feeling exposed

It's been a strange experience re-entering the world of blogging. I decided to do it because I felt with such a major life transition, I really needed to be journaling again, so why not use this medium to do so. I also decided that unlike the previous blog, this one was really going to be just for me. If other people read it, well that would be ok. Maybe my take on my life experiences could be useful to someone else thinking through their own issues. Then I thought I'm so terrible at keeping in touch with people this would be a great vehicle for people who were wondering how I was doing to just drop by and take a look at their leisure, so I started letting people know the address of this blog. Then this situation with Nigel emerged, and now I'm wondering if all of those decisions were really compatible with one another?

I am now sharing what had largely been my private stuff save the one friend (well and Nigel of course. However, given his reactions to what I've shared, maybe I was correct in my first characterization). After the last couple of days, I'm sort of feeling like I'm wearing the emperor's clothes. For now I believe I've made the right choices. The people who know me who may or may not be reading are people I believe truly care about me and so are probably the ones who I should have been sharing this stuff with all along. However, if I think something I'm about to share is "too much information" for people who know me, I might put some kind of "TMI Warning" at the beginning of the post (so be forewarned you few readers you).

So, as for my thoughts on the situation with Nigel, I have one simple perspective. I want both Nigel and myself to be in a relationship that is both happy and healthy, that supports and encourages the other towards greater degrees of wholeness. I would like this to be the same relationship for each of us, our relationship. I think this means being honest with each other about what we want from life, which I also know, means that first we each need to be honest with our own selves first, which may be the more difficult feat.

One friend is skeptical that the relationship will be able to continue. He says that in the entire time that he has known Nigel (which is much longer than I have), Nigel has not changed and what would be necessary for Nigel and me to be in the kind of relationship I desire, all agree, will require some growth and yes change on both our parts. He may be right, but I could not live with myself if I did not encourage us to try.

I was in Bed, Bath, and Beyond (lingering mostly in the "Beyond" part I guess) earlier today, and I came across a set of those 3-D inspirational word plaque thingies. I found myself drawn to one that said simply "FAITH." If I remember correctly, recovering Evangelical moving on to lapsed Catholic that I am, faith is defined in the Bible as "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." I certainly need an abundance of that, so I bought it and it now sits on top of the entertainment center in my little rental home as a helpful reminder. Plus, since I've already determined that I want to dwell in hope and to draw from love, it seems only fitting that I have faith to complete the set.

this is going to be tough

More communications between Nigel and myself following my note to him. I have no additional commentary (save the title of this entry) to express how I feel. Perhaps towards the end of the weekend, I'll have something to share:


Dear clarus,

I have spent the evening and now early morning hours considering both our conversation and letter. I must say that it is with a heavy heart that I send this email.

I am particularly struck by the statement that "you are no longer interested in preserving the relationship at all cost" (paraphrased). It seems odd to make such a remark so early into this new "relationship."

I thought I would never hear that from you, so it comes as quite a shock to the senses. I know that I do not want to be one of the many gay couples who end their relationship after a few years; how convenient it is to RUN from one's relationship problems.

It is clear to me a least (based a careful read and re-read of your letter) that you hold serious levels of anger toward me. Right now, I feel like a complete failure as I feel that everything I have done in the past 7 years has been wrong. I remembering you saying that I was a "nag" for saying things bout dining, TV programming, etc. I thought I had made a serious change in my behavior in that regard. I guess I didn't.
I thought I was a loving partner. I guess I was mistaken in that too.

As of this writing, I feel shocked, angry, disgusted, sad, hurt, and punched in the stomach. I'm also guardedly optimistic.

Love,
Nigel

PS: I also know that this email is not well-written. I do not think I have expressed myself well. In part this is because I do not know what to say.


Dear Nigel,

I am so sorry that you have had a difficult night and that I am the cause of it. It really does break my heart to think how much you are suffering. When I made the statement I did, which I agree with you was gut-wrenching, I made it with a full reflection on all of the years we have been together. In all that time, I did have a "preserving at all costs" mentality. Unfortunately, for me that meant squelching my perspectives and denying my needs. In fact this e-mail is probably a great example of the dynamic at work.

You would do or not do something. I would think about talking with you about it. I would more often than not choose not to address it because I was not sure how you would react. You might become seriously angry and lash out at me. You might become emotionally devastated and not be able to get out of bed for days. I am not sure if you realize this, but you can be a formidable presence -- even in your silence.

