teetering

it's been a rough morning thus far. i woke up kind of groggy and feeling a bit wobbly -- not in terms of physical bearing but rather as if my emotions were teetering between falling on the side of a "good" day or a "bad" day (i put those words in quotes because the reader should be aware they have specific meaning as related to my emotional state rather than what would be the more common connotation that would typically come to mind. "good" days mean that i can get through without any significant feelings of despair or hopelessness -- what i continue to call my "maintaining a level of strain" days. from that description you should be able to tell what a "bad" day is).

and that moving back on this razor thin emotional edge has continued for much of the morning as i've attempted to complete my holiday decorating and get the house in order for the upcoming twelve days of christmas (since becoming catholic -- one thing i have embraced is this concept of christmas lasting for twelve days -- from christmas day to the feast of the epiphany). one minute i'm doing fine setting up a piece of greenery or putting one of my santas (yes, i have a collection. though much reduced since most of it is in the basement in the st. louis house) into place. the next i have this sick feeling in my stomach, am on the verge of tears and all i can think about is retreating (yet again) to my bed.

i'm doing my best to plow through because i would like to have the house ready for the remainder of the season ahead by the end of the weekend. if you have a good thought to spare, please send it my way. i most definitely could use the positive energy.

off the ledge (for now)

it's always a surreal experience when you have an emotional breakdown. all the truths and beliefs to which you've clung are called into doubt and seem to melt away quicker than ice cream on a hot august day. with that foundation gone, it's just one freefall into a deeper hole of depression and despair.

it's as equally strange the day after such an experience. for me, without fail, the first question that emerges is just a declaration of complete mystification. "what was that," i invariably am asking myself. i often have no idea of what pulled me into that space (though i suspect the combination of certain pieces of news, lack of sleep, and forgetting to take my morning dose of medication may have been a factor) nor how i have managed to stabilize (though again taking said forgotten medication, some sleep, and certainly words of encouragement (thanks rjg, sr, and gary) were contributory to my stabilization).

indeed, i do feel better after yesterday's episode. better but not great. i'm hoping a mid-day departure from work for an early start to the weekend will help me get through the two days of the work week next week. then maybe the long extended break that follows allow me to get some rest and more importantly perspective of where my life needs to go from here.

it's on this last point about new perspective though that i'm not very optimistic. i'm not sure with so much uncertainty that i will be able to find much clarity or that i will not be finding myself back on that ledge again. i think i have to hope and wait for more living to do that. god grant me the strength to do so.

confirmation

a note from michael.

hey,

 

i just got an email about the condos at Inverness. Just think, i could be out there now, or rather, the process could be moving along....no desires....just the third floor lovely condos. I miss what could have been.

I wish I was preparing to move rather than what I am doing now.

A little girl is next to me now.

Hugs,

Michael

this day is not going at all well. 

in a spiral

not much to share. a difficult night followed by an even more painful morning. i awoke to a simple statement that reminded me of something that seems to be the culminating truth of all that i've reflected on - i'm a failure at realtionship. i'm a terrible son, terrible partner, terrible lover, terrible friend. please don't try to tell that it's not true. not today. i wouldn't hear you even if you did, even if you wanted to. oh and when a little voice tells you that maybe you shouldn't check your skype this morning, next time listen.

acute affection deprivation disorder

it was another rough night in the clarus65 household (party of one) last evening. at a certain point, i was just curled up on my bed, thinking, "if i could just have someone to hold me right now, even for  just a bit, maybe i would be alright." that palpable need for some physical affection is most definitely not new, but last night it was at its most acute level (at least i hope that was the most acute because i'm not sure i could survive a stronger dose).

the feeling reminded me of my days when i worked in hospitals and i would be walking through the neonatal intensive care units and see the volunteers providing much needed nurturing to prematurely born infants. they often would be sitting in rocking chairs, gently holding those delicate lives in their arms, whispering to them, willing them to hold on to life, assuring them they were loved. i would always be moved by witnessing such a simple but powerful act of intimacy. even as i type this i am affected deeply -- in part because of the nature of the act itself, in part, likely, because i'm still feeling that need for affection myself.

"how could i be in this state so soon," i questioned myself. "i've only been broken up with michael for about a month." it's then that i remembered that part of the reason for the break up is that with very few exceptions over the past five years (and pretty much none in the past year or so)  there was not much physical or emotional intimacy. now granted in that five years, michael and i were only actually together for about half that time and we were not living in the same city during any of that period (for the inquiring mind, during the other half of that time i was not with anyone else. the same cannot be said for michael. catty aside completed, i will continue with this entry).

so with that recollection it became clear that what i am currently experiencing is not a sudden onslaught of this condition. it has likely resulted from five years (or maybe even more) of no significant experience of affection in my life. i am sure what has made it even more acute is the awareness that i have no idea when or even if i will experience this particular form of affection (one wrapped in the form of a male of the species) again in any meaningful way.

