havoc - alanis morissette
p.s. the experiment did not go well.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
every now and again
so this weekend i am going to do something or rather not do something that i have done pretty regularly over the past few weeks. there is the real potential for me getting my feelings hurt by not doing this. i know this because i have done the "not doing this" before and my feelings being hurt is exactly what happened.
and yet, today, the thought of doing what i'm not going to do makes me see and feel about myself in ways that i'd rather not. i know there's a certain degree of pride (perhaps wounded) involved in this reaction, and, certainly, i question if it's misplaced and whether i should respond to it. still, and maybe it's due to the experimental perspective that was at the foundation of my academic development, i feel somewhat compelled to see what will happen by not doing it.
i have to also admit that i'm not exactly optimistic about the results. whatever happens, you can be sure that i will comment about it on here.
and yet, today, the thought of doing what i'm not going to do makes me see and feel about myself in ways that i'd rather not. i know there's a certain degree of pride (perhaps wounded) involved in this reaction, and, certainly, i question if it's misplaced and whether i should respond to it. still, and maybe it's due to the experimental perspective that was at the foundation of my academic development, i feel somewhat compelled to see what will happen by not doing it.
i have to also admit that i'm not exactly optimistic about the results. whatever happens, you can be sure that i will comment about it on here.
Friday, April 4, 2014
still a little off
as can be gathered from the title of this blog entry, today is following a similar pattern to yesterday. while there have been no dropped cereal boxes or forgotten watches or cell phones (instead i spilled coffee and forgot to pack my protein bars), i find myself to be in the same out of sorts space as i was this time yesterday. while at that time my mood was slightly annoyed, today i feel even more so and actually, truth be told, downright pissy. i don't really want to be in the office today and i definitely don't feel like interacting with people. but be here and meet with people i must (at least for a few hours) even though i'm not really sure there is a space on the planet i really want to be right now.
i'm not going to try to trace this feeling to a specific cause as i'm not sure that there really is one (though it is probably helpful to know that i only got about three and a half hours of sleep last night). i do wonder though if this is just my emotional state of general dissatisfaction with my life taking on a new manifestation. rather than being deeply depressed i'm now pissed off. perhaps, as has been observed with other individuals who have had a significant loss in their lives, i am moving through the various stages of grief and will continue to do so until i reach a place of acceptance.
until that time arises, it looks like, to paraphrase a very famous line from a favorite move of mine, i'm going to need to fasten my seatbelts because it seems like it's going to be a bumpy ride.
i'm not going to try to trace this feeling to a specific cause as i'm not sure that there really is one (though it is probably helpful to know that i only got about three and a half hours of sleep last night). i do wonder though if this is just my emotional state of general dissatisfaction with my life taking on a new manifestation. rather than being deeply depressed i'm now pissed off. perhaps, as has been observed with other individuals who have had a significant loss in their lives, i am moving through the various stages of grief and will continue to do so until i reach a place of acceptance.
until that time arises, it looks like, to paraphrase a very famous line from a favorite move of mine, i'm going to need to fasten my seatbelts because it seems like it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
a little off this a.m.
i'm having one of those mornings where it feels like things just seem to be a little off. i suspect it started last night as i was packing things. after about an hour or so of work i decide i've had enough and just really can't push myself to do any more. i then take a shower, climb into bed and open my computer. there's an instant message from sean. i respond back. minutes go by, no reciprocal response. he's offline.
over the next couple of hours, i do some web surfing, read a magazine. i leave another message. no response. still offline. since i had gone to bed late the night before and was a little sleep deprived, i decide to call it an early night and go to sleep.
i have this weird dream and hear this ringing sound and a voice saying "you need to answer that." i ignore it for a bit and then hear the same voice say more insistently, "no you really need to answer that." i wake up at with a start. it's like 2 a.m. it's dead silent. i wonder what the noise was. the phone? no. the doorbell? not likely. an alarm? i don't smell smoke and if it were carbon monoxide i'd be dead already. besides it's quiet as a church mouse right now. i try to go back to sleep but wake up every 30-45 minutes.
i finally decide to get up. it's about 4:50 a.m. right before my usual wake up time of 5. i open the computer. there's an i.m. from sean time stamped probably about 30 minutes after i had gone to bed. he had run out to do some errands. i do an "arrgh" in frustration. i surf the web a bit. get out of bed and get ready.