You mentioned feeling like a failure. I feel that way too. I feel like I should have been better at standing up to you, at expressing my feelings, at demanding a real response from you, but I wasn't and the question for me now is can I be in this new phase of our relationship?

When I wrote that I was not willing to go back to the relationship the way it was before, this is part of what I meant. I can't be silent anymore and if it means your lashing out or being hurt, then I guess it does, but know this also. I cannot continue to willingly put myself in that kind of situation. I cannot look at you unable to get out of bed because of something I've said and feel whole. That kind of situation is too damaging for my own psyche. There are people who could do that -- who could look at you in that situation and say "well, that's his problem." I am not one of them. I think you of all people know that.

I've come a long way in developing a thicker skin, but my heart is still vulnerable. In the work world, I am now managing much better with allowing people to own their feelings and not take on the responsibility of their stuff. The question now is can I do that at home? Do I even want to? I feel that to become the kind of person who is not affected by another person's pain would move me too far from the person that I believe God has created me to be. To become that person would mean that I am no longer me. This is what I meant by preserving at any cost. Does being with you mean that I have to kill off who I am?

Home is a place that I want to come to to be at peace and at comfort with who I am. When I spoke to you about being under siege, it was about my not understanding why I had to justify some of my most basic decisions.

Nigel, you are a loving person, and I know that I do love you, but there are other aspects at work as well. This is very difficult. I just keep thinking that I want you to be well and I want me to be well. That and I am really tired.

I will talk with you later tonight. Love. cmh

P.S. Your e-mail was very well written because it expressed your heart. That's all that matters.

getting real-er

Here is my response to Nigel. It's a long one so read at your leisure. A wrap-up to provide context and perhaps Nigel's reaction tomorrow.

August 13, 2008


Dearest Nigel,

I write this letter at the beginning of another day with a heavy heart. I think it was obvious by my reaction in the phone call last night that your letter affected me to say the least – not only because of the feelings you expressed but because it has forced me to finally confront the thoughts and emotions that have been swirling on the edges of my own consciousness. It seems that I have not allowed them to fully form and motivate conscious action (though they appear to have been working on the subconscious level). Why you may be asking? I think it is because I am afraid of the emotion they will evoke in both of us. There is even admittedly some fear of what my expressed feelings will motivate you to do – concerns about knee-jerk retaliation or other harmful acts do come to mind as possibilities (and I believe you understand why they would). Yet, as you have heard me say before, fear is not a realm that I will purposely choose to dwell in, and so, I begin to put my thoughts on paper. Unfortunately, words are so limiting and can have so many meanings that I fear that my true feelings will not come across or will be misconstrued. Still, you expressed some serious and heartfelt perspectives that deserve a response. My hope is, however imperfect, this letter will at least be a start.

I feel that I should first revisit how we got to this place from my perspective. When Prudence made her initial overtures back in March, believe it or not, I went through quite a struggle of whether or not to even initiate an exploration of the matter. I knew that I was not happy in my life, particularly with my role at [my previous job] and just the overall work environment there. On the other hand, I knew that you had expressed that you believed changing jobs would be extremely difficult if not impossible. That fact coupled with your understandable concern for your mother and your overall reluctance to leave the Midwest made me, at first, feel that, as promising as a new opportunity with Prudence would be, it did not seem that it was in the cards as they say. It was not until I had a conversation with an old friend (not Joe by the way) that I realized that the reality was that you and I were both unhappy with life and stuck in that state. It was with that new perspective that I approached you about pursuing discussions with Prudence.

I truly believe that my initial hope for this process was that it would be just the push to get us “unstuck.” I was very scared (and still have a little trepidation), but what kept me going was the single thought, “what if this were the exact action that needed to be taken to get us both to a place of happiness and fulfillment with life.” Now, it is my hope that these thoughts are not new to you because I expressed them repeatedly from the outset of the process. If they are new to you then I think that fact may say something in and of itself.

I am seeing now, particularly with your note, that my hopes may have been misguided. Though I believe, through the circumstances that have led to it and followed, the change is exactly what I needed to do, I see we have different perspectives of the desired outcomes for this change. I really want this to change to work. I want the job and my life experience here to be as successful as possible for as long as possible. I don’t think you feel the same. Truly, at the core we probably have different perspectives on our life together and LIFE (as you wrote) in general.

