labels

i've been spending quite a bit of time in an online chat community that has a diverse group of people dropping in and out. invariably, as people develop interest in particular individuals, the question comes up about sexual orientation. usually this inquiry comes in the form of the very direct, "so are you gay, straight, bi, bicurious?" now almost invariably this question will be met with outcries from one or more participants about "what does it matter?" and "why do we have to label people?" sometimes the individuals being queried themselves will declare that they "don't like labels."

i've tended to have a bemused reaction to these protestations as the reality is that when it comes to so many other areas of our lives, we don't seem to have a problem with labels. i'm not referring to designer brands (though that certainly could be one example), but actually to the notion of people applying descriptors to categorize who we are. In fact, let's just do a little experiment right now. I'm going to list a few labels, and you check off all of the ones that you would be offended by if someone used them to describe you:

"intelligent"

"kind"

"attractive"

"friend"

"sexy"

"rich"

"generous"

"trustworthy"

"compassionate"

"hot"

"talented"

and i think you get the idea. we have no problems with labels that we recognize are desirable by other people. it only seems that when it comes to labeling our sexuality then people begin to raise objections. it's not so much that we are concerned that people will put us in a box with their labels (as some claim) -- it's just that we're not sure whether that box will be marked "trash" or "tiffany." 

the thing we need to realize though about labels is that the value associated with the object that is labeled more often than not comes from the nature of the object itself. therefore, even if people may have a negative and/or narrow view of what it is to be gay, we who are such, have the power to affect that perception by how we live our lives before them. in fact, by dodging the question, what we are really doing is reinforcing the perception that there is something wrong with being gay (or whatever your sexual orientation may be -- though what's equally fascinating is that people who are indeed straight never seem to have an issue with declaring that they are).

for my part i just think about all of the people who have given their lives (both figuratively and literally) so that i can have the ability to be able to declare that i am gay, without fear of prosecution or complete social isolation. to deny that i am mocks their work and their memory. plus i myself have come too far in my life's journey of embracing this aspect of who i am to reject it, putting what other people's perceptions may be of who i am before my own sense of self. as the saying goes, life is just too short for that kind of behavior. 

changing lenses

lately, i've been pondering what type of guy i would be interested in should the opportunity arise to pursue a relationship. one element that has come to mind is the age range that i should realistically be working within. i've certainly seen younger guys to whom i'm attracted, but whenever i have, i've had the immediate thought, "oh i'm too old for him." at least that was the way i reacted until a recent moment. 

i was having that typical conversation you have with your buddies when you're out and you're watching cute guys go by. you know, "what about that one?", "how about that guy?" and "take a look at him!" well to one particularly attractive twentysomething the question came to me of my particular interest, and at the moment that my normal response was about to flow, i found myself, changing my statement in mid-thought and saying instead, "he's too young for me."

it was and continues to be a fascinating change of perspective. it may seem to be a matter of semantics, but i look at the difference this way. with the first statement, i was looking at the scenario from the other guy's perspective of my being the undesirable one, i.e., too old. in the new phrasing, it's me who is making the determination of suitability and finding that my preference is for someone who is more mature. i'm no longer denigrating myself or my value to a relationship. it may seem like a small thing, but for me and the development of my own self-esteem, it's a pretty huge shift.

now i do recognize that i'm using age as a proxy for maturity, which is certainly not always an accurate measure, but in assessing potentials, i think we often have to deal in probabilities. still i wouldn't reject a mature younger guy (especially considering my ex, who is almost exactly my age, was the classic example of arrested development), but the reality is that finding such a guy is likely going to be a rare occurrence. besides, i'm not exactly sure i want to be dating someone whose parents are on the same high school reunion celebration schedule that i am.