an elegy to a relationship, part one

It's been a good and difficult period of life all at the same time. The next two posts are about the difficult part. Not using many words of my own. For this experience I resort again to my emotional outlet of music, and with that, one of my favorite groups as the messenger. Heard these two songs, which interestingly enough, are back to back on the latest Evanescence album. With each one I felt, "yes, that's what is going on in my heart," and I knew I had to post them here. Click on the title of the song to get to the music, but I've provided the lyrics here as well .

"The Change" - Evanescence



Thought that I was strong

I know the words I need to say

Frozen in my place

I let the moment slip away



I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough



Never meant to lie

But I'm not the girl you think you know

The more that I am with you

The more that I am all alone



I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough



Not that I'm so different

Not that I don't see

The dying light of what we used to be

But how could I forgive you?

You've changed!

And I'm a liar by your side

I'm about to lose my mind



'Cause I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



You've been dreaming

If you're thinking

That I still belong to you

And I've been dying,

Because I'm lying to myself!

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough

an elegy to a relationship, part two

Continuing to let the music speak for me today about a pain that still burns in my heart.

[Click on Title to Hear Song]

"My Heart Is Broken"


I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.


I pulled away to face the pain.

I close my eyes and drift away.

Over the fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul.

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Torn away from you.



My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

(Over my heart).



I can't go on living this way

But I can't go back the way I came

Chained to this fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Half alive without you



My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us



Change - open your eyes to the light

I denied it all so long, oh so long

Say goodbye, goodbye



My heart is broken

Release me, I can't hold on

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

my heart's desire

over the past few days, i've had a couple of experiences that have reminded me of a need that resides deep in my heart. there are times that i become fully aware of it and there are times when it remains in my subconscious, but never, ever is it not at work in some form or fashion. i know the need is not unique to me, and i suspect that it is a primal need that exists in all of us. i always define this need as the need "to know and to be fully known." it is this great desire to understand people fully and to be understood fully. i have yet to experience either and recognize that this lack is part of the human condition.

to that last point, i'm reminded of one of the greatest pieces of wisdom that i've ever received. it came in a lunch time conversation with a priest friend back in st. louis. it's funny; i don't remember the particular situation i was discussing with him save that it had to do with my having a difficult time figuring out what was happening in some relationship i was involved in at the time. though i can't remember what i was discussing, his response remains with me to this day. The reason, my priest friend shared, that i was having difficulty with understanding the individual under discussion is that we are all made in the image of god and, on this side of heaven at least, god is mystery to us -- a being/force that we can't fully know or understand. thus, it is with other human beings.

with that bit of insight, i recognize that the need that i carry is likely not possible to be achieved in the land of the living. still, it would be nice to have that special person in my daily life for whom to know me as deeply as possible and likewise for me to know him are among our primary goals. it would be very nice.