smiling big on the outside, dying on the inside

come into my world - amy grant

Come into my world
Come crashing through the ceiling
And find the messy rooms, the scattered pearls
If you are brave enough then come into my world

Come into my world
So lovely from the outside
So dark in here the demons dance and twirl
And find their pleasure frightening this girl
If you are brave then come into my world

[Chorus:]
Cause I never saw the changes come
Or knew enough to run when this old house had come undone
And now I'm buried in the walls
And no one comes to call but you
Come into my world

Come into my world
I can not find the doorway
It's overgrown with vines that twist and curl
If you are brave then come into my world

Come into my world
There'll be no other invitation
Not another sound another word
Nothing more than you've already heard
Please be brave and come into my world

[Chorus]

is it like this for everyone?

this morning i woke up, laid in bed for several moments, got up and headed downstairs to have a little breakfast. as i do pretty much every morning, i started by making some coffee. when i got to the refrigerator to get some creamer, i stopped and thought, "what am i doing? what is my life about anyway? am i ever going to feel my life has any purpose or meaning again?" i then got the creamer, checked in the freezer to see if i had any frozen waffles (i didn't), finished preparing my coffee (creamer, two splenda), sat down at my kitchen island, opened my laptop, checked some emails, and then started this entry. to paraphrase the opening of the movie american beauty, why do i feel as if this will be the high point of my day?

an afternoon emotional crisis

this has not been the best day for me. i had this moment where i was just sitting about to engage in an online chat and all of a sudden these thoughts of all the things that i perceive are so wrong with my life came flooding into my consciousness seemingly all at once. it was pretty overwhelming as with each issue there seemed to be no resolution in sight. each problem that came to mind seemed more intractable than the next.

it all came to a head with the single heart-stopping, blood-chilling thought of "oh my god, what is going to happen to my life?" the question was entirely rhetorical as again there was no apparent solution in sight. no solution but the prevailing thought was that my prospects did not seem good for anything to get better anytime soon (in fact, there really was no belief that anything would ever get better).

i don't like feeling like this. i really don't. part of me recognized that the depth of the emotional pain was as much about my brain chemistry again being out of balance as it was due to any true evaluation of my life circumstances. and yet, life does not look at all good at this point.

i had planned on posting this song this evening prior to my afternoon crisis of faith in a better future. it's a song that is on the same album as the one i posted earlier today. with respect to my life, it doesn't speak to anyone in particular but at the same time the resulting impact of the relationship loss perfectly captures what i've been experiencing for over a year (getting closer to two). certainly, the lyric "i don't give fuck if the sun comes up" is a feeling with which i am intimately familiar; and sadly it feels as if we will be keeping close company for quite some time to come.

another lonely night - adam lambert

simply put

a pretty apt description of how i feel at this moment in time.

ghost town - adam lambert

Died last night in my dreams
Walking the streets
Of some old ghost town
I tried to believe
In God and James Dean
But Hollywood sold out

Saw all of the saints
Lock up the gates
I could not enter
Walked into the flames
Called out your name
But there was no answer

And now I know my heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town

Died last night in my dreams
All the machines
Had been disconnected
Time was thrown at the wind
And all of my friends
Had been disaffected

Now, I'm searching for trust
In a city of rust
A city of vampires
Tonight, Elvis is dead
And everyone's spread
And love is a satire

And now I know my heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town

There's no one left in the world
I'm gunslingin'
Don't give a fuck if I go
Down, down, down
I got a voice in my head that keeps singing
Oh, my heart is a ghost town

My heart is a ghost town
Oh, my heart is a ghost town
(Said, my heart)
My heart is a ghost town
My heart is a ghost town



Read more: Adam Lambert - Ghost Town Lyrics | MetroLyrics

when you're weary . . . .

and here's the second song about the ideal of having someone be there for you in even the most difficult of times. it's a classic, and to be honest, i can't believe i've never posted it before. let it take you where it will.