a quick google search on the term that came to me for my condition (which serves as the title of this particular entry) revealed that there was no such animal that bore this specific descriptor. however, i did find a "related" condition termed "emotional deprivation disorder." reading through the definition certainly was an eye opening experience as i have struggled with many of the issues that are described in the definition (well, definitely not with kleptomania but that was in the "further symptoms experienced by some" category). while, i'm certainly not ready to self-diagnose myself as having a full blown case of "edd," i can't deny that some of the points made hit uncomfortably close to home.

i thought all the years of therapy i experienced had brought about much of the healing i needed in this area, but i guess there is still work that remains to be done. if that's the case, i still wouldn't mind starting with being held by a sweet, kind guy. anyone have any suggestions?

it feels like i've lost my family

this was the thought that came to me as i was preparing my breakfast this morning. i had just moments earlier seen a message in my email inbox from my mother, indicating she had arrived home safely from her trip to rome (she took a european cruise for thanksgiving). this news got me thinking about the fact that i would not be traveling for the holidays and that i would be here in denver alone.

actually, the more i think about it, this moment of reflection really was not new but rather a continuation of thoughts that i had last evening (a truly dark night of the soul if there ever was one). in them i recalled the things i had grown up believing "family" was all about -- love, acceptance, support, encouragement. and at this time of year, as naive and rather silly as it may sound, i really believed in the idea of the holidays being a special time for families to gather and celebrate.

i then started thinking about how little of that i've experienced in my life and that this year in particular the thought of spending this time with my biological family seemed especially unappealing. it is difficult to live with the understanding that your family doesn't accept who you are and in fact are really opposed to the things you want out of life.

i believe i've shared before that my mother would rather see me alone than with another man. it was a statement made after michael and i had reconciled. i would have to say that over time it has become the singular most painful comment she's ever made to me, and i know the wound is actually still deepening from it rather than healing. now, with the break up with michael (and the loss of a family i thought i was building for the rest of my lifetime), the idea of going to sit and chat and make nice nice with people who would be delighted if they knew of this turn of events is rather unpalatable  (no, i have not shared the break up yet. maybe when i'm in a better emotional state, which at this rate feels like about, well, never).

so for this year, i've sent off my christmas card with a nice fat check and i imagine my mother and the extended family will gather and celebrate together. it will be a nice scene of eating a nice meal, catching up on events, playing bible trivia, etc. they likely will lament that i am not there with maybe a reference or two on what a disappointing son i must be and how it's such a shame about my "lifestyle." a good time should be had by all.

maybe one day i will be able to join them again. i know to do so will require that i be able to tap in to the reservoir of forgiveness and grace that exists for each of us and that we christians believe was the source of the great miracle that we celebrate at this time of year. it is certainly something to hope for and aspire to. maybe one day, i will. sadly, that day is most definitely not today.

a case of the weepies

you never know when they're going to strike. for me it was standing in line at qdoba. filled with families, friends, and couples likely taking a quick food break from their holiday shopping, seeing as this particular franchise location is right across from one of our area's most popular malls. people excitedly chatting, laughing, smiling all while enjoying some fast food tex mex. it was a nice scene.

and then all of sudden, i was overcome with a case of the weepies. it started with a full wave of sadness, followed by a deep feeling of acute aloneness, and culminated with that familiar feeling of slight water pressure in my eyes, threatening to overflow but contained by a combination of self-will and a weariness of such depth that even crying seems to be too much effort.

it's scary when you're in that place emotionally that you have no idea how, when or where the weepies might come about. it makes it difficult to avoid them and can be the cause for some disconcerting interactions. i got them in the cab once, and i keep imagining that the cab driver was wondering why a simple declaration that i was going to the airport would elicit such an emotional reaction (then again it was a cabbie, so i imagine he's pretty much seen it all).

yesterday was a particularly strange case. i had finished yesterday's blog entry (which i thought was one of my better recent ones) and had just begun christmas decorating when i realized that i needed batteries for the pre-lit greenery that i place on the outside of the house. i stopped into the qdoba on my way back from stocking up on said batteries at the nearby home depot to grab some quick take out. prior to the stop i was feeling pretty ok. following, not so much.

when i got home i did manage to finish decorating the outside of the house (fortunately, i've gone pretty simple these days -- a wreath on the door, some swags on the outside lanterns and a garland draped on the outside railing and i'm done), but that effort took all the spare reserves of energy and enthusiasm that i had. i heated up my take out naked burrito, finished it, took a shower and climbed into bed all by the late night hour of 6 p.m. -- all the while the weepies lingered and shadowed my every action.

and today? pretty much more of the same. still a little tired, subdued, and definitely, most assuredly, weepy.

if only . . . .

it's the beginning of a series of thoughts many of us have when we're experiencing a life-altering experience, particularly one that we wish had not or did not have to have occurred. "if only i had done  this or that differently..." "if only i had been more aware..." "if only i knew then what i know now...." it's this last one that i've been pondering quite a bit lately along with it's fantasy corollary, "if only i could go back in time and make a different choice." i suppose it's natural to have these thoughts at the end of a problematic relationship. i know even in the midst of my relationship with michael, whenever severe challenges came, there was one pivotal night that i always went back to and wondered what would life be like if i had made a different choice.

