letting the music take over again

so i've written a lot of words today both on this blog and in other venues. i'm done with words for awhile. it's back to music to express where i am and how i'm feeling. and it's back to the archives again for a song that i imagine will be my song of this year. it seems to capture completely where i am and where it appears i will be for some time to come.

i am only one - we are the fallen

only to me

so what does it mean when at the same time i'm struggling with thoughts that i will always be alone, i get a facebook friend request from my ex's current boyfriend? i hope the universe is getting a good laugh because so far i'm not having much fun.

friend?

upfront disclaimer: not about sean

i find it to be the strangest of phenomenons when a person tells you that they are your friend and how much they care about you, yet, when that same person does something that leads to your being hurt, he is nowhere to be seen. this seems to be a common trait in most men i've encountered. i'm doing my best (and failing) to not be disappointed and further hurt by the absence in this particular situation. yet despite the various means for contacting me that i've shared with (actually, now i'm feeling more like maybe it felt like forced upon) this particular individual, there is no check in, no wondering how you're doing since we last talked. only silence.

i guess i need to accept that it is the rare guy who is willing to enter into the pain of another person, especially if he may have contributed to causing that pain. even so, at the moment all i feel is being so very fucking weary of believing and trusting in what men tell me. it seems to just keep bringing me back to the same not very good place.

so, here's a song from the archives that while not exactly about this scenario, it is a great song for venting the emotion i feel (particularly the chorus).

sick - evanescence

i need to add

just had a moment where i realized that no matter how much i question where i may stand with sean, it doesn't change the fact that i care for him very much.

fading away

i decided to write tonight because i don't think i'm going to have the energy to face this blog tomorrow. i just posted an entry about having another bad moment. the cracks have spread rapidly through my metaphorical picture window of this one friendship and it is rapidly falling apart. i expect by morning there will be nothing left but a vague memory of what i used to believe was this friendship i had.

i wrote some months back that the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. and i can see that i've harbored a lie for the better part of a year. i've told myself that it would be possible for me to matter to a man who lives hundreds of miles to the east, who has a life of his own that i am barred from being a part of. it is not that he has done anything wrong except maybe to have taken time out of what is indeed his very busy life to meet with me one fateful weekend in a certain mid-western city.

it is not so much that i wish or plan to end this friendship. i just realize that i don't have the strength to engage in it in the same way as before. the sad thing is i think i've been doing so with the perspective that if i didn't work furiously to maintain the connection on a daily basis then i would be quickly forgotten and the relationship would end. i see now that can happen no matter what i do. in fact, i suspect that deep down i expect that this is what will happen and i will be shelved in the back of his memory as a passing experience, rarely remembered and certainly not missed.

another nighttime bad moment

well the cracks have begun to form and spread. i think it's time to finally let go and realize that i'm just meant to be alone.

the after the bad moment

i'm guessing it's pretty clear from the previous entry that i had a kind of a bad moment last night. the moment has passed but not without making some impact.

the metaphorical image that comes to mind is that of a pebble that has broken through a stain glass window. much of the image is still intact except this one tiny hole in the glass through which trickles a small shaft of white light rather than the multi-hued illuminated image that is the effect produced from the rest of the window.

what remains to be seen is if the hole can be repaired keeping the window intact or if that one hole will over time spread cracks that weaken the integrity of the entire window until finally it all comes crashing down, leaving only an empty space where once stood a beautiful, comforting picture of what could be.

my fears realized

the demons are back and they whisper to me anew, "you are such a little fool to believe that he cares about you with your stupid little text messages. he and no one else is coming to visit you. just give up now and walk away to the only life you will know, alone and forgotten." they whisper and i listen and i'm starting to believe they are right.

reminded

i would have to say that the events of this weekend have definitely shifted my view of my life from being "glass quarter filled" to "glass three quarters empty" (i never reached the halfway mark). it's as if i was moving along with this "maybe things can get better" sort of attitude and then the conversations of saturday through monday came, and i was reminded, "oh wait, this is my life. yeah, "better" is not really a dynamic that emerges in my life when it comes to relationships with men - disappointing and tragic would be the more apt descriptors."

i'm sitting here now at my desk, having just finished a conference call and with about 30 minutes until my next meeting, and i'm thinking, "where do i go from here?" perhaps an even more basic question is "how do i get out of this emotional pit into which i feel i am sinker even deeper and deeper?"

