darker still

i'm not entirely sure what's going on with me, but i'm finding my thoughts are becoming increasingly darker in terms of my outlook on life. this feeling that my life will never be better, that there is no reason to hope for anything different seems to be settling in my spirit and calcifying my heart. it is a process that is beginning to feel so palpable that it is almost as much physically painful as it is emotionally. the phrase "there is no hope for me" has been playing over and over in my head for the last several minutes and my attempts to silence that voice have been unsuccessful. so many times over the past year plus, i've had these same types of moments where i've thought that i was going literally insane. why is the simple wish for peace and love in my life so much to ask for? why can't i be found in this deep, dark place?

slipping again

at the start of this week, i had a long awaited visit from someone who has become a true and dear friend. although the time we spent together was relatively brief, i had a great time (and i hope he feels the same). it is certainly my hope that we will not have to wait as long as we did this time to see one another again and that when that next opportunity happens that the duration is at least a day longer. that's my hope but i understand life has a way of interfering with our desired plans.

since his departure i have to admit that i have been struggling quite a bit emotionally. tonight my heart has been particularly heavy and my eyes especially weepy. i'm not entirely sure what exactly is bringing on this sadness. i just know that i continue to feel lost and alone. it's as if the underlying substance of my life is wholly unsatisfying and that there is nothing that will change that fact. that my desire for companionship is not going to be fulfilled and that the experience of having a place where i am at home in this world will forever elude me.

i heard this song earlier today. i'm pretty sure i've shared it before and i think in terms of tone and sentiment it expresses my mood and disposition this evening pretty accurately -- this evening and many evenings over the previous year plus.

havoc - alanis morissette