while i'm brushing my teeth, i realize that today i have a meeting with an underperforming employee that i feel like i'm on a slow march to firing. during said meeting, i plan to discuss the latest issue with his work and will try to get him to assess for me how well he feels he is doing. i will then share how well i think he is doing. in summary, my assessment will be "not well." what's frustrating is that he is a nice guy who is in the wrong job for his skills. unfortunately, we don't really have a right job for him. what's even more frustrating is there are other individuals in our function that are even poorer performers than he is, who likely should already be gone. the rub here is they don't work for me, so all i can do is point out their deficiencies to my colleagues with hope that they will be motivated to act. time for another "arrgh."
i head downstairs to pack my breakfast and get to work. on the way down i look out the window. it's snowing and clearly has been for several hours. and not even the pretty kind of powdery snow we usually get. it's the wet, heavy, messy kind of snow. great.
as i'm packing breakfast, i grab a box of cereal and promptly drop it on the floor spilling half it's contents. really great. i clean that up, make coffee and finish packing breakfast. i pull my work iphone out of my pocket to check my schedule. i see i have it's a fairly light day and my meeting with the underperformer is early afternoon and is my last appointment for the day. "maybe i'll leave early," i think. i put on snow gear (heavy coat, boots, hat, gloves) grab my car keys and head out the door.
as i'm pulling out into the slushy mess, i glance at my wrist. no watch. son of a bitch. i'll just do without it. i don't have many meetings and i can always use my cell phone if need be for the time.
i get to work. trudge through the snow past the guys who are just starting to shovel the walk in front of our building. i get upstairs to my office, take off my coat, feel in my pocket for my work iphone. it's not there. i have my personal cell but not my work phone. i check my coat. not there. where is it? i then think, "remember when you checked to see what your schedule was today and then put it down on the kitchen counter so you could put on your snow gear ...?" mother f**ker.
so that's my morning. how's yours going? (needless to add, i am definitely planning on leaving early today).
over the next couple of hours, i do some web surfing, read a magazine. i leave another message. no response. still offline. since i had gone to bed late the night before and was a little sleep deprived, i decide to call it an early night and go to sleep.
i have this weird dream and hear this ringing sound and a voice saying "you need to answer that." i ignore it for a bit and then hear the same voice say more insistently, "no you really need to answer that." i wake up at with a start. it's like 2 a.m. it's dead silent. i wonder what the noise was. the phone? no. the doorbell? not likely. an alarm? i don't smell smoke and if it were carbon monoxide i'd be dead already. besides it's quiet as a church mouse right now. i try to go back to sleep but wake up every 30-45 minutes.
i finally decide to get up. it's about 4:50 a.m. right before my usual wake up time of 5. i open the computer. there's an i.m. from sean time stamped probably about 30 minutes after i had gone to bed. he had run out to do some errands. i do an "arrgh" in frustration. i surf the web a bit. get out of bed and get ready.
while i'm brushing my teeth, i realize that today i have a meeting with an underperforming employee that i feel like i'm on a slow march to firing. during said meeting, i plan to discuss the latest issue with his work and will try to get him to assess for me how well he feels he is doing. i will then share how well i think he is doing. in summary, my assessment will be "not well." what's frustrating is that he is a nice guy who is in the wrong job for his skills. unfortunately, we don't really have a right job for him. what's even more frustrating is there are other individuals in our function that are even poorer performers than he is, who likely should already be gone. the rub here is they don't work for me, so all i can do is point out their deficiencies to my colleagues with hope that they will be motivated to act. time for another "arrgh."
i head downstairs to pack my breakfast and get to work. on the way down i look out the window. it's snowing and clearly has been for several hours. and not even the pretty kind of powdery snow we usually get. it's the wet, heavy, messy kind of snow. great.
as i'm packing breakfast, i grab a box of cereal and promptly drop it on the floor spilling half it's contents. really great. i clean that up, make coffee and finish packing breakfast. i pull my work iphone out of my pocket to check my schedule. i see i have it's a fairly light day and my meeting with the underperformer is early afternoon and is my last appointment for the day. "maybe i'll leave early," i think. i put on snow gear (heavy coat, boots, hat, gloves) grab my car keys and head out the door.
as i'm pulling out into the slushy mess, i glance at my wrist. no watch. son of a bitch. i'll just do without it. i don't have many meetings and i can always use my cell phone if need be for the time.
i get to work. trudge through the snow past the guys who are just starting to shovel the walk in front of our building. i get upstairs to my office, take off my coat, feel in my pocket for my work iphone. it's not there. i have my personal cell but not my work phone. i check my coat. not there. where is it? i then think, "remember when you checked to see what your schedule was today and then put it down on the kitchen counter so you could put on your snow gear ...?" mother f**ker.
so that's my morning. how's yours going? (needless to add, i am definitely planning on leaving early today).
