needed - a dose of love

so i've hurt my ankle. well, actually hurt is probably understating the situation. i've actually fractured it. it's the result of an overzealous workout in which, rather than listening to the initial pain signals my body was sending, i decided to "push through" the pain. i pushed through all right all the way into a crack in my ankle bone.

this stupidity was only exceeded by the fact that i assumed that i had merely sprained my ankle and all i needed to do was ice it and take some ibuprofen and all would be well. and so, i proceeded to walk on it (limp most of the time) for two plus weeks until finally the pain became so great i needed to go to the emergency room, where, much to my surprise and dismay, i learned about the full extent of damage i had brought upon myself.

and so here i lay on my living room couch with a temporary cast, awaiting a trip to the orthopedist on monday where it will be determined if i need to go into a soft cast or not. i am not happy about this turn of events (which i'm sure comes as no surprise).

as a result of this injury, i am walking with a cane, which makes everything take twice as long to accomplish. i am not able to drive and will have have to spend much of my time within the four walls of my apartment. i will work from home with occasional trips into the office for which i will have to get a car to take me.

and if the physical pain and inconveniences were not enough, there is also the emotional toll this injury is taking on me. it feels as if there is a special kind of loneliness that visits me as a single adult dealing with any kind of illness or physical ailment. it seems to cut deeper into my heart and weighs heavier on my mind. my mood is darker and my sense of vulnerability is more acute. all because there is no one here with me to ease this burden and to nurture me to health.

i wonder at times like this which is worse, the actual physical injury or the emotional turmoil that accompanies it. funny thing though is i can take medication for the physical pain and a boot will be placed around my foot to protect it from further injury and facilitate the healing process. i guess the love of another would be the cure for my wounded soul. unfortunately, that is one remedy  for which my doctor can't prescribe.

i had another one of those dreams

i had another one of those dreams last night.

i was sitting on a couch with a man that was unknown to me in my waking life but very known to me in this world of my dreams.

he was a friend. a good friend. a best friend.

we were sitting on a couch together amongst a group of other friends, in the dark, watching a movie. his arm was around me and at a certain point, for no immediately apparent reason, he put a finger on my chin and turned my face towards his.

he smiled at me. it was a smile with which i was very familiar. a smile that said i care about you my friend. a smile that made me feel safe and loved.

i smiled back in kind and with the same feeling.

and then he leaned into me and our lips touched. this was new. something that we had not done before but something that also felt very right.

we kissed and his tongue lightly entered my mouth. i sucked on the tip and the act filled me with warmth and peace.

and then i woke up. the warm feeling still lingering within me and a smile on my face.

but as the day has gone on the warm feeling has left me and a cold ache of loneliness has taken its place. and the smile has given way to soft tears and a yearning heart.

and i wonder, do i wish i didn't have these types of dreams or that i didn't wake up from them?

belief system shaken not stirred

i have a long-term habit of waking up to music. at one time it was npr, but there's just so much erudite commentary one can endure that early in the morning, so i shifted my alarm setting to "cd" and have greeted each day with favorite songs by favorite artists. usually, i pick one particular album, and it stays in rotation for several weeks.

my current music selection is jason mraz's yes. it's an album that has been a wake up selection before, and i particularly enjoy it as it has a gentle opening (interestingly enough called rise) that leads into a lovely song that pleasantly arouses one from slumber to begin what, for me at least, tends to be a long day.

as i listened to that first song (titled love someone), the first lyrics jumped out at me. "love is a funny thing, whenever i give it, it comes back to me." i guess the reason why these lyrics are so striking is that they capture what has been a long-held belief of mine - that love is a powerful generative force, creating a continuous feedback loop between both the receiver and the giver. it is a belief though that has been greatly shaken by my friendship with sean.

over the past few weeks, i've found myself having to grapple with the reality that any active relationship with sean is long past, and, his brief reemergence a couple of weeks ago notwithstanding, it is likely that my journey to becoming a memory in his life will be complete very soon.

i've shared before that it is very painful to give love and have no sense that it is making any difference in the life of the person to whom you are providing it or in the quality of your relationship with him. the lack of reciprocity feels like throwing a grain of sand into the ocean. there is likely some impact, but it is so infinitesimal that it seems meaningless.

this burdensome thought, as this blog can most certainly attest, has continued to make itself known periodically over the course of my friendship with sean. this sense that while i have attempted to be a good friend and give love freely, it has little if any significance to his life. i guess this feeling seems most acute now as my ability to believe that things could be otherwise has been greatly diminished by events over the past few months.

my heart is particularly heavy this day. i woke up this way, and i imagine the feeling will persist throughout my remaining waking hours. accepting the truth of a loss of something i greatly valued is hard. having the loss cause me to seriously doubt a central part of my belief system feels especially devastating as i know it will effect my subsequent relationships with men for some time to come. hesitancy to give love and doubts of the resilience of the relationship i sense will be ever present should i attempt any form of significant connection with men in the future.

i'm back in therapy and my therapist asked me recently why i thought it was so difficult to dispel the belief that my relationships with men inevitably will end in loss and heartbreak. i told him it's because i tend to take in the times that it happens as further evidence that supports this perspective.

i suppose then with the slow demise of my friendship with sean, this is a case of one belief system shaken and another one reinforced.