when the dreaming stops

another favorite song from many years ago. it's from a new album i recently purchased, but the song is a selection from a movie from my childhood that is much beloved by both children and adults alike.

my first play of this song was in the car today on the way to running some errands. in listening to it, as moving as the performance is, i couldn't help but reflect on how far separated i am from the person that i was -- the dreamer that could bring the admonition of this song to life. and as the song played on and my eyes let loose a few quiet tears i wondered what becomes of a person when the dreaming stops?

pure imagination -- josh groban (from the album stages)

better neither seen nor heard

i was just sitting here at my desk wondering why i feel like i'm becoming increasingly insular in my life - why i seem to be reaching out and making contact with people less and less. this is one of those times where the answer came to me pretty quickly. i realized that somewhere along the way, likely in part due to the various conversations that i've had with certain folks about the challenge of dealing with me in my depression, i've come to believe that while i'm in this state of being, people just would prefer not to deal with me. in essence when it comes to interactions with me unless i'm in a positive and optimistic frame of mind, it would be best for me to remain out of sight and out of mind.

that's not to say that when people contact me, i do not or would not respond. i do and would. in fact, i suppose, i see someone reaching out to me as a sign that the particular individual wants to engage with me no matter my emotional condition and so it's "safe" to respond with how i'm doing and feeling.

i should make it clear that i am not saying that my perceptions are correct. i'm just stating what seems to be the prevailing perspective that is resulting in a certain action (or i guess more accurately "inaction") on my part. the sad thing is i have no idea how to change this state of mind or even if i should. i mean, while i'm not saying that the perspectives are correct, i'm not necessarily stating that they are wrong either.

badly bruised

you know how when you get a really bad bruise that not only the slightest touch brings great pain, but  even the thought of being touched in that spot can generate a lot of hurt. that's kind of the place i am in life right now. thinking about going out into the world or even letting the world in just brings this aching to my heart and tears to my eyes.

that sense of brokenness in all of the dimensions of my life persists and now it just seems like too much with which to cope. but the world does not stop for my hurt and expectations must be met. and so i carry my badly bruised self into what feels like an uncaring world and i bring it back, maybe even more bruised by the day's events, to this lonely domicile, where the pondering of isolation and hunger for affection and companionship creates more damage still.

and i wonder, what really is the point of it all?

more music anyone?

this must be the week for me connecting with music, particularly songs i haven't heard in awhile. i was surfing the net earlier today and somehow came in contact with the title of the first song in this two song medley i've posted below. i remember that i liked the song but couldn't remember how the song went beyond the first line, which is the title of the song. some google searching later i came across this particular performance. it was paired with another song by the same composer which is also a favorite.

now there are many wonderful performances of both songs to choose, from and i encourage you to find some of the others. i chose this particular one because not only are the songs performed together, but the tone is very much in keeping with my current mood.

the first song makes me think of how i feel when people tell me to cheer up or look on the bright side of things and the second, well, that should be self explanatory.

anyone can whistle/being alive - sutton foster

not there yet

so here's a far more recent song about love, redemption and renewal. listening to it several times over the past few weeks has made me realize how far i am from this outcome, particularly when these are the only lyrics from the song that really resonate with me:

The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

not a fun time in life right now. not at all.

clean - taylor swift
(skip ad when get to page)

a prayer for love

heard this old song earlier today. it both took me back to a simpler time and expressed a current longing. i share both song and lyrics here as another prayer to that limitless source of good, truth, and love, that if you are out there, whoever and wherever you may be, i hope that we find our way to one another soon to find the kind healing, redemptive love that is expressed in this song.

i guess some hopes really do die hard don't they? though i'm feeling as if this particular one is on life support.

everlasting love - andy gibb

I've been here all your life
Watching your crying game
You were the heaven in my lonely world
And he was your sun and your rain
I was losing you before I ever held you tight
Before you ever held me in your arms
And I won't make you blue
And maybe an everlasting love will do

I've got an everlasting love
So tall, so wide, so high
Above the rumble of thunder down below
It's your love I need
It's the only show
And it's you on an everlasting dream
Can take us anywhere
Are the tears of yesterday
We killed the pain
We blew away the memories of the tears we cried
And an everlasting love will never die

Take me out of the cold, give me what I've hungered for
If it's the pleasure of taking my heart that you need
Then it only makes me love you more
I was yours before the stars were born
And you were mine
I could have saved you all the pain you knew
And I won't make you cry
And maybe an everlasting love can try

I've got an everlasting love
So tall, so wide, so high
Above the rumble of thunder down below
It's your love I need
It's the only show
And it's you on an everlasting dream
Can take us anywhere
Are the tears of yesterday
We killed the pain
We blew away the memories of the tears we cried
And an everlasting love will never die
(repeat)



Read more: Andy Gibb - An Everlasting Love Lyrics | MetroLyrics