but that one

this past wednesday was my birthday. interestingly enough, it was that once every several years phenomenon that not only was it the date of the anniversary of my birth but also the actual day of the week on which i was born.

it was the typical birthday, i.e., pretty much a non-event. i received various well wishes from work colleagues and some friends from different locations both here and abroad. i then spent an evening alone, contemplating that i am so lacking of love and companionship in my life.

every year people ask me if i'm doing something special to celebrate, and every year i've had to say, "not really," knowing that is only a partial answer. the full answer is that i am not celebrating because i have no one with whom to do that.

there is always this particularly painful realization i have when a birthday comes around. it is that there is no one who has it as his concern to help make my birthday a special event. there is no one who feels that on january 13, he will be present to ensure that this day will be memorable and cherished.

this year a friend forgot my birthday. it hurt (and continues to do so in this short period after) very much. i think this acute pain stems from the fact that, in the time i've known this person, i have purposed to reach out to him with birthday greetings and even a small gift. i do this not because it is what one does on a birthday. i do it because i want him to know he is a special person -- not just to me but to the world at large. i want him to feel that someone knows and believes that his life matters.

and so to be forgotten in this way brings into full view all of the struggles of self-worth, of acceptance, of belonging, of significance that i have had for most of my life. and certainly while it hurts to be reminded of my deepest pain of not believing i matter, i can see that the pain is deepened further by the fact that it is this particular friend who has not acknowledged my birthday. it feels that all the intention and care and yes love that i have done my best to pour into this relationship means nothing. i give but it makes no difference to the receiver and again i am diminished.

it is a dynamic i certainly experience in my relationship with michael. it is one i fear that i will experience in my relationships with all men for the rest of my life.

it does seem unfortunate that you can have a dozen or so people extend heartfelt well-wishes to you, but it only takes that one person to nullify any effect that they may have.

this particular person used to stop by this blog on occasion, and even though i tried to be completely open with my writings, i know that when writing about the sometimes painful aspects of our friendship, i always held back a little so as not to hurt him. i feel no such obligation now, not because i have no concern about hurting him. quite the contrary. i just know that he will never see this entry or any others that may pertain to him or any other topic i may write about.

if it is not apparent this blog entry is about the same person as yesterday's entry. the day i looked up from my life to realize the friend i had was gone? my birthday. what a present to receive.

the friend i had

a few nights ago, i looked up and realized that the friend i had is gone. the problems and pains, the trials and tests, the difficulties and disappointments, the chaos and the crises of the world have taken him away from me never to return again to the "somewhere only we know" that we once shared.

the friend i had is gone, and now i must try my best to live with the man he has become. no matter how distant, how remote, how disengaged he may be from our relationship, i must live with who he is now. no matter how heartbroken and discouraged i may be, no matter how many recriminations and criticisms i hurl at myself, no matter how many "if only i were more this or less of thats" reverberate through my mind, i must find a way to accept what has come to pass.

i must accept the friend i have and pray that my belief that love does make a difference will return again.

my life in 4 minutes and 12 seconds

back to the place where i feel like my life in relationships is pretty much summed up in this one song.

is it ironic to have a birthday upcoming when you're questioning if your ever having been born is a good thing?

i am so lost.

what a fool believes - kenny loggins and michael mcdonald