soul scars

recently, my ex contacted me asking if i would provide him some financial support to help him through a difficult situation as well as set him up for being able to get a new place for him and his boyfriend. much to the likely disappointment and disapproval of friends and against my own better judgement, i agreed to provide him the requested support through the end of the year. let's just say i felt sorry for him and believed that if i could help him in a crisis i should.

interestingly enough, he began the email that contained his plea for financial support with recounting a story from fairly early in our relationship. it was a light, funny moment that we both enjoyed.

last night, i had memories of other moments when we were together march through my mind in rapid succession. none of them were of any fun times. they were memories of the stress and pain that i experienced often because of his alcohol and prescription drug abuse. with every recollection, it felt like a scar on my soul was being exposed and with each exposure, the old familiar hurts reemerged.

by the end of it all, i wondered if i would ever heal from the damage inflicted. so many years with so much pain. it's no wonder that i eventually decided that i needed to walk away. what is a wonder is why i've agreed to provide him any additional financial assistance. actually, the bigger question is why i've continued to allow him to remain in my life at all.

here's a repeat song, but i couldn't think of a more appropriate one.

that particular time - alanis morissette