(holiday) seasonal affective disorder

this weekend i noticed a shifting in my emotional state. a movement from an occasional sense of melancholy to a deeper sadness grounded in this feeling of being alone and unloved.

i know part of this emotion is due to the recent shift in my friendship dynamic. it is difficult to go from daily contact to weeks without any interaction, and even when that occurs, it's always generated by me. it is harder still when you've lost one of only two people in this world with whom you have had this daily contact. now i'm down to one.

and yet, while i know that the feeling of loss and (some) abandonment is contributing to my disheartened mood, a look at the calendar this morning brought to light another contributing factor. it's just past halloween and the november slide into and through the holiday season has begun. as i was remarking to an online overseas friend, this in not an easy time to be alone here in the States.

soon images of family and friends gathering and communing will flood all of the popular media from television to magazines to displays in shopping venues. everywhere there will be reminders that this is a time to be with those we love. it may be for others but not for me.

for me this time will be an ongoing revelation that i am alone and without someone to love me. i have no family and very few friends. i have no loving home in which either i reside or return to where people greet me and make me feel safe and warm.

it is very hard to live a life devoid of love and affection, for these are the things that give our lives meaning and a sense of belonging. and it is not that i don't have people that i love. it is more that it feels that i have no one who loves me in the way i need to be loved at this time in my life.

this same friend suggested that i get out there and meet new people. i see what he means but my question is, "how do you just create meaningful relationships that provide a love you've wanted for all your life and feel you've never known?" this question is particularly difficult to answer when you've failed so miserably at so many attempts in your past.

so as we move through a time of "happy"s and "merry"s, i hope maybe some of that residual joy that lingers in the air will find a place in me and bring some light and warmth to a dark and chilly life.