inspired

just a little while ago, i was driving back from my haircut appointment and had a moment in which the hurt i've been experiencing of late came together and thrust itself forward in my mind as a simple statement. these things happen to me from time to time (as i'm sure they do for many of you). i'm not exactly clear on why it happens (though i imagine it has something to do with our constantly at work subconscious mind), but when it does it can be a moment of revelation that can bring me new peace of mind or it can bring greater insight into the source of the pain. always it's a thought that enters gently and effortlessly and leaves a deep impact on my emotional state.

so what was the thought? it was simply, "i wish that i were the kind of person that inspired men to want to engage with me." and i knew that i was saying that in whatever form of relationship i desired with another man -- friend, boyfriend, lover, spouse -- i felt i did not evoke a depth of interest or motivation in that person to engage in said relationship in any meaningful way.

i think about my friendships with men over the years and how they tend to start with great interest on the part of the other guy and then they slowly leave and i fade away into an insignificant memory. i think about my relationship with michael. he said he loved me deeply. but that love didn't seem to motivate him to actually demonstrate it in even small ways -- no picking me up or taking me to the airport, no physical intimacy, no support of the things that made me happy. and now he is with someone new and from a distance, it appears charles is receiving the inspired engagement i wanted for myself. i guess it's good to see that can happen for michael.

i would like to think that i am an engaged partner in whatever relationship i am in but perhaps that is a false self-impression. whatever i have, whoever i am it feels that it's not what other men want.

dr. s would tell me that i should try not to harbor these perspectives about myself. he would tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. there is no fundamental flaw and that there are many men out there with whom i can have wonderful relationships of all kinds. and i would share that when i look into the mirror (both actual and that of my life experience) what i see reflected back at me is someone that does not inspire much of anything in any man. dr. s would also tell me that perhaps i should realize that my frame of analysis is not accurate. it's a shame that dr. s can't be my friend.

walking to the moon

i am not reacting well to a comment that was shared with me yesterday. it was from a friend and basically stated that he felt he had let me down so much that he had gotten used to it. and so naturally i took that bit of information and turned it into a criticism of myself. i'm too demanding. i have unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of people. i shouldn't be so open with my feelings. i cause people to feel bad about themselves as a result. all in all, the problem came down to me and my failing to be able to be whatever it is i'm supposed to be.

i had a late night therapy session with dr.s in which my very raw reaction to the comment was the topic of pretty much the entire hour long session. it was probably the most challenging session we have had to date. his encouragement for me in the days ahead was to try to not be so critical of myself and to try and nurture myself as best i could.

"you know," he said towards the end of our time together, "it's not true that there's something fundamentally flawed with you that makes you unable to  successfully have relationships with people." my response to that point was that while it may not be true, it feels true. and as for caring for myself, the way i feel now, it's like he might as well have asked me to walk to the moon.

for mom

another song from another walk. i had never really paid attention to it before, but this time i heard it loud and clear.

languishing - mariah carey

a little less well

life is shifting and every day i feel a little less well. my capacity to care may be impaired, but my ability to perceive slights and internalize them as negative commentary on my value and worth as a desirable friend seems to be well intact.

the dialogues seem to be becoming increasingly infrequent and without substance. i put out messages and they go unacknowledged. i share my thoughts and they go uncommented upon. and it all makes me feel so small, so insignificant. i had hoped for so much more. i think i've tried my best to be a friend even through the depression and disappointments and every day it feels like it is all slipping away. what i have is not enough. what i give is not wanted. who i am is broken and will soon be left behind and a distant, faded memory if not entirely forgotten all together.

i got a note from michael today. he wrote it late last night. he has moved into his new home. he and charles are doing well and i suspect (from a scan of my facebook newsfeed) are cohabitating at least part time. he seems happy. and so in less than a year michael has found love and a new lease on life. and my world continues to feel as if it will never be right and i will never be well, let alone happy.