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
wistful
today i am starting out with a feeling that is a little different than the one that has been my steady companion over the past few months. rather than the intense depression that has cast a sense of dread over the beginning of each new day, i have a somewhat lighter feeling, which serves as the title of this entry.
though this has been a word in my own lexicon for some time, i decided to look up the text book definition of the word. this is what i found:
having or showing sad thoughts and feelings about something that you want to have or do and especially about something that made you happy in the past. full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy.
so while i am not deeply depressed, it would appear that i am experiencing an emotion that is a close relation to it, maybe a first cousin.
i'm pretty sure what has prompted this emotion is that, as i was getting ready this morning, i was reminded of a past exchange between sean and myself. that memory prompted what has become a recurring question since our last visit, "i wonder if and when we will see each other again?' this, in turn, made me think about the fact that, other than one visit from my mother, i've not had anyone come visit with me in this new locale. and from there my mind wandered to the thought of how nice it would be to have sean specifically and really any friend in general come for a visit. i imagined the places we could go see, the activities we could engage, but most importantly, i pictured moments of sharing, laughing, and connecting.
it was a nice picture, but no sooner than it had formed, it dissipated, and i was left with the starker images of day time hours filled with work and night time hours filled with preparations for my impending move. so with a sigh, i grabbed my coffee and my briefcase and headed down to my car, feeling ... well, i guess you already know that part ... and why.
though this has been a word in my own lexicon for some time, i decided to look up the text book definition of the word. this is what i found:
having or showing sad thoughts and feelings about something that you want to have or do and especially about something that made you happy in the past. full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy.
so while i am not deeply depressed, it would appear that i am experiencing an emotion that is a close relation to it, maybe a first cousin.
i'm pretty sure what has prompted this emotion is that, as i was getting ready this morning, i was reminded of a past exchange between sean and myself. that memory prompted what has become a recurring question since our last visit, "i wonder if and when we will see each other again?' this, in turn, made me think about the fact that, other than one visit from my mother, i've not had anyone come visit with me in this new locale. and from there my mind wandered to the thought of how nice it would be to have sean specifically and really any friend in general come for a visit. i imagined the places we could go see, the activities we could engage, but most importantly, i pictured moments of sharing, laughing, and connecting.
it was a nice picture, but no sooner than it had formed, it dissipated, and i was left with the starker images of day time hours filled with work and night time hours filled with preparations for my impending move. so with a sigh, i grabbed my coffee and my briefcase and headed down to my car, feeling ... well, i guess you already know that part ... and why.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
stressors
this is turning into a day of all kinds of minor stressors. first, i open my personal email account and there sit a couple of emails from michael. these emails are in addition to three i received from him yesterday. all of them pertain to a personal matter that he is dealing with related to a combination of home and work life stuff. being in the profession i am i have some subject matter expertise on the topic, which i have shared with michael when we were together. now i look at these notes and i think, "why are you involving me in this now? isn't the statute of limitations up for my involvement in your personal issues now that we aren't together?"
i know part of my reaction has to do with the fact that it seems like every time i go on facebook there's a new item in my news feed about michael and his new bf -- the new bf that came into the picture two months after we broke up for those who are either new or may not remember. i know it's likely petty, but part of me is like, "you've got someone to support you and i'm alone. take this shit to him and stop bothering me!" will i say that to him? not likely. i'll just keep suffering through the lovey dovey notes and pictures on facebook as i get the "whoa is me" emails from him.
speaking of being alone, the next minor stressor came to me this morning as i reflected on all i need to do to get ready for my impending move. i've been doing bits of work over the last month or so of going through items and pitching the things that i truly no longer need. but the move now happens in about three weeks and i have a boat load of things still left to do. as i ticked off my list driving into work this morning, i thought about how much easier it would be if i had someone special in my life to help with all the literal and figurative heavy lifting invovled in this move.
lastly, and back to electronic communications, i was going through emails at work this morning and came upon one from a staff member expressing concern about a recent message that went out throughout the organization. not to go into too much detail, but the focus of the email was to announce a cost savings initiative that is being introduced. now we have the barest of details about how this process is actually going to unfold, but that didn't stop the originators of the email from a function that i won't disclose (cough) finance (cough) from sharing that we should expect significant reductions in staff count. so naturally my staff member was writing with questions about what that means and she is now, at current count, the fourth person from one of my teams who has expressed worry in the last week.
i have my message pretty well down to explain what we are doing in our function. it's work we started last year and have no intention of veering off course because of this new initiative. even with this reassurance, i can tell that the folks are still concerned, which i completely understand. i am also completely pissed about the reckless manner in which this information was released particularly since so much of the process is unknown.
