reevaluating

love is a wonderful thing. it can cause you to see the best in everything and everyone, most especially, the individual that is the object of your affection. what's interesting is when your love for that individual changes. the question becomes is your view of the individual now obscured or even distorted by the new feelings or is the absence of that love causing you to see more clearly what was there all along? can't say that i know the answer, but what i do know is that, after a few emails from my ex, i keep wondering why i stayed with him so long. this is such not a fun time.

muddling through

am i ever tired. i've been having difficulty sleeping and so have had to resort to ambien to assist me in getting to sleep. but my fatigue is really not as much physical as it is emotional. i'm a little life weary right now. beginning in october of last year, this has been a pretty difficult year, filled with unexpected changes that have really left in their wake a bounty of unknowns. right now my path heading into the future has just one big question mark over it. maybe in reality that is actually always the case for all of us, but in this period of time, i'm feeling kind of "purposeless."  i'm just trying to do my best to put one foot in front of the other as if there is actually a point to it all. you know, it seems strange that it took me so long to articulate that today is just more of the same.

my response

well i guess i found some words after all to respond to the email from my ex. it's not very polite or stoic, which i usually go for. it's raw and real. maybe i'll regret it in the morning, but it is as honest as i've ever been:

Well, if I wasn't expecting the last message, I definitely was not expecting this one. I was going to wait to respond until I had slept on this, but sleep may be a problem tonight. Anyway, a simple question came to mind as my most gut level response. Exactly, how many more opportunities do you want to break my heart? I'm sure there are a few more pieces left that you could shatter. I'm glad that you can move on to someone else. I'm not sure I have it in me anymore to know who or what I can trust. So I encourage you to find someone you can love who would likely be better for you than I could ever be. At least one of us might have some hope for happiness. Please don't write me back about this again.

i'm so tired. 

resolve

another email from my ex. this one about how he wants to try again. it was long and dramatic, part robert ludlum, part danielle steele. it spoke of how he was going to be aggressively seeking to meet someone else, but he didn't really want to. it ended with a plea that began, "please stop things before it is too late, please don't let me move to a step that cannot be taken back!"

and see that's the difference between us now. i long for this to go to a step that cannot be taken back. unfortunately, i'm also in this place of being so acutely aware of the brokenness and hurt that exists within me because of this relationship that i seriously question if i have not been irreparably damaged by it. my recent attempts at putting myself out there, as it were, seem to have just returned huge disappointment, making me question if what i hope for is even possible given what there is to work with -- namely me.

i am this mass of pained emotion that even the simplest of slights strikes me deep in my heart. today, someone i regarded well and considered to be a good person did something that for him was likely just a playful joke. for me it struck right at the core of this place of hurt, causing my heart to bleed out afresh. as with most things it's not what happened that hurt but what it seemed to be representative of. my  life seems to be filled with disappointments when it comes to men. it's a wonder (or maybe even a cruel cosmic joke) that i'm gay. being such seems to just set me up for repeated opportunities of rejection and hurt by the male of the species.

well, i haven't responded to the email. i imagine it would be too difficult with my eyes filled with tears and my fingers shaking with rage and all (it's been difficult enough writing this entry). i'll try to get a response out tomorrow i suppose. i'm not sure why i care to. i'm not sure of a whole lot these days.