You wrote “we miss LIFE by being apart,” but I hope you will look back and see that, particularly in recent years, I, at least, had no LIFE in Midwest. I didn’t even have a life. I was not living but existing. After so many years of a combination of work and struggle in and outside of our household, my soul was crushed and my spirit was broken. I could elaborate on the work and struggle but if thoughts and specific examples don’t immediately spring to mind for you then rehashing them in a list here will have little use. I had gotten to a point of such brokenness that I truly questioned if I could ever be whole again, and the sad thing is this is not something that was done to me. I let it happen. Slowly but surely, bit by bit, I let go of those things that were essential aspects of who I am to such an extent that I didn’t even know they were gone. I should add that more than one person has told me they saw and painfully agonized over the change in me. “There is no life in you any more,” one person wrote me.

You also wrote in your letter “the problem boils down to the personal and the professional,” creating a dichotomy about my decision that does not exist for me. You have persistently chosen to craft this as my making a choice between the professional life and the personal life, but the reality that is becoming clearer and clearer to me is that I made this choice for the betterment of both my professional and personal life. And so now, in our separation and from your letter, I see what began as a hopeful journey for us may now actually be a hopeful journey for me. Please know this as well, my love for you causes me to cling still to the wish that it will be one for you as well.

There is one immediate result of the change that I should note and here is as good a place as any. In this space where I am now, I no longer feel like a person under siege. I no longer have to constantly justify my every thought and decision -- why am I going to bed at a certain time, why am I watching certain television programs, why don’t I want to go out to eat, and so on. I can just be. It is a good feeling. One that I was accustomed to with any place I called home, but was not present in our home at the time I left.

The truth is I think I looked to you for a love that would support and sustain me through the best and most difficult of times and to give a love that would do the same for you in return. Perhaps this was unfair given the imperfect vessels we both are. We are two people that have struggled mightily with loving ourselves and as much as I have endured a battle in that area, you, my first and dearest love, and are in the midst of full blown warfare on a global scale. Actually, that is not quite accurate. Though a war has been waging over love of self, you have shifted to being a passive rather than active participant in that war. You have, in effect, from my perspective, begun drafting terms of surrender for your soul.

I just reflected on my desire for receiving and giving love in this relationship. I believe you too looked for receiving the same kind of love, but not necessarily to give that kind of love in return. I am now at a place that I can express that this too was unfair. We have not been co-laborers in this relationship, my love – co-dependent, perhaps, but not two people who have truly shared equally in all of the aspects of sustaining a life together.

Perhaps that kind of loving relationship with another person, one that nurtures and supports and even heals, does exist, but again, sadly, my experience is beginning to cause me to seriously doubt it. If that love should ever emerge in my life then I will consider myself doubly blessed. To be completely candid, I would still love for it to emerge from you. For now, it is time for me (and I submit for you) to continue with recognizing that Love dwells richly and deeply around us and that we should look to that for our sustenance.

I want to specifically address the feelings you expressed about Winston because I think the situation is a microcosm of the dynamic (yes, my favorite word) of our relationship. But first, let me apologize if my reactions have seemed to trivialize your feelings for Winston. I know you love and miss him and your having to be apart from him actually does pain me to. Believe it or not, as much as I love Winston and would have missed him dearly, I agonized over whether it was the right thing to do to take him away from the only home he has known. You acknowledge that I am “the better parent,” but I’m not sure what that means to you? Does it mean that you recognize that taking care of Winston -- walking him, feeding him, spending time with him, seeing to his health and grooming -- are not just things you do when you feel like it or when you feel up to it? I have taken care of Winston when I have had the flu, when my back has been out; seen to his grooming; taken him to the kennel when I’ve gone out of town because you didn’t feel you wanted to take care of him in that time; rushed him to the vet when he was sick and you know there are numerous other examples. I’m not sure if you realize, but not once in the five years that we’ve had him, did you say, “Clarus, you sleep in today or you go ahead and go get some rest tonight, I’ll take Winston out”? To the extent that you did relieve me of some of the responsibility, it was with my begging entreaties or stony insistence or both (by the way that is the explanation of why I threw the collar down that one night and kicked down the dog gate. All of that frustration came bursting out in one tremendous fit of rage).

