returning to a familiar place

listening to the if/then cast recording for the first time in awhile. sharing these songs again because it amazes me how deeply they speak to and resonate with who i am. hope it makes sense, and if not, then at least i hope that you enjoy the music:

who i am

what i've missed

who i hope to find (or find me)

how i hope i will respond if we do

what i hope to realize

who i hope to become

as natural as breathing

if you've ever taken a basic biology course, you're familiar with the systems of the body -- nervous, respiratory, skeletal, circulatory and so on. if you've had further study in the workings of the human body then you likely know that one part of the nervous system is called the autonomic system and that it governs all the bodily functions that don't require conscious thought -- breathing, heart beating, blinking. etc. lately, it feels that another part of my autonomic system is the tendency, as a friend once shared with me, to think of 100 different reasons for any circumstance and to always choose the worst one, particularly as it relates to how i feel about myself. it's funny because it's thoughts about my relationship with this same friend that has brought this unfortunate habit very much to the forefront.

you see it's been several days since my last interaction with this friend. that may not seem so unusual to some but we've developed a routine in which we send at least a hello text on a daily basis. there may be a day or two lapse, but it's been quite some time since we've gone this long without any contact. as a result, unfortunately, my autonomic response has kicked in with the myriad of reasons why.  these reasons range from the logical ["he's busy enjoying his vacation," he's getting much needed rest," "his phone's not working or broken (this has actually happened before)"] to the dire ["he's terribly sick," "he's been in an accident," "his girlfriend broke up with him and he's too depressed to talk"] to the ridiculous ["his gf murdered him," "he's in jail," "he's run off to be a monk (this also has actually happened in my life with another friend but he did at least tell me that was in his plans before doing so)."] and as is also all too often the case, the reasons i keep coming back to and accepting are the ones that have to do with my own failings and shortcomings -- "i've said or done something to offend him," "he can't deal with my depression any longer," "i'm not desirable as a friend," and that good old standby, "when it comes to men in my life, eventually, they just leave, especially those i care for the most."

i think the saddest part of this all is my realization that i no longer have the ability to fight against these thoughts. the events of the past few months joined with the struggles of the past year-plus have left me feeling so broken of heart, mind, and spirit that i just can't sustain a belief that he really wants to continue to be friends with me. for a long time, i felt as if his life was too full for me to have any real part of and that i kept intruding where i didn't really have a place. i got to a good place over time of having some confidence in the relationship. then something happened a few weeks ago that kind of shattered the picture i had of this friendship and i have been struggling (and failing) to put the pieces back together again ever since.

i'm not sure about any of you, but there have been a few periods in my life where everything has felt so broken that i could not conceive of anything being good or right or whole again. i am deep in one of those times right now -- in some ways deeper than i have ever been. it's not just about this particular friendship. there are so many, many other issues, and yet, with this particular friendship, i am now as lost and unclear of what to do or what will happen as i have been about so much of late.

it's really a shame too because i really like this guy and i could certainly use a friend about now.

feeling forgotten

i'm out of town about to start the final day of a three day meeting. it continues to be a strange time in my life. this sense of not having a discernible presence in the world lingers. as each day has passed, it has felt as if i have been forgotten by many i have known.

i've shared many times in this blog that i've  never felt entirely at home or welcomed in this world. now it is a feeling that i am so alien to everything, so isolated, so unknown that if the world were the human body i would expect antibodies to attack me as a result of not recognizing my place as a part of the natural ecosystem.

even worse than feeling forgotten about the world around me is that i am forgetting myself. i am losing the sense of what makes me, well me. what am i doing here? what difference am i supposed to be making in the world? what do i really have to contribute? why do or even would people care about who i am? why would anyone love me?

so many questions and the answers are not coming. they're just not.

how much more?

in the quiet spaces of this weekend, which would pretty much be the entirety of this weekend, i've noticed that my breathing pattern has been somewhat slow and labored. it is as if the heaviness of my heart is weighing down my chest cavity, making its expansion and contraction that much more challenging.

in the times i've experienced this level of depression, i've always been amazed by how truly difficult emotional pain can be. i think people often feel that if you're in this state all you really need to do is to find a distraction -- go to a movie, read a book, listen to some music, go for a walk, call up a friend, indulge in a new hobby, have sex (or its reasonable facsimile), redecorate your home, and so on, and so on.

what not many people realize is that just as with my labored breathing, depression tends to weigh down everything. everything becomes a monumental undertaking such that even if you can motivate yourself to do any of those activities, they are difficult to sustain because of lack of focus or energy or both. plus, if my experience is any indication, your enjoyment of them is not nearly as complete as when you feel whole and healthy.

for me, in any given week, i have like a window of productive space. my mind is clear enough, my enthusiasm strong enough, my energy level high enough that i can get things done. depending on how my brain chemistry is working in that particular week and the number of frustrations, disappointments or unexpected "surprises" that have happened, that window can be as long as a few days or as short as a few hours over the course of the entire week. it's not the greatest way to live a life, but i'm trying.

it would help if i had a belief that life will be better than this someday -- that work will yield accomplishment as well as effort, that friends who are engaged and physically present will be plentiful, and that, as i continue to wander lost and alone in these dark woods, love will come find me  and help me to find my way home. it would help even more if any elements of that belief were reality.

i guess it really shouldn't be so surprising that this kind of hope eludes me. i mean, after all, how much more can a heavy heart and a broken spirit really be expected to carry?