bridge over troubled water - simon and garfunkel

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all (all)
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you (ooo)
I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

someone

if there is one thing that i have stated numerous times about the challenges of dealing with clinical depression it is that what makes the situation all the more challenging is struggling with this condition alone. ever since my doctor's visit the week before last, i've been feeling the reality of this perspective even more acutely. i don't know. there's something about being told that you may need to undergo a serious medical procedure that makes one feel particularly vulnerable, in need of support and nurturing care, and, if that caring support is not imminently available, very (very) alone.

i guess it's having this feeling that would explain why i have been gravitating toward songs that speak to the subject of deep friendships, relationships, and love. i have two more for today that extol the virtues of having the presence of someone you care for and who cares for you in your life.

before sharing the first song i have in this entry, i feel it is important for me to state that i am in no way saying that i am not appreciative or don't value the few friendships i have in my life at this time. as i've stated before though, all of those relationships are very remote and with the added dynamic of their lives getting ever more busy and/or their having issues of their own to deal with, it gets quite lonely here at times. i think a better way to illustrate this experience is to share a brief story that i read in a book many years ago that dealt with the theme of god's love for us and ours for others.

 the author tells a story of this one late night when a terrible thunderstorm is taking place -- the kind where lightning seems to illuminate fully even the darkest of night skies and the thunder is so loud that it feels as if it's going to rock your home off the moors of its foundation. after one such thunder burst, the author's young daughter come running in and jumps into bed with her parents, saying she's scared and that she wants to stay with them. the author immediately shares with her that there is no need to be scared, that god is always with her, and god will be there to protect her and keep her safe. the author says that his daughter paused for a contemplative moment and then shared, "i need something with skin on."

so if you have someone with skin on looking for friend to love and be loved by, please send him my way.

someone  - linda eder (ft. michael feinstein)

speaking of beautiful songs

here's another blog song for the day. it's from the same album as the one i posted previously. i share it if for no other reason that if you have not heard it before, you simply must! the lyrics, the music, and the vocal performance are sublime. the fact that i cried throughout should tell you something about both how beautiful the song is and my current emotional state. i hope if you shed a tear or two as well that it is due solely to your being moved by this wonderful song.

meadowlark - sarah brighten

dream-less

given the vivid and lengthy description of my dream from monday night in yesterday's entry, the title of today's blog segment must seem like an odd choice and i would agree if it were referring to the kind of dreams that take place when we are asleep. instead the dreams of this title refer to our highest goals and aspirations -- those things that we long and hope to achieve someday.

this week i've been attempting to put some long held off chores to bed. as i may have mentioned previously, when undertaking such activities i like to have music playing in the background. yesterday, i heard a song that was about following your dreams and i was brought up short by the realization that when attempting to think of what dreams i may have, nothing came to mind. upon deeper reflection i realized that my inability to come up with a "dream" was actually do the fact that i've lost my belief in the power of dreams.

the various disappointments of recent life, particularly as they seem to be echoes of past hurts, appear to have been the coup de grâce to my capability to hope for more in life or even to trust that there is a better place ahead on my life's journey. it's strange to be in this place when i used to be someone who was filled with nothing but dreams -- dreams of having a meaningful career, dreams of close and lasting friendships, dreams of finding love, and dreams of having a sense of place and belonging in the world. without these dreams i feel beyond lost and empty.

i heard another song today about dreamers. this is the song i share today. it describes various types of dreamers when i first heard this song probably some 20 years or so ago (and it was this version that was my introduction to it), there was a particular "type" referred to in the lyrics that always used to bring a pang of sadness and the thought of, "how sad and unfortunate" to mind. little did i know that i would someday be that very type of dreamer. listen for it. you will know it when you hear it.

dreamers - sarah brightman

an experience i can relate to

i awoke today with my depression descended upon me like a heavy fog. as i pondered, yet again, all of the issues that have been concerning me of late and the shadows of despair danced around me,  the opening lyrics of this song drifted into my consciousness.

