i originally started this as an email to a friend but rather than burden that person directly, i just decided to post the sentiments here. I'm assuming he will likely find this eventually anyway. Plus, i'm due for a blog entry.
so it's Christmas Eve morning and as i check my email the gem below is waiting for me. I'm really not sure how to react. i guess i should make like fred and accept the sentiments with the spirit in which they were meant, but it's difficult. how do I feel good about well wishes and encouragements for a happy life when it's the aftermath of my relationship with michael that has me questioning whether or not I will find a loving relationship again -- whether i can have the fulfilled life i desire? the person he describes that i was seems so far removed from who i am today that it's not even like that person is dead; it's like the events took place in a book or movie -- events i remember but as if they happened to someone else. sigh.
Subject: Merry Christmas to clarus!!!
Dear clarus,
Merry Christmas! I hope this year you enjoy the spirit of the holidays, the joyous excitement of this time of the year, and a recognition of your blessings. May this Christmas fill you with excitement over your new career move, the newness of your new townhouse, and the opportunity to make this your own space with your own furniture and new belongings. I truly wish you well in everything that you do, in every endeavor you embark upon, and in anything that brings you happiness.
The last several Christmases have been trying times for both of us, but speaking only of you I hope that you regain that boyish excitement about Christmas that you once displayed here in Saint Louis. May you regain that boyish quality as every Christmas comes and goes!
I must share with you one Christmas memory from maybe 2003 or 2004 that I shall never forget. I remember coming down the stairs and seeing the living room beautifully decorated, you with a big smile, and little Nicholas in front of his new travel crate. Oh my, that picture is vivid in my memory.
I further want to say how grateful I am that you have been in my life, in different roles, and the kindness, and at one time love that you bestowed upon me. Your high ideals, character, and honor are reflected in the way you have treated me through your unprecedented financial support, both through monthly contributions, and more recently your help with repairs to the house. Very few men would have done what you have done, and in this I know that I made the right choice in 2001 when I decided that you were "the one." In many ways you remain my soul-mate, although the conditions have changed, please remember that reserved in my heart is a special, special, and dear place for you that, truthfully, no one will be able to occupy.
Please know that, and pardon my language, how sorry, very sorry I am that I fucked things up. That is all past, but I want you to know my acknowledgment of what I did, how ashamed I am, and full of remorse over how things turned out. I shall as for the rest of my life feel shameful about what happened. Yet turn the page we must, and please know that in this new chapter I stand willing to help you, should you need it, in whatever area, financial, friendship, or emotional. I will always be there for you, even though our relationship has evolved into a very, very special friendship.
So go forth my dear clarus and build a new life for yourself, seek happiness for you truly, truly deserve it. Enjoy life, and at this Christmas, 2011, I wish you all the best.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Blessings, and of course, Hugs,
Michael
PS: Tillie sends a lick :)
bah humbug! i need a nap (and i just woke up). someone wake me when it's 2012.