The sad reality is you’ve had five years to demonstrate that you would provide the kind of selfless care that I believe a pet should receive and certainly the kind that I would want any pet that I love to have. You chose not to, and on my part it is a choice I enabled. I did not bring Winston here with me as much because I felt I needed him with me, but because it was the only way he would continue to receive the kind of care I believe he deserves.

Now expand that image to us and I think you begin to see what, from my perspective, has led us to this point. None of this has developed over night. It has resulted from daily choices over seven years.

What all we have both written means for us I truly have no idea. Today, August 13, 2008, this is all I know for sure. I want to be as happy and fulfilled in life as I can be. How that happens I don’t fully know. Recent experience may have put some dents and doubts in my belief that that kind of life is possible, but I have not abandoned all hope. However, I do know that the life I have just come from in Midwest did not allow for the fulfillment that I seek. I cannot go back to that life as it was. I cannot dwell in fear and under the belief that life is all toil and turmoil and then you die any more. I cannot live in a household where I feel under attack and that the responsibility for the care of that home (and for that matter the relationship itself) does not rest equally on the shoulders of both people who dwell within it. I just can’t.

My one suggestion is this. Let us use this time apart to continue to clarify what each of us wants from life and each other. Let us then come together to see if what we each desire is mutually reinforcing, can be achieved better together than apart and the way that we can move forward in building a new life.

I wish I could say that my motivations are grounded in preserving the relationship at all costs. It is not. I love you and have been bonded to you more tightly than any other human being that I’ve known on Earth save maybe my mother. In her case please remember that entering into a familial relationship is by order of nature. Entering into and remaining in our relationship was and is by choice. I love you, but I cannot continue to love you in spite of caring for myself. Our relationship has to be a place where we both feel cared for and loved beyond measure.

This is where I am.

With hopes that all will (eventually) be well,

clarus

getting real

I received this e-mail letter from Nigel the other day. It was not pleasant. I have resisted exploring the darker sides of our relationship in my blogs because, well, one, who likes walking around in the dark, and two, there are people who actually know us that read this blog (not many but a few) and with that few only one knows the whole story of our relationship (in fact, it's only right that he should as he's the one responsible for us meeting in the first place).

I've always wondered if my reluctance to share these things were my attempt to paint this picture of a perfect relationship, which is so antithetical to my desire to be as authentic as possible. I realize now that I've held back because to share fully might actually put me in a place that would compel me to act, so let this posting of his letter be a sign of my not holding back but my desire to move fully forward. I will post my letter of response tomorrow, after which I am sure there will be many posts of exploration and reflection. Here it is in its entirety (with pseudonyms replacing our real names -- authentic but to a point):

Dear clarus,

I hope you had a nice evening, and a nice sleep. I just got back from the Small Town House which, despite being in a small town, is actually quite good and could compete with many restaurants in [the city we live in].

As you know, the last few days have been extremely difficult in terms of "adjustment" (whatever that term means). I do not think there will ever be "adjustment" in the sense of accepting this situation. I am trying to accept this predicament, and appreciate its "positive" aspects, whatever they may be. I guess from your perspective this "positive" is your love of the new work, and I hope this continues. However, I cannot fully understand this, as, for me, the most important aspect of a relationship is the time spent together, and we will spend precious little of this in the months ahead.

Although I will have my work, and I am sure this will be a temporary solution to the problem of being alone, I do not think it can be long-lasting. Every night will be the feeling that in going home I will entering a situation where there is no "special someone" to be at ease with or to just "be" with. There will be a vacuum, and nothing can satisfy the resulting emptiness.

Nor do I think 3 week intervals will be enough to make up for the lost time. Three weeks is too long. Much can change in three weeks, including the physical appearance of one's "significant" other. My mother's appearance has changed much since the last time i saw her, and it is amazing to see the loss of muscle in her arms. And this has happened in a period of just a few weeks!!!

We miss LIFE by being apart, and I hope you can grasp this before it is too late. [The Northeast] and [the Midwest] are not exactly roommates.

I do not know what to do to "carry on in one's best way". There is no magic bullet, and any pretense that there is woulde be pure folly.

I can see nothing but a gradual drifting apart, as you yourself intimated just a few hours ago. This would be regretable.

