in the middle of a shit storm

i'm not sure quite how to describe the kind of day i have had at work (though the title of this entry is a good first attempt), and i feel i should add the kind of day i've had thus far because i'm still here waiting for another meeting to start. suffice it to say that on more than one occasion the thought of asking my boss to add my name to the workforce reduction list, so i can escape this insanity.

ultimately, i've got to figure something out. i'm not sure what the solution is and as a result no clue how to get there. all i know is i'm tired of working so hard to try to do the right things in the right way only to have all that effort undermined by decisions of other leaders. i've been very disappointed that our senior-most leaders have allowed this situation to continue in this way for this long.

it does not help that i leave this craziness to return to an empty house and an empty life. it feels like there is no consolation for me anywhere in this world.  

no discernible presence

i woke up this morning not feeling very good about myself. this should not be a surprise. i went to bed feeling the same way. and now? no change really.

it feels as if i've pretty much lost all sense of who i am and what exactly my life is supposed to be about. i've been in a similar place before, and somehow that fact provides no consolation.

i look into my mind's eye to see that mental image of myself and there's nothing there. it's as if i am staring in what used to be my self-mirror and there is no reflection back at me. even physically i feel so insubstantial i would not be surprised that i would not cast a shadow on a brilliantly sunny day.

every day continues to feel harder to get through than the one preceding it. and the reason i am even occupying space on this earth has become an inscrutable mystery. how does one have a fulfilling life when you feel you have no discernible presence in reality?