u-turns

after writing yesterday's blog entry, i kept having one of those nagging feelings that i was somehow missing something. i think what triggered that feeling was the song that i had posted at the end of the entry. it is at its heart a hopeful song about the fact that, though the break-up of a relationship is painful, love can "begin again" with someone new.

this message is consistent with other encouragements that i've gotten from friends and work colleagues. and in all of the cases in which this type of support has been proffered, i've nodded and agreed. at least i've agreed with the intellectual/rational side of me. "after all, no circumstance continues on in the same way indefinitely," i've reasoned. i think it was last night, after hearing that particular song once again, that it occurred to me that while i've "agreed" with the encouragements that this situation would get better, i haven't actually yet "believed" it in my heart.

this recognition naturally triggered a conversation in my mind with one of my internal observer/critics. i've commented before on the internal voice that is often the source of much derision and ridicule. the one i had my interior dialogue with last night is the one that tends to come and pull the missing pieces together, bringing clarity to my befuddled mind. being a spiritual person, i believe that this particular voice is the spirit that god has shared with each of us to provide wisdom, inspiration, and close companionship along life's journey. even with this perspective, i wish i could say that clarity always equals news that sets my mind at ease because it's pretty much an equal probability that  the revelation will bring even more sadness with it.

"why in the world am i having such a difficult time being optimistic that life will get better in this particular situation," i asked myself. "my goodness, it's the third time (still another groan) that i've broken up with michael," i continued exasperated. "it's not as if i haven't been in this exact same space before." this is when the internal observer/critic made a simple point.

"yes, it's true you've been here before. however, each time, you've resolved the issue of the pain of being alone that has resulted from your breaking it off with michael by going back to him. rather than moving forward to see what other opportunities life may have for you, you've repeatedly made u-turns back to the same place you came from to solve the problem." (cue the definition of insanity now).

"no wonder you don't believe that the situation will improve," my observer continued. "you've never experienced that improvement before. and now, with your clear recognition that the bridge back to michael is gone, you know the one solution that you've used to at least bring temporary relief to your heartache is no longer available to you and now you find yourself in completely unfamiliar territory." and that was that. i had my answer.

so remember how i shared that such clarity of perspective has as much chance of bringing sadness as it does to bring relief. yeah, well, i hope you put your money on sadness for the win. i was in a pretty melancholy mood for much of the rest of the evening, resulting in some additional "interesting" thoughts on life as i know it now. i'll save that for tomorrow in an entry that right now i'm thinking will be entitled, "when is it going to be your turn?" until then, stay safe and warm.

you are home

yesterday, i shared a moment, part of which involved my reflecting on the differences in my life this year versus last year. a similar moment happened a few days earlier specifically related to thoughts about this holiday season and christmas a year ago. this moment of reflection occurred as i was leaving work and noticing the holiday decorations that had been put up over the thanksgiving weekend that were now everywhere in our office building. seeing the wreaths, garlands, and light covered trees reminded me that this christmas was certainly going to be a different experience than last christmas, which i spent with michael.

"last year," i thought, "i went home for christmas." no sooner than that thought finished, the following realization came to me, "clarus, you are home." and with that, it became clear that as a result of the ending of my relationship with michael, i was no longer a person with two abodes, one of which i thought of as my family home and the other as my residence related to work. the latter was now one and the same.

certainly, there was a bit of sadness that came with this revelation. any loss tends to evoke that feeling. yet, at least this time, i also had a sense of the potential this new situation provided. maybe now i could finally start "settling in" here in denver, rather than have one foot here and one in st. louis. maybe now, with both feet anchored in what is frankly my preferred locality of the two (for more insight on that perspective, please take a look at the entry, stopover), i could actually have a solid foundation upon which to build a life for myself.

