love again?

i've mentioned before that i've recently been pondering returning to the house i shared with my ex to pick up some personal items. i've also mentioned that thinking about doing so has caused me to reminisce about that relationship and that reflection has engendered emotions of missing him and the good parts of the relationship we shared for almost a decade.

i would be dishonest if i didn't admit that missing being with him has made me question whether or not the relationship ending is a good thing. and yes i've even wondered if there were some slim chance that we could actually make things work. ponderings yes. thoughts to follow through on, no.

as much as my heart yearns for the familiarity of that relationship, experience has shown me that the melding of our lives is not meant to be. we may be ok individuals apart, but we are not better people together. well, speaking for my own part, i know i am not the better for the relationship and that sadly the pain resulting has been greater than the pleasure. 

but it's hard to recognize that this reality is the case with someone that you sincerely love and care about. still, the question that i know needs to be answered is not what does it mean that i still love him, but rather, is it possible for me to feel the same way about someone else? even more so (and perhaps this is where the doubt creeps in), will someone feel the same way about me again?

love is such a mysterious force. it is perhaps the greatest evidence for me of the presence of the divine as it can appear seemingly out of nowhere and can transform one's life in ways that are astonishing and breathtaking. it seems almost greedy to hope that that kind of experience will happen again in one's lifetime. but hope i do.

beginning to live a hoped for reality

i'm not sure if this is a situation unique to me, but i always have found the time immediately after the realization of some desired outcome to be a little surreal. i think it has something to do with the fact that i work really hard to protect myself from disappointment.

the dynamic generally works something like this. the potential for something that i really want to happen comes into my life. it develops from a possibility, to a likelihood, to a certainty, to actually happening. all along the way in that process, i do my best not to buy completely into the belief that it is going to happen. that way, should it not take place, i will not be disappointed.

before i continue with the main subject of this blog entry, i feel i need to deal first with the major absurdity of that construct. no matter how i try to protect myself from disappointment, it never works. if the hoped for reality does not come to pass, i find myself feeling equally as disappointed if not more so than i originally thought i would be. i consider that to be the very definition of wasted effort.

however, the focus of today's writing is what happens when what i've hoped for does indeed come to pass. in this particular case, obviously, it's the new job. after months of knowing it might happen, it now has. what's bizarre is i have to remind myself that it has happened. the offer has been made, and certainly my plan is to accept it (as soon as i hear back from the recruiter on how to return the requested paperwork).

so now the dynamic goes something like this. i think about looking forward to going to the new job. a thought comes that i shouldn't think about the new job because it might not happen. then another thought comes that says, "wait i got the offer. i guess it is going to happen. so i suppose it's ok to thing about it." add to this the fact that it's also been a secret that i've carried within myself. so now, with my announcing my resignation last week, people are coming up to me to talk about this hoped for reality that up to a week ago i was trying my best not to have them know about. it all gets very confusing.

and this is just the beginning. wait until it comes to actually living the hoped for reality. more on that to come (i hope. i mean, i will).