who people are, and why they are behaving in the way that they are.

later in the evening, i was "watching" a program on hgtv (the tv was on with the sound off and i'd occasionally look up from the magazine i was reading to see what was going on) when a particular host who i've always been a bit smitten with came on the screen. he looked his usual charming self and i wondered, "why hasn't a man like that come into my life?" this thought rapidly led to, "what's wrong with me, why am i so undeserving of having someone like that in my life?" the downward trajectory of my mood pretty much accelerated from there.

i then had an online chat with s.r. that i don't think went well. he was in a jovial, playful mood and i was far removed from that place. he made a comment about confronting my demons and i remember responding that my demons were kicking my ass at that particular moment. for the rest of the time i tried to engage but i couldn't. a wall was starting to be erected and the bricks were made up of my doubts of the sincerity of his concern and skepticism of any real commitment he may have had to our friendship. i signed off pretty abruptly, running from a situation that had become entirely too painful, uncertain of what damage i've left in my wake.

and so all in all the night was indeed pretty rough. the day isn't feeling much different.

that project

we all have one. it's that project around the house that you keep saying you're going to get to but days, weeks, even months pass by before you actually do. yesterday was my day of reckoning with the project i'd been putting off for many months -- cleaning up my second bedroom.

over the past several months that room as become a literal dumping ground for everything that i didn't want to take the time to find a place for -- books, magazines, newspapers, replaced electronics, dolls (both in and out of box), my vintage fashion magazine collection. it has become so bad that one look in caused me to make the observation, "i know there's a bed and furniture in there somewhere, but i would be hard pressed to find them."

as you would imagine, the situation has not been helped by my depressed emotional state, but depressed or not, i felt that i needed to get in there and do something about it. so yesterday i began the arduous task of bringing some order to the chaos. i state began because i've been working for the last two days and still only find myself at about the half way mark toward completion. this is a case where neither the spirit or the flesh is exactly willing and both appear to be pretty weak and there's a whole lot more work than i have energy to complete. so i'm taking it a bit at a time, hopeful that by the time i go out of town for work in about a week and half, i will be done.

i was hoping that doing this kind of work would help my mood, but it really hasn't. i work. i finish for the day. i feel sad. i guess the room isn't the only thing that's going to take some time to fix up. i'm more confident about the room though than i am about my heart.

feeling loved

not too long after finishing yesterday's blog entry, i decided to head out to a nearby office supply store to pick up some items for a little project i'm working on. on my way out of the store, i came upon what i assumed was a father and his two children, a boy and a girl. the father was putting his young daughter in the seat of the shopping cart, but what drew my attention was the little boy. i would guess he was about seven or eight and he was smiling and giggling while doing little jumps; it was as if he was doing his best to contain his excitement, but his overall delight in the situation of being out with his father kept spilling over anyway. it was clear that he felt safe and loved. it was a lovely scene and brought a smile to my own face as i headed out for a quick trip to the store next door.

what was not so lovely a scene was my car ride home as i thought about what i had witnessed and then realized that in not a single fiber of my being did i have that feeling of being safe and loved. last night the world felt like a cold, scary, lonely place for me. i won't go into details but the remainder of the night seemed to reinforce that feeling.

and this morning? well, this morning i came upon an email sent yesterday from a dear friend expressing concern about my well-being and for a brief moment the world got a bit warmer. i fear though that the day is still very new and i have many hours to fill. in addition, it's new year's eve tonight, another time for the gathering of friends and lovers, and i will spend this night, as i have many a day, alone. and yet the deeper concern is not about spending this one new year's eve alone, my pain rests in wondering for how many more will that be the case.

in a strange space

today was another rough day. i'm not sure why but it feels like my mood is getting worse rather than better. i've been off from work for almost a week, and yet i feel more tired and listless as the days go by. i slept for a few hours today and still feel unrested. it's a strange space. with no apparent way out.

an even exchange?

yesterday, i was feeling the need for a walk. so despite the fact that the sun was going down and the temperature with it, i bundled up, grabbed my ipod and headed out the door.

though this kind of activity should be a part of of my daily routine, i tend to find that my walks most often come about due to a need to work out some tension or stress. yesterday was no different as, following a day of feeling down about my current life situation, the urge to peregrinate struck me once again.

as i was walking along my familiar path, my mind went to the last time i went for a walk. at that time i was feeling depressed about the state of my relationship with michael and likely knew that a decision was approaching about whether to continue or to end it.  it was a pretty teary journey. this time i was thinking that i was on the other side of that decision, and now i was sad about the fact that i was alone with no clear prospects for when and if that would change. so again it was a pretty teary journey with the added awareness of the fact that i had simply exchanged one sad situation for another.  the question that came to mind though was one that was consistent with other recent thoughts i've had, that being, "was it an even exchange?"

in other words, was the unhappiness i was experiencing at being alone more painful than the sadness i felt about being in a wrong relationship? part of me says, "yes," if only for the fact that when i was struggling with whether to remain in the relationship there was this little glimmer of hope (false as it may have been) that maybe things would get better. as i knew then and am experiencing now, it is difficult to let go of something you have for an unknown, uncertain future. now that i have, i'm feeling that i greatly underestimated how hard this exchange would be even though i've been to this place before.

and with that it feels like it's time for another walk.