it was a nice moment, but brief, as i then started to realize and become intimidated by all that was entailed in actually building that life. i was also more than a little saddened by a memory of having similar thoughts when michael, and i had first committed to one another. twelve years later i was starting (what at least felt like) completely over. what assurances did i have that the attempts to forge a life here would just be more of the same fruitless effort as the twelve years before? none really and my heart sank just a bit further down.

in the song begin again that ends taylor swift's album red, there is this particularly poignant lyric that continues to echo in my heart and speaks very much to how i feel now, "i've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break, and burn and end ...." and as actually hopeful that song is, the one difference for me is that i can't begin to imagine that eight months will be the statute of limitations with respect to my own doubts about love.

untethered

last night i had a moment where this feeling of being disconnected came over me again. this time though it was not as much about being disconnected from people as it was from ideals and beliefs that i have previously held.

i was in the kitchen, microwaving a healthy choice meal, and my mind started wandering to thoughts about how i was feeling in the midst of this holiday season, how different my life is now than this time last year, and what would life look like one year or more hence. with that last point, thoughts and images of what i hoped life would look like, specifically in terms of being in a relationship, started to enter my mind. as they did, i started questioning, "is that what i can really expect for my life? is that even what i really want for my life?" the mere appearance of that line of questioning made me realize that i've lost some of my bearing and connection to a long-held belief about what i believed was important and essential to being happy in life -- having a life partner.

now i've explored that i've been questioning this ideal previously in this blog. i think the revelation last night was more about the fact that i had nothing to replace that long-held desire with. this truly evoked the sense of being cast adrift into unknown territiory, completely uncertain of where i might land and that brought about a deep sadness.

This situation reminds of a scene from the story alice in wonderland that i've used a few times in planning meetings over my professional career. it's a dialogue between alice and the cheshire cat and goes as follows:

"would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?"

"that depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.

"i don't much care where," said alice

"then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat

now i've used this as an illustration of the belief that if you have no sense of where you want to go (a goal or desired future state) then it's going to be very difficult to craft a plan to get you there. and i still maintain that belief if only for the reason that it is the foundation of much of my work, and well, promulgating that belief is what keeps me gainfully employed as a planner and strategist. then again, the saying that "life is what happens while we're busy making plans" comes to mind, and i realize that a certain amount of openness to the fact that life is not solely a planned experience is required if we're (i'm) going to be able to maintain any sense of sanity with what comes our (my) way.

so what does this all mean? i'm not really sure i have a clear idea. maybe the sadness is really the sense of mourning that is brought about by any loss in life --  even of an ideal. and the feeling of being untethered is the natural by-product as disconcerting as that is. maybe my concern stems from the fact that in matters of life and love, we are often encouraged to "let your heart be your guide," and that, looking at the somewhat battered and bruised condition of mine these days, i'm not encouraged as to how far i will get if i do.

heart over head

when i was younger i tended to wear my heart on my sleeve. every joy, every slight, every achievement and every disappointment was felt deeply and intensely. now, if you've  been even a casual reader of this blog, you may be thinking that that acorn has definitely not fallen even a micrometer from that tree here in my mid-life. you might be right to a degree. what is different is, because of the power of the emotions i've felt, in large part due to changes in my emotional makeup, i've at least tucked my heart to the underside of my sleeve and put a sweater over my shirt.

how so? well, in the past i'd say if i had a feeling, i pretty much trusted it as gospel and went with it. as tends to be the case with most of us when we are young, i believed my feelings to be an entirely accurate reflection of reality and then i would act accordingly; however, as i shared in the entry brain chemistry , with the onset of bouts of acute depression that began in my early adult years, i started seeing that how i was feeling might not be the best barometer for what was taking place and certainly should not guide how i should react in kind (this is a very good thing because i am certain i would not be around today to type this blog. you all do think that is a good thing, right?). so over the years, i've tried to bring much more of my head, i.e., logic, to thinking through a situation and much less of my heart.

