change of venue

so this is my first entry typed on my brand new 17" macbook pro. just typing those words gives me a little tingle. i am a long time apple admirer and on again, off again consumer, dating back to grad school when my first computer was a macintosh. since then i've had ipods and i still own one of the original imacs (well sort of own. it's back in st. louis and my ex now has possession). for some insane reason i decided to purchase an hp laptop when i moved here. three years later the cd/dvd drive doesn't work and the sound just went out. that's when i decided to come back into the fold (or cult some might say) and purchase a macbook pro. it feels good to be home.

speaking of home, this is the month that likely my offer for the new job will come and will require my pulling up stakes and moving on to a new place of residence. i was just thinking how strange it will feel moving back to a state where as a gay man, i don't have the right to marry. i'm not sure but colorado may even be one of the states that has a constitutional amendment prohibiting same gender marriages. now it's not as if it would be alone in that company, but it's been a great feeling to live in a state where the right to marry is guaranteed. it's made me wonder if circumstances were a little different, i.e., if i were in a relationship now and if i liked my job (ok maybe a lot different) would i choose to move. still the reality is, i do need to move and i'm ready to move, so let's just hope for the best.

speaking of best, did i mention that i have a new 17" macbook pro?

emotion-less

toward the end of the work day today, i was standing by the community printer lost in aimless thought when a colleague and friend came up and said to me, "you look sad." "really? maybe i'm just tired" was my reply. to tell the truth, i really wasn't feeling much of anything at that moment. actually, i haven't been feeling much of anything in general for the past several days. i continue to be in a state of mere existence. 

every now and again i might have an actual feeling (more often than not, sadness or anger), but for the most part i'm pretty empty inside. so much so that after those moments of emotion do come and go, i'm like, "what was that?" so unaccustomed to them have i become. 

remember when you were a kid your parents told you not to make funny faces because it might stay that way permanently? i used to imagine what it would be like walking around for the rest of my life with a distorted face. i'm starting to wonder if the same danger may exist if you harbor a broken heart for too long?