in reading the wikipedia entry about it, i learned that, interestingly enough, the song was released in the same year that i was born. i'm not meaning to imply that it was written for me, but i can't help but wonder if there was some hint of melancholy that year that both made this song so popular and may have attached itself to my soul -- a prevailing sadness that has held on tenaciously to me ever since.

in that same wikipedia entry was this commentary, "garfunkel once summed up the song's meaning as "the inability of people to communicate with each other . . . especially emotionally, so what you see around you are people unable to love each other." so while not especially written for me, it certainly expresses an experience i definitely can relate to.

the sound of silence - simon and garfunkel

p.s. in case some of you are wondering about the title i've used, here's another quote (and a bit of trivia) from wikipedia that serves as an explanation, "originally titled 'the sounds of silence" on wednesday morning, 3 a.m. as well as on the single release and sounds of silence album, the song was retitled for later compilations beginning with simon and garfunkel's greatest hits." so now you know.

thoughts and dreams from a troubled mind

this is going to be a long one, so be prepared.

sunday was pretty much of an up and down day for me emotionally. unfortunately, these days the pattern is great troughs of depression that periodically will yield to plateaus of mild sadness or numbness. i can't even begin to recall when the last time i experienced any moments of lasting happiness and certainly not pure, unadulterated joy. no, to use another metaphor, this journey has been conducted under grey skies of various degrees of darkness and rain that has alternated between slight drizzle to earth shattering thunderstorms.

yesterday, i moved in and out of periods of feeling both isolation and alienation. the fact that much of this occurred even with online conversations taking place with my few friends, all of whom are in remote locations from me, is certainly concerning. i continue to feel that my depression separates me from even those who care about me. i think the most challenging aspect is not being able to comply with their hopes and desires for me to be happy despite the best efforts i can muster. with each suggestion, there is an internal reaction of "if i felt able to do that i would." an analogy i've often used about this particular experience is feeling as if you are being asked to run a marathon with a broken leg. in recent experience it feels more like both legs are broken and i'm being asked to run around the earth.

the other pervasive aspect in this latest manifestation of my depression is one that i've shared in recent days -- the growing sense that my life has no point or meaning and as such does my life really matter. i shared this feeling with a friend last night and the lack of engagement on his part that i perceived made the feeling even more acute. to be fair, he was busy getting ready to depart on a trip, a fact that was unbeknown to me when i initiated the sharing of how i was feeling. if i had known i would never have shared something so personal or made myself so vulnerable. you can't unpack or explore a matter that is so sensitive when the other person's focus is elsewhere. and yet try as i might to be rational, i still struggle with the perspective that in the case of this individual in particular, he's pretty much done with engaging me on the topic. cue the feeling that my life doesn't really matter.

i'll close today's entry by sharing a very vivid dream i had last night. it was one of those continuous dreams that i imagine must have lasted through much of the night.

the basic plotline was that i was dealing with some physical ailment related to my knee. the surgeon who operated on my knee cut open the side of me and inserted a small disc that had the shape and consistency of one of those toilet cleaning tablets (i had the impression that this was some form of medication). the strange thing was he inserted it in such a way that it was only partially inserted so that the remainder of the disc was visible with my skin stretched around it. i think it's important to share that i was awake during the entire operation, and i could see the doctor was struggling to push the disc into place. after much effort, he seemed to reach a point where he just accepted that this was as far as he was going to be able to get.

when i got back to my room i started messing with the disc, attempting to push it fully beneath my skin. i took what i had observed and came to the conclusion that the intention of the surgery was to place the disk entirely beneath the skin. "surely," i thought, "being placed fully beneath my skin would allow the medicine to work more effectively." i did manage to push the disc completely under my skin with the stretched skin coming completely back into place over it such that all you could see was a small "x" shaped incision.

later, i was visited by another doctor who was followed by a group of three residents. she shared that they were going to be looking at my blood work later and would soon return to give me the results. as the time came for learning my results, only the residents returned to my room. they indicated that the doctor would be arriving soon, and she would be giving my full results. unfortunately,  one of them continued that the results did not look good. at that point, a young female resident started crying and blurted out that the doctor said that my white blood cell count was low and a whole bunch of other medical mumbo jumbo. when i asked her what all of that meant, she gave me a worried look and stated that the doctor said that i was dying. the way she said it made me realize whatever i had was killing me, that the process was irreversible and that my remaining days on this earth were finite.