now to the male readers of this blog, there is probably a strong resonance with that approach (to the female readers, please do not read that as my stating that women are over-emotional or incapable of applying logic to a situation. i'm just saying that most men, at least in western culture, are guided to eschew feelings in favor of logic). there are times however that the heart should rule over the head. this entry is about one such occasion.

i'm not sure if i've shared here that last year michael and i entered into a civil union (which does beg the question that in the dissolution of such a relationship, is that called an "uncivil disengagement"?). i am leaving the particulars to undoing that specific matter to michael, primarily (and likely unfairly) because i feel like he's the one that got us into that mess in the first place.

you see, when we discussed getting back together, michael indicated that he wanted a real commitment in the form of a marriage or civil union. we discussed it over the month or so that followed and next thing i knew we were off to a courthouse in a neighboring state to get our license. truth be told, i was fine with the relationship as it was and the closer we got to the actual day, the more uncertain i became about taking that next step. this is when my head kicked in.

"you're just nervous. you've said you wanted to be with michael for the rest of your life. you told him you would do this. plus, what would it say to him if you told him that you didn't want to make this kind of commitment?" what would it say indeed? perhaps that, while i cared for michael, even then i was not completely certain if the relationship would work and that maybe involving courts and judges and legal paperwork was not the action to be taking just yet? so i pushed my feelings to the side, went with the logic and now i'm left with just one more thing to do to be completely out of the relationship (btw, i got further confirmation of maybe this wasn't the right thing to do when our after the event meal was a trip to a burger joint and that night we watched a movie and went to sleep. yes, no wedding night. and i should add here that one of the problems we've had was that there haven't been any "wedding nights" for quite some time. just sayin'.)

it's a tricky balance going with your head vs. your heart. and maybe the secret is to stop seeing them as adversaries and start making them allies. let emotion make the rational decision more meaningful and memorable. let reason inform the emotional choice so that it is sound and consequences have been thought through. that might be the ticket. what i do know for certain is that when determining whether or not to do anything that concerns making vows to another person, please be sure that your heart is in it somewhere.

moving beyond the zone of blame

there comes a time following a break-up where you just reach the point of getting tired of asking the questions -- why did it end? what did we do wrong? why did things change? why didn't things get better? should i have tried harder? what's wrong with me? i think i'm getting pretty close to that point now.

my sense of my proximity comes from a moment that i had yesterday in which the same type of questions came to mind and my reaction was, "i'm not really sure i care any more about finding the definitive answers. the reality is you're alone, it sucks and you're just going to have to do your best to deal with it (btw, i often go back and forth between first and second person when i think to myself. if you think that's scary, imagine how i feel. i live in this space)."

the reason i think i'm not quite out of the zone is that i do find myself still entertaining some of the "searching for an explanation" questions. i likely never will be rid of them completely. something will remind me of michael and that will prompt at least a question or two of the "what exactly happened" variety. what will lessen is the heartache that right now has been so acutely palpable.

the thing about moving beyond the zone of blame, at least in my case, is while i may be losing one set of questions, other more challenging ones still remain -- what happens next? will i meet someone? how do i meet someone?  can i trust my own judgement in who is right for me?  do i really want to be with someone else? will any new relationship just end in the same way? am i any good at relationships? and on, and on, and on, and on.

questions in of themselves are good things. they mean we want to learn, to avoid the same mistakes, to get better at what we do and who we are. questions are indeed good things. still, answers are even better.

have a nice day

it's a simple statement -- a brief extension of kindness to friend and stranger alike that the coming events of the day will be good ones. i work at an office with what i believe is a lovely custom of people making that statement to one another as they get off the elevator on that first ride in the morning. someone made this statement to me today and i had this sense that deep in my heart it will be awhile before the fulfillment of those words of encouragement is possible again.

missing someone (and not)

i know this is going to sound completely silly but i kinda miss you....