The problem boils down to the personal and the professional. I suppose one could select one over the other with a reasonable degree of success. But if this to be the case, I would appreciate knowing which one of the two options you would like to choose. I am at a crossrorads, and many options present themselves to me at the present time. I would like to know my standing in this regard.

I also do not find it acceptable that Winston will never enter my life as a significant presence. Although this is easy to "pooh pooh," it is important to me. Winston has been with me for over five years, and to have him suddenly and permanently ripped from me is painful. I agree that you are the better parent. However, you must grant me that I have feelings for little Winnie and that these will not go away in a rapid manner. That is, if they will go away at all. Some way must be found for me to have some time with Winston. If not, this will be fertile ground for fighting, and even more upsetting, lasting resentment.

Ways must also be found forthwith to establish a connection via the internet and webcams. Talking on the phone is fine, but it does not meet the test of personal interaction. It is most important that we be able to view each others personal body movements and facial expressions. These are the keys to the human soul.

As this additional week of separation begins, I find myself still uncomfortable, still confused, and wondering what I did to cause this immense separation.

Sincerely yours,
Dr. Nigel Erasmus Nottingham

i miss my pasta bowls

Y'know (or perhaps you don't) one of the difficult parts of being half of a split household is that you're continually running across things that you need and actually own; however, the only problem is they're not where you are. So tonight, for example, I decide to make one of those great Bertoli pasta meals in a bag for dinner (if you aren't aware of these then you need to be. Open bag, dump contents in skillet, a delicious meal in 10 minutes. It takes me longer than that to decide which of these delish dishes I'm going to buy at the grocery store than to cook one).

So after the requisite 10 minutes, I reach in the cupboard for something to put my Chicken Alla Vodka & Farfalle on and there in front of me are the only bowls I have from the new dishware set I bought at Target last week. So of course, I'm immediately struck with the thought, "oh I wish I had my pasta bowls; unfortunately, they're over 1,000 miles away."

The more difficult realization is that Nigel, who has custody, wouldn't know a pasta bowl from a colander (in fact he probably thinks the latter is the former). Still, as the person who is basically responsible for creating the split household, I felt an obligation to leave most of our shared home as intact as possible. So no pasta bowls. I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them?

choosing to hope

I picked up my dry cleaning on the way home from work today. What makes this event noteworthy to me (enough for me to term it an "event") but may escape others is that I was so happy to be performing what is normally considered a mundane chore. Let me explain.

Today marks the first time I have picked up clothes from a dry cleaner in a few years. Now the sad part is I've worn these clothes, but I just haven't had them cleaned (well ,that's not entirely true. I have cleaned the shirts, but the blazer and suit have not been to the cleaners probably since the end of the Bartlett Presidency on The West Wing). Let me also add, it's not quite as gross as it sounds. I've only worn these items maybe half a dozen times in that period (so it's still gross, but not quite BBC America How Clean in My House gross).

The reason for my unhygienic behavior? I think it was simply I just didn't care enough about myself to bother. It's the same explanation for why I had not worn these items much even though for the majority of my career, I'd always worn a uniform of suit (or jacket and nice pants) and tie. However, in my last job, such attire was not really necessary except on some rare occasions. Plus, the environment (both physical and cultural) was such that my motivation to look like a professional had eroded to a point that it was thinner than Lindsay Lohan. I reserved the urge to "dress the part" for really special occasions, which, within the hellish experience I call my previous job, became harder and harder to identify. So the reason for my happiness today is that I discovered that I was now in a place (both physical and emotional) that I actually did care enough about myself to attend to me.

Does that mean I am now in some type of career nirvana? Not really, but I do find myself confronting an interesting pattern of behavior. My current situation is starting off in a very promising manner, but I also am dealing with thoughts of, "well, that's how they always start and then they go to sh*t." It appears that past experience has trained me to fear the worst, but experience has also taught me that fear is not where I need to be dwelling. So, I choose to hope -- that life will work out, that I can be fulfilled by my work, that I can know and express love fully, that at the end of my days I will close my eyes at peace with my God and the life I've lived knowing that I have done all I can do to fulfill my purpose on this planet.

Emily Dickinson wrote, as an explanation of her choice of poetry as her means of expression vs. prose,"I dwell in possibility." To which I simply add, make room for me Emily, make room.