a note to a friend

i wrote the following to a friend in a skype message last sunday. today i realized that i could have written this note on any day for the last few years (if not for much of my adult life), and it would have felt as true then as it did when i wrote this and as it does today:

just got back from my walk
did a lot of thinking
i’ve always tried to be a good person
i’ve tried to be kind, considerate, giving, gracious, loving
to all the people who have been in my life
and yet none of it seems to have mattered
my life is pretty empty and meaningless and i’m always alone

lasting effects

it occurred to me recently that if you want to know how an emotionally painful experience affects me, all you need to know is this one thing. my dog nicholas died a little over seven years ago. to this day i refuse to get another dog.