the night took place a couple of months into our relationship and began innocently enough. michael and i met up for dinner and afterward made plans to go out with friends to a local piano bar that was a favorite of michael's. a nice dinner followed by visiting with friends on the outdoor patio of a fun hangout -- what could be better? well, as the evening progressed, michael had decided that what would make his evening a fun one would be to have whatever his favorite alcoholic beverage at the time happened to be (i'm guessing it was a cosmopolitan) and as much of it as possible.

as the evening progressed, michael became increasingly "physically" demonstrative. now you might think that my issue was some kind of discomfort with pda, but actually it was the fact that the gestures weren't loving and affectionate, but rather clumsy and inappropriately aggressive and very unlike how michael was under less alcohol influenced circumstances. i did my best to nicely and politely maneuver away from the scenario, but there eventually came the moment i had to tell him enough was enough. he wasn't happy about that and he pouted for much of the remainder of our time at the bar. i thought my drawing boundaries put an end to the matter and that we would have a more pleasant rest of the evening. seeing as i view this as a pivotal moment in our relationship, i'm thinking you already know that i was (as i would be in similar moments throughout the relationship) wrong.

when we got back to my place, no sooner than i had closed the door, michael lit into me with a tirade of verbal abuse that i literally had never experienced from another human being in my life up to that time. he went on for what seemed to be forever but was likely no more than 10 or 15 minutes. when he was done, he slumped down on the couch and passed out. i went over to the stairs, climbed up a few and sat there looking at him for quite some time in kind of a stunned silence. when my thoughts started coming to me, they were of the variety of, "what have i gotten myself into? this is not what i signed up for. maybe i need to end it now before i'm in this too deep."after awhile, i calmed down a bit and reasoned that if i wanted the relationship to go the distance i needed to learn that you can't run at the first sign of trouble or difficulty. and so i stuck with it.

over the course of the next several years, i learned that michael's challenges with alcohol would not be isolated to that evening and would result in significant further challenges in our relationship that would result in the first two break-ups (given the particular context of this story, let's say we suspend the drinking game for this one entry, shall we?). it may have even played a small part in this latest one as i realized not too long ago that despite his insistence that he had no need for alcohol, i learned (by finding the trunk of his car filled with wine bottles) that michael and alcohol were still entwined in their unfortunate relationship.

in any event, i have been thinking again about that fateful night. what if i had chose differently? what if i could indeed travel back in time and visit my past self, shake him and say, "run, don't walk out of this relationship as soon and as fast as you can!"? what if indeed.

now the conventional wisdom that we've all been given is that you should never want to change an event in your past because you have no idea how that may have contributed to the person you've become today. i've certainly lived my life with that belief but today i've been wondering, "is that really true in all cases?"

what about the person with a lifelong smoking habit that's just been diagnosed with lung cancer? would it really be so terrible for him to be able to go back and tell his teenage self to not pick up the habit? what about the girl who finds herself with an unwanted pregnancy? Would it be that horrible if she went back, and even if she couldn't dissuade her "just a few weeks ago" self that sex with this guy could wait that she could at least make sure her earlier self made the boy use a condom? or what about even michael? what if he could go back and tell himself not to bother with alcohol because it would only bring about needless difficulties? what would that have done for his life? what would it have done for our life together?

there is this wonderful episode of the television series, star trek: the next generation (still, to date, my favorite incarnation of the star trek anthology) entitled tapestry (so wonderful in fact that i see in the wikipedia entry i've linked you to, the episode was ranked by entertainment weekly as the fourth best episode of that entire seven year long series). i won't go into details because you have a link to the synopsis (but i would recommend seeing if it's on netflix or hulu first and actually watching the episode. you won't be sorry that you did). within it captain jean-luc picard is given the opportunity to make a different choice related to a pivotal moment in his own life. the choice has profound ramifications on his present day life, and i've always looked at that episode as an affirmation of what i stated earlier in this entry as the conventional wisdom view that it is better to leave the past alone. in thinking about this episode earlier today, i did pose the question in my own mind, "but what about the scenarios i raised where it might indeed be a good thing to go back and change the past?"

then i thought of what is the pivotal message from the tapestry episode -- that our lives are indeed like physical tapestries, which likely have many loose and frayed ends. you may try to remove one, but you have no idea if that one will cause the whole thing to come unraveled. it's not about the fact that maybe going back in time may make our lives better or worse than they are today. it's about the fact that you can't know what past event is connected to which of the infinite other varieties of ways in which your life would have proceeded from that moment. and when dealing with infinite choices, maybe it's better to deal with the one choice we have in our lives today -- "to do our best, to give our love, and to be good to our troop"  (to borrow from a favorite quote from an unlikely source).

hmm, i managed to write something positive in outlook during this time of life. maybe, there is something to this idea of christmas being the season of miracles.