"it's strange to have been pondering whether i wanted to die for so long," i thought to myself, "and yet when the reality of it arrives i am still upset by the revelation." i also wondered if my messing with the disc had caused whatever this fatal condition was to develop.

the doctor never did arrive and so i remember getting up and walking through the vast academic medical center complex to find her. i did stumble across the surgeon, but as i tried to engage him in conversation, he told me he needed to get to an important surgery and wasn't able to discuss the matter with me. i would need to find the other doctor to learn more, and off he rushed, leaving me feeling alone and scared. after a few more minutes of searching, i saw the doctor for whom i had been searching pass by me surrounded by a group of med students. they were heading into one of those huge amphitheater style classrooms. i followed them in and attempted to get her attention. she saw me but before i could start speaking, one of the students jumped between us and began asking questions about some topic that they were currently studying. by the time that conversation finished, the doctor told me she had to start class and she would be available at 2 p.m. to speak with me about my results.

that discussion never took place. not because the doctor never showed up at my room but because i woke up before she could do so.

upon awaking i had one of those, "what was all that?" feelings that you have after a particularly long, complex and highly detailed dream. here's my attempt at interpreting the dream's meaning.

i believe that the disease that was killing was a metaphor for my depression, which i have often felt and commented upon about the belief is going to lead to my death.

the struggle that the doctor was experiencing in treating me could represent both my time in psychotherapy and this period of trying to find the right medications. the attempts have been made but neither have seemed to have their intended effect.

the thought that i somehow was the cause of this illness likely arises from two perspectives. the first is the pervasive feeling that has developed that people may be blaming me for my condition; this feeling comes from my reaction to their (well-meant) suggestions for how to improve my condition. the second potential meaning comes from an unfortunate perspective gained from my evangelical christian upbringing. it is simply that some actions will cause god to turn away from us to fend for ourselves in a hostile world. in this case,  the pushing of the medication under my skin would represent my acceptance of being gay as a natural aspect of who i am (i recently shared with my doctor that i had discussed my depression with my mother because i expected her reaction would be that i was sick as a result of my "lifestyle" causing god to "remove his hand of protection over my life.").

lastly, my running around to find my doctors only to find they were too busy with their own responsibilities seems to symbolize this feeling that the few friends i have aren't able to be there for me in the way that i feel i need. it seems that while i may have a few moments with them, ultimately, they leave and i feel left to struggle with my illness on my own.

there may be even more to all of it, but those are the immediate thoughts i have as i try to make some sense of what i dreamt last night. it actually would have been nice to have dreamt of a better life, but i suppose that's not a belief within me that even my subconscious mind could find.

as i was concluding this entry, the following song came to mind as the most appropriate. it's an oldie but it's haunting music and lyrics have resonated with me ever since i first heard it.

these dreams - heart

it never leaves us

i decided to try to clean up a little bit around the house this morning. as is my habit at the outset of such chores, i started searching for some appropriate background music to accompany my activities. in so doing, i came across the album from which this entry's selected song comes. it had been quite a bit of time since i'd heard this particular collection of songs and thought it would be nice to become reacquainted with it while doing my best to make a dent into the messiness that has grown around me.

when this particular song came on, a song that i suspect was envisioned as speaking to young children (if it's title is any indicator), i found my heart strongly moved by the promises contained with it. it was at the moment that my heart connected with the deep longing that the song evoked that i thought to myself, "it never really does ever leave us, this desire for a love that will last for all time, does it?"

so here is a song for both young and older. may this heart's desire be fulfilled in all of us.

lullaby - dixie chicks