a breach

earlier today i had a difficult emotional moment the after effects of which are still with me to a certain degree. i was in the midst of one of my weekend rituals of roaming through the magazine racks of my local bookstore when my phone started vibrating in my pocket accompanied by a small chime indicating a text had arrived from a friend. he was responding to a text i had sent earlier wishing him a good day. in his message he shared that he was getting prepared for an event taking place today. i promptly texted back with an encouragement to have fun and be good.

putting my phone back in my pocket, the thought came to me that i had a similar occasion coming in the very near future but as i pondered further i realized that the while the occasion was similar, the way the two events would be engaged were likely to be vastly different. and all at once images of the contrasting experiences were whirling in my mind and the feelings of aloneness, regret and loss welled up in my heart.

as i staggered to the checkout counter with my items to be purchased, i kept telling myself to push the thoughts from my mind and the emotions from my spirit, to not let them overwhelm me. but it was too late. i could tell a breach had been made in my heart and the pain would just continue to flow unabated. as i stood in line waiting my turn, i felt the familiar pressure of saline welling up in the corners of my eyes. i even turned away from the counter just in case tears started flowing uncontrollably. thankfully, i did not become a sobbing mess in the midst of the store nor even as i got coffee on my way out nor at my next destination of my local comic book shop.

what did happen through it all was my heart became so heavy that it felt as if it were literally weighing down every step i took. i could not wait until i could finally drag my burdensome heart to my car, drive it home, and put it to bed.

and that is where i am now, typing this remembrance. i expect it is where i shall remain for a good many hours hence.

new year?

the more the days go by in 2015, the more i feel that there is very little that is "new" about this new year -- at least with respect to my life. the same struggles (both of 2014 and lifelong) persist both professionally and personally. i'm physically rested but mentally and emotionally enervated. i sit at night and think, "i know there's a reason for me to still be here but damned if i have any remote inkling of an idea of what that reason is."

it's very dark in my life right now. i need some light to help me find my way "home" if such a concept even exists for me anymore. Did it ever?