the great state of new york

i have never been prouder of my native born state than i am tonight. a victory has finally been achieved over intolerance and bigotry. thank you to the hard working women and men in albany and throughout the state who worked so tirelessly for this achievement. it will indeed be a happy pride weekend, not just in new york, but everywhere that we as GLBT people struggle for equality.

biblical interpretation

just read a great article on the subject of the bible and homosexuality. it's a very well constructed and articulated explanation of how those in the evangelical christian community have double standards when it comes to biblical interpretation. now for those people like me, who are recovering evangelical christians, this information comes as no surprise, but i think the information can be very helpful for everyone the next time we're confronted with a "but the bible says" argument against gays or gay marriage (pay particular note to the part about how the church has traditionally viewed the relationship between marriage and celibacy). to get to the article click on the link below. plus, if you like this and want a great read in a similar vein, i highly, highly recommend The Good Book by the late Peter Gomes.

My Take: Bible condemns a lot, so why focus on homosexuality?

new directions

lately, i've been taking different routes to and from work. it's strange that i'm deviating from my normal route because usually once i've figured out a pattern for my commute that i'm comfortable with, i stick with it for years. it had me wondering if the need for change is so strong in me right now that i'm channeling that desire into an area that i do have direct control over. i may not be able to make the new job occur any faster (though there was some encouraging news in that arena today -- looking at mid-September now as a start time) or make love appear (no encouraging news there), but i sure as heck can create new ways to get there and back again with respect to work. i guess that will have to do for now.

across the divide

i'm in the midst of a multi-week viewing marathon of one of my favorite tv series ever, sex and the city. it's funny how you watch something familiar and it speaks to you in a familiar yet whole new way. 

i just finished watching the first episode of season 4. it's the one in which carrie turns 35, and her friends plan on taking her out to dinner for her birthday. unfortunately, through a series of bad coincidences, no one shows up but carrie. the girls eventually meet at a coffee shop, and carrie shares how alone she felt at that moment -- that it felt terrible not having someone special in her life, a soul mate, to be with her at that time. the girls eventually decide that they will be each other's soul mates and just have guys be there to have fun with. then big shows up on carrie's walk home with balloons for another nice moment.

when i first saw this scene, i had also recently turned 35 and was also alone. the emotion of the scene was palpable for me as i was deeply longing to meet that special person. now, eleven years later, the emotion of the scene is still palpable as i am deeply longing to meet that special person. the difference is that across that divide is the experience of finding someone that i thought was that special person and found out i was wrong. that discovery is what makes this latest viewing experience hit home all the more. at 35 my longing had an undercurrent of hope. now, while there may also be some hope that there actually still might be a chance for me in the love relationship department, there's a whole lot more pain and doubt that works against the hopefulness, leaving me confused and somewhat despondent. 

i wonder how i will feel, lord willing, when i see this episode at 55?

at the core

earlier today i was catching up with a friend on the weekend's events and just how life was going in general; and that reminded me of a thought that i had the other day that captures what is really at the crux of my emotional state. i said to my friend that i should really blog about it and so i am. 

what occurred to me is that as i await news of the impending job offer, what was once going to be a solution to the one problem area in my life is now just one of a number of issues that i have to deal with. it has now moved from a solution to a situation that also seems to be wrought with numerous concerns -- i'm moving to a new location where i don't know anyone for the fourth time in my life. one would think that would make it easier but in my case one would be wrong. the older i get, the less easy it gets. i'm weary of starting over, wondering if life will be better this time around. and on top of all of that, i had not anticipated back in october of last year, when this impending change was set in motion, that i would be doing all of this alone.

it's funny, but also during this chat with my friend, i had another unexpected perhaps deeper revelation. he asked if maybe going home would be a solution. i then responded that maybe that's the point (and maybe it's always been the point), i don't feel like i have a home. coming out to my mom created a rift in our relationship that makes me no longer feel at home (accepted, understood, loved unconditionally) with her. i've not kept in the best of contact with so many people in my life that i'm not sure how much i feel at home (known, connected)  with the vast majority of friends. when it comes down to it, my relationship ended basically because, no matter how i tried, i couldn't be at home (safe, secure, at peace) with my ex. and at the end of it all, i keep wondering if i've ever really felt at home anywhere. but if i never have, why would the absence of it be so painful?

right now it just feels like there is so much not right with my life and no clear path to anything ever being right again. the last thing i was reminded of by my earlier chat is that the feeling of not being  at home is one of the reasons why i named this blog after this particular james taylor song. there is a lyric in the song that is "home, build it behind your eyes, carry it in your heart, safe among your own." words to live by. i just wish i knew how.

sundays

i'm not exactly sure what's going on, but sunday is becoming a very difficult day for me. it's only a quarter to nine in the morning, and i'm already in the bluest of moods. this is a habit that i most definitely am not enjoying. i need help.