i have a therapy session this afternoon, and maybe some direction will emerge from there. i have to admit though that i'm not looking forward to it. the whole idea of scrutinizing what i'm feeling and going through that emotion at a deeper level just does not sound appealing in my current state (crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head for the next, oh maybe, decade or so -- now that, that sounds very appealing). i thought briefly this morning about cancelling the session but then realized that avoiding therapy because i'm depressed really defeats the purpose of being in therapy in the first place (however painful the experience may turn out to be).

i think the most concerning result of this recent experience is the effect that the fear of being hurt again is having on my outlook on current and future relationships. in terms of current, i had built up a certain amount of security and confidence about my friendship with sean that now feels in danger of eroding away as small doubts begin to emerge. i am doing my best to push those doubts away, but i'm not sure how long i will be successful in doing so.

and as for the future, i have already gone back into the withdrawn space in terms of the online communities within which i participate. i am now just watching conversations transpire, feeling neither motivated to or secure in my ability to open myself even a bit to new relationships or even interactions. and if that is the case with relationships that are really based in a virtual reality, i see no likelihood of my engaging in relationships in the physical realm anytime in the foreseeable (and even beyond) future. life just does not look good right now.

i so hate when this happens

and it's back. the phenomenon that seems to always follow any experience of rejection or abandonment whether perceived or actual. this knife wound to my heart that just bleeds and bleeds, flooding my soul with sadness, despair, and a sense that there is a barrier to my being known and loved in this world. i am so very tired of this experience and of this supposed life i have.

two weekends

so the extended weekend visit with my friend has come to a close (in fact, if her flight was on time, she should have taken off just about ten minutes ago), and i am back in this place to reflect and ruminate (the things i do best) on what transpired over the past four days. the weekend was an interesting experience. actually, as the days progressed, i became acutely aware that what began as a single experience was splitting into what can best be described as two parallel experiences that were occurring pretty much simultaneously (if it were a movie, the visual would be a split screen).

on the one side of the screen, we have the fun and delightful experience with my friend. we had a truly wonderful time visiting sites in the area, combing through bookstores, driving along listening to 70's music on siriusxm satellite radio, and laughing as only two long-time friends can do. one of my favorite memories was our sitting on my living room floor combing through letters she had sent me over the years, dating back to our respective freshman years in high school that were lived about 400 miles apart (one quick aside, i should note that this experience was made possible by the fact that i have kept every single card and letter that pretty much anyone has sent/given me over the almost 50 years of my life. it comes from the fact that i feel that with each one, it is as if the person has sent me a part of themselves and to discard that piece of written correspondence would be as if i were throwing away a piece of that person). it was all indeed a very, very special time.

the other experience emerged on saturday and grew in impact as the days rolled through to monday. i won't go into specifics as there are people who read this blog who are friends with myself and the other person in the dynamic. my reluctance to share details probably stems mostly from the fact that i feel pretty stupid and foolish that i allowed what happened to happen. in short, it involved the results of having opened my heart and extending myself to someone who, while initially responsive, ultimately determined that the kind of friendship i was proposing was not for him. of course, being the kind person he is, he was gracious and stated he was "honored" by my offer (as i indicated to him, i get the "i'm flattered/honored" thing a lot in similar circumstances and am even thinking of getting a t-shirt to commemorate that fact).

the dialogue that occurred over the three days left me feeling rejected, undesirable, and again unlovable. as i described to another friend, it felt as if i had been punched in the stomach and had my heart ripped out at the same time. these are not new emotions for me to experience, but if you will think back to the previous entry's analogy, the experience was another switch that turned up my connection to the deeper identity scars and pain that have plagued me much of my life. between my mother's visit and this event, i would say i am well plugged in at this point.

and i found myself having to hold both experiences in my mind at the same time. i would literally be laughing with my friend over one period of time and then weepy in my bedroom for another period. there were even moments when the feelings were happening at almost exactly the same time. for example, i would be chatting happily with her as we walked together through a bookstore, and then, when we separated, my thoughts would drift to the other situation, and i'd feeling that gut wrenching heartache all over again.

and now my friend is in the midst of returning home and there is only one path -- the pain-filled one. i am unfortunately back in the place that i was in the early part of the year with a feeling that when it comes to men, the only certainty is that i will feel hurt and rejection and that i will never be good enough. poor sean got the brunt of this feeling in a furious bout of text messaging yesterday as my experience with the one person brought back many of the doubts that i had harbored about my relationship with sean not too many months ago (btw, sean was the "another friend" that got the colorful visualization of how i was feeling).

today, i'm in a better place of being "cautiously optimistic" (rather than the "soundly confident" place i was before the weekend) about the status of my friendship with sean. then again, i remember he's a man, and i wonder if my heart and my stomach may be in danger once again.