those are the words i wrote in an instant message several nights ago. it was one of those moments of open reflection that tend to catch me by surprise. the moment where i find myself saying or, in the case of online chats, writing something at the same time i'm thinking it. it's surprising as i, more often than not, tend to laboriously mull over emotionally weighted thoughts before expressing them, if i even choose to do so. the decision about whether to share or not is usually indirectly proportional to how of open and vulnerable to embarrassment or emotional pain the revelation will make me.

except in the case of the open reflection, where words just fly out before i've really fully processed them. in such a case the general first reaction is to cringe and castigate myself for sharing something so, well, honest (i am nothing if not my own best tormentor or is that worst?). and then the words tend to just hang there as i await a response.

such was the case this particular evening. transcripts show that it was actually exactly 30 minutes before i got a response (a winking smiley face). now that's a long wait for anyone. for me it felt more like the amount of time i would imagine it would take me to walk from here to new york and back. in fact, about seven minutes after, i myself wrote the retort, "and apparently i was correct" (tormentor: 1, open/vulnerable self: 0 ).

now for those of you who have been following this blog over the past few weeks, you are probably thinking that i wrote those words to michael, my ex. and if that was your thought, you would be wrong. those words were actually written to s.r. (formally known as my new friend).

let's take a break for a moment to set some context, i met s.r. through an online venue we both frequent. we would run into each other every so often and chat for a bit. we'd send an occasional email back and forth. then the chatting became more regular. and then the idea of maybe meeting face to face some day occurred. so through a combination of planning and coincidence, we've actually had the opportunity to meet in person a couple of times. and in all honesty, i'm a bit smitten with him. it does need to be noted that "being smitten" is a phenomenon that has likely occurred with every friend i've made (male or female) since i was a teenager. given my specific proclivities, i will admit that the feelings tend to be stronger with the males, but eventually they adjust to the proper perspective. now, back to the main focus of this particular entry (yes, there is actually a point or two to be made).

i was reminded of sharing the particular phrase that opens this entry following a quick bout of texting with s.r. yesterday.  i could tell that i had one of those "goofy grins" on my face when i got done and that i had that missing him feeling again. so, of course, the tormentor immediately stepped in with, "you do know it's ridiculous that you're having these feelings? you don't even know him really." and with that i thought this entry was going to be entitled "missing someone you don't really know."

it does indeed feel silly to miss someone you don't really know. particularly when you suspect that to the other person, you may be someone that he finds to be pleasant company, but otherwise you don't really occupy much of their waking thoughts. yet, silly or not, the fact is i do kinda miss him, and i'll just have to let those emotions run their course.

so that was going to be the sole focus of today's entry until i had a more sobering moment of reflection later in the day. i was driving to a haircut appointment listening to taylor swift's most recent album red. i am learning this is the perfect post-break up album as it has quite a few songs about the challenges of relationships, however, as i was listening to songs like all too well and i almost do, the thought struck me of "why don't i feel any of this emotion for my break-up with michael?" i mean i literally did not feel one bit of pain about missing michael. i then started trying to think of things that i missed about being with him. i came up completely empty. there was not one event, moment, conversation, experience that i could think of. and that's when my heart really sank.

"omg. what have i been doing for this past year plus?!!" is the exact thought that came to mind later in the evening as i contemplated the startling revelation from that late afternoon drive. and then a corollary thought to the morning's reflection came to me, "what does it mean when you don't miss someone that you do really, really know?" is this living proof of the veracity of the saying that familiarity breeds contempt? or is it really just the final confirmation that i needed that my going back to michael, my being with michael was an unfortunate mistake?

confirmation it may be, but i wish i could shake the feeling that all of the back and forth with michael (which strangely enough feels like i've had three different relationships rather than one continuous one with a couple of breaks) has somehow been wasted time and has even further limited my chances for love and intimate relationship. i'm not even sure that's what i should be wanting from life or if it is, in what ways. i have so many questions and doubts and so few answers or assurances. plus, i still really kinda miss s.r.