and did i mention how even this situation serves as a reminder of how i am alone? i think of this issue and so many others that are going on in relation to my work and think about how nice it would be to have someone to come home to at the end of the day -- someone who would listen and hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok.
funny how this started out as a reflection on minor stressors, yet they all seem to point to the one major stressor i've been dealing with over these past several months -- the lack of daily, in the flesh, intimate companionship. and all of the stressors shared here that appears to be the most problematic to deal with and the one least clear of if or how it will be resolved. sigh. such is life.
i know part of my reaction has to do with the fact that it seems like every time i go on facebook there's a new item in my news feed about michael and his new bf -- the new bf that came into the picture two months after we broke up for those who are either new or may not remember. i know it's likely petty, but part of me is like, "you've got someone to support you and i'm alone. take this shit to him and stop bothering me!" will i say that to him? not likely. i'll just keep suffering through the lovey dovey notes and pictures on facebook as i get the "whoa is me" emails from him.
speaking of being alone, the next minor stressor came to me this morning as i reflected on all i need to do to get ready for my impending move. i've been doing bits of work over the last month or so of going through items and pitching the things that i truly no longer need. but the move now happens in about three weeks and i have a boat load of things still left to do. as i ticked off my list driving into work this morning, i thought about how much easier it would be if i had someone special in my life to help with all the literal and figurative heavy lifting invovled in this move.
lastly, and back to electronic communications, i was going through emails at work this morning and came upon one from a staff member expressing concern about a recent message that went out throughout the organization. not to go into too much detail, but the focus of the email was to announce a cost savings initiative that is being introduced. now we have the barest of details about how this process is actually going to unfold, but that didn't stop the originators of the email from a function that i won't disclose (cough) finance (cough) from sharing that we should expect significant reductions in staff count. so naturally my staff member was writing with questions about what that means and she is now, at current count, the fourth person from one of my teams who has expressed worry in the last week.
i have my message pretty well down to explain what we are doing in our function. it's work we started last year and have no intention of veering off course because of this new initiative. even with this reassurance, i can tell that the folks are still concerned, which i completely understand. i am also completely pissed about the reckless manner in which this information was released particularly since so much of the process is unknown.
and did i mention how even this situation serves as a reminder of how i am alone? i think of this issue and so many others that are going on in relation to my work and think about how nice it would be to have someone to come home to at the end of the day -- someone who would listen and hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok.
funny how this started out as a reflection on minor stressors, yet they all seem to point to the one major stressor i've been dealing with over these past several months -- the lack of daily, in the flesh, intimate companionship. and all of the stressors shared here that appears to be the most problematic to deal with and the one least clear of if or how it will be resolved. sigh. such is life.
Monday, March 31, 2014
a bright moment
last night i was reminded that it has been quite awhile since i've had what i would describe as a "good weekend" (though, as i had shared last night, it was not as if that last experience did not have its moments as well). still, there were many happy even blissful moments. i was visiting one of my favorite cities. the weather was great. i had met a new friend, who turned out to be every bit as engaging in person as he had been online (and thank you again for the hot chocolate). i got to do some fun shopping (i'm even wearing a jacket from that excursion today). all and all it was a very nice trip.
the thing about good memories is that they can help to bring light to what seem like the darkest times in our lives and warmth to a heart that has long seemed cold and dead. it's funny that way. and rather than indulge in the practice i have of late of focusing on what has brought me pain and the fatalism that such events are all in my past, today i think i'm just going to keep the smile that this memory has brought to mind and maybe even, dare i say, hope that there may even be a few more such times in store for me in the months to come.
the thing about good memories is that they can help to bring light to what seem like the darkest times in our lives and warmth to a heart that has long seemed cold and dead. it's funny that way. and rather than indulge in the practice i have of late of focusing on what has brought me pain and the fatalism that such events are all in my past, today i think i'm just going to keep the smile that this memory has brought to mind and maybe even, dare i say, hope that there may even be a few more such times in store for me in the months to come.
these are not times
so here's another song. as has been pretty obvious from previous postings, i've been listening to a lot of alanis over the past few months. this is a song i've been wanting to post for some time, but each time i would start to do so, i would feel like while the tone fit, the lyrics seemed to give the wrong overall message. after all this is a song about someone missing elements of her last relationship, and that has not been the place i have been in at all (now if it were a song about regretting having ever been in the previous relationship then that would be spot on).