and so into yet another day i go. i wish it were otherwise.

different day, same story

so this morning i woke up a little less tired than yesterday but no less weary. as i wrote to a friend yesterday, "life just isn't that great right now." i would imagine that if i thought that the current state of my life has the potential for changing at anytime in the foreseeable future the weariness would not be as pronounced. and yet every day i search for that kernel of hope that things will get better, and it continues to elude me.

yesterday i wrote about being in a state of an incapacity to care. i'm realizing now that that incapacity extends to my ability to feel cared for or about as well. the sense that i matter to the people i wish to matter to is more deeply hidden than that kernel of hope that i referenced earlier. and between these bookends of an inability to care or feel cared for, i sit in my continuing quiet sadness.

and so another day begins. i just wish i could find a way to view it as more than merely seconds, minutes, and hours that i have to endure before i get to sleep and escape.

my incapacity to care

i woke up this morning and laid in bed for awhile. i felt fatigue in all of the dimensions of my being -- body, mind, and spirit. and with that was this sense that i didn't care about much of anything that was happening in my life. my friendship with sean, my relationship with my mom, the various projects going on at work and the related interactions with colleagues -- none of these could really engender much engagement let alone enthusiasm. but i could tell it wasn't so much that i truly had ceased caring about all of these things. it was more that i was worn out from caring so much about them and managing the disappointments related to each.

and now as i am a little further into the day, i can't say that i feel any differently. it feels like my capacity to care has been shorted out and all that exists is a shell of a person, going through the motions of life but not appreciating anything about it. and this incapacity to care is seeping into other aspects of my life perspective. what difference does it make that i am in therapy? what's the point of my going on vacation? in fact, coming to this blog and writing these words is taking quite a bit of effort as i question what does it matter that i write these words?

it's difficult for someone like me, for whom being a caring person is such an important aspect of my identity, to be in this state. "to care," for me, is as vital as breathing. i can't fathom existing without that as an integral part of how i live out my life. i can't imagine wanting to. and yet it feels like i don't (really can't) seem to care anymore, and i have no idea how to get that feeling back again.

dealing with a jumble

as much as i wish it were otherwise, today finds my heart and mind in as much of a jumble of emotion as it was yesterday and as it has been for much of the prior week. i want to move past the pain resulting from this disappointment about not being able to meet up with sean in a couple of weeks and i continue to struggle to do so. today, during my walk, i think i came a bit closer to understanding why.

during the walk, i had this feeling of needing to ask sean what he would think and feel if the situation were reversed. what if he shared with me that he was coming to my city and i told him that i would not be able to see him during the time he was here? how would that make him feel i wondered. and with that i realized that the pain wasn't so much about not being able to see him. that might sting but what was bringing the hurt was the uncertainty about he actually felt about the situation. i knew he couldn't meet up with me and i knew the reason why. what still remained unshared was how he felt.

i realized some of the struggle i'm experiencing could have been helped by having him share the news that he would not be able to meet with me with an additional statement to the effect, "i know you're likely disappointed by that and i want you to know that i'm really disappointed as well." i can see that maybe sharing such things doesn't occur to him or maybe from his side of things he just assumes that a mutual state of disappointment should be assumed. and at a different time in my life i might have been able to assuredly and confidently run with that assumption. instead, i ponder the possibility that maybe he couldn't have shared that because that's not he feels. and the unknowing makes my heart sink a bit more.

some months ago i asked sean what our friendship meant to him. i shared with him my answer to the same question and after a few torturous days of waiting he provided his answer. they were not the same, and i expressed at that time a certain amount of concern about whether they were compatible. sean said he thought they could be and we would just need to work at it to make them so. and yet over the past several weeks it has felt as if life has conspired against us to be able to truly do the work of developing our friendship and aligning our expectations.

i keep asking god if a break is coming my way anytime soon. he seems to continue to be occupied with other callers at the moment.