the lyrics that have certainly resonated with me have been the following from the chorus:
these are not times for the weak of heart
these are the days of raw despondence
tonight, however, i had a different vision of the song. what if i viewed it from the lens of the song i am only one with its lament of "a love i never had"? in this light, the song became for me not about being saddened about having lost a love but instead being heart broken of having to let go of a dream of what love could be in my life.
i guess that train of thought goes well with yesterday's entry about my not being sure what i really want when it comes to love and relationship. maybe my experience with michael and all the time i feel i've lost have gotten me to the place that i don't believe what i hoped could be in my life is possible anymore. if that is the case, then the song does indeed fit now, and i truly never dreamed that i would have to lay down my torch like this.
torch - alanis morissette
the lyrics that have certainly resonated with me have been the following from the chorus:
these are not times for the weak of heart
these are the days of raw despondence
tonight, however, i had a different vision of the song. what if i viewed it from the lens of the song i am only one with its lament of "a love i never had"? in this light, the song became for me not about being saddened about having lost a love but instead being heart broken of having to let go of a dream of what love could be in my life.
i guess that train of thought goes well with yesterday's entry about my not being sure what i really want when it comes to love and relationship. maybe my experience with michael and all the time i feel i've lost have gotten me to the place that i don't believe what i hoped could be in my life is possible anymore. if that is the case, then the song does indeed fit now, and i truly never dreamed that i would have to lay down my torch like this.
torch - alanis morissette
Sunday, March 30, 2014
it is indeed
here's a song that reflects how i'm feeling right now. i wish i were as positively resolute as the mood conveyed by the song. all i know is that a quick fix does not seem to be in the cards for me. i just wonder how long will it take for me to feel good again and will i be able to endure until that happens.
it's going to take some time - the carpenters
it's going to take some time - the carpenters
what is it that i want?
this morning i was laying in bed flipping through the tv channels and i came on this show that had been in heavy advertisement rotation on bravo but i had not yet seen. it's a show that follows the online dating adventures of two guys and this episode had two guys who caught my attention. one was a gay internet celebrity known for his ubiquitous (and somewhat annoying) you tube videos. the other was this attractive christian 30 something virgin. both were in pursuit of a serious relationship. so i decided to watch.
i can't say that watching the show made me a fan, but after it was over and i was making my breakfast, i found myself thinking about dating relationships and marriage. much to my surprise, after having written so much about wanting love in my life over the past few months, i found myself not particularly motivated to engage in the former and not at all interested in the latter. i have to admit that i was both confused and unnerved by the revelation. i wondered, "what exactly is it that you do want?"
the question did make me think about all those years ago, pre-coming to terms with my sexual orientation, and i was in therapy describing to my therapist what i wanted in my life -- to be close to someone, intimacy, a relationship that i felt at home in. he then responded with, "oh you want to be married and have a family" (i should have mentioned that this was a christian psychologist my having been a serious evangelical christian at the time). i remember just thinking, "do i? i really would just settle for a good friend." part of that perspective i know was likely due to the fact that at the time i would have viewed marriage as something that would occur with a female and i knew that the desire i had was close companionship with a male, which at that time would have been restricted in my mind to the realm of friendship.
and yet today, having been "civil unioned" once, i still find myself thinking, "i'd just settle for a really good friend." of course part of me does wonder if my experience with michael has me so convinced that to be married is to be miserable that i now want none of it. it's possible but what i do wish i could figure out what it is that i want out of life. or is it that i do know what i want and just don't believe i can have it?
i can't say that watching the show made me a fan, but after it was over and i was making my breakfast, i found myself thinking about dating relationships and marriage. much to my surprise, after having written so much about wanting love in my life over the past few months, i found myself not particularly motivated to engage in the former and not at all interested in the latter. i have to admit that i was both confused and unnerved by the revelation. i wondered, "what exactly is it that you do want?"
the question did make me think about all those years ago, pre-coming to terms with my sexual orientation, and i was in therapy describing to my therapist what i wanted in my life -- to be close to someone, intimacy, a relationship that i felt at home in. he then responded with, "oh you want to be married and have a family" (i should have mentioned that this was a christian psychologist my having been a serious evangelical christian at the time). i remember just thinking, "do i? i really would just settle for a good friend." part of that perspective i know was likely due to the fact that at the time i would have viewed marriage as something that would occur with a female and i knew that the desire i had was close companionship with a male, which at that time would have been restricted in my mind to the realm of friendship.
and yet today, having been "civil unioned" once, i still find myself thinking, "i'd just settle for a really good friend." of course part of me does wonder if my experience with michael has me so convinced that to be married is to be miserable that i now want none of it. it's possible but what i do wish i could figure out what it is that i want out of life. or is it that i do know what i want and just don't believe i can have it?
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