i should never have looked back

so i've been experiencing a few stomach issues of late, and i'm not sure if they're stemming from something i've eaten, a side effect of new medication, reaction to life matters or a combination of some or all of the above. as a result, i'm a little behind on commenting on what's been happening in my life.

certainly, one interesting, previously uncommented upon discovery that came up this week was my finding out through facebook that michael, my ex, and his new beau are now registered domestic partners with their city hall. while not as significant as a civil union or marriage, it does declare the seriousness of their relationship. it is the exact same thing that he and i did months after we were first together to show our commitment to one another.

i wish i could say that the discovery has had no effect on me, but that would not be true. a certain amount of sadness has emerged more related to the fact that it reminds me of the lack of companionship and love that i have in my own life. it also makes me feel foolish to have tried for so long to make a relationship with michael work. if he is able to just move on so quickly and easily, i just continue to question what in the world we had in the first place. i should have never looked back when i left in 2008 and the fact that i did and the resulting wasted time of trying to reconcile feels as if it's just ruined my prospects to find a better life.

i don't know. it all still feels so messy, so impossible for the full life i want to actually come to pass. i guess there will be plenty to talk to dr. s about this week.

these things do happen from time to time

so today was an interesting day. following a night in which i got about three hours of sleep, i had what i thought was a nice breakfast of fruit and french toast. i state "i thought" because, within 15 minutes after i arrived at our regional office, my stomach decided to turn on me. the biggest problem with that turn of events was that i was slated to lead off a fifty participant, three day workshop with a three plus hour presentation. the purpose of said presentation was to provide the background and context of the work of this project and set the tone and direction for the activities to follow.

and lead off the workshop i did. as the saying goes, the show must go on and as long as i was focused on presenting my material, i felt pretty much ok. the second i would step down to allow for an exercise or discussion to take place, and i felt like i was going to be sick all over the conference room in which we were meeting.

i have to admit this was one of the more challenging presentations i've ever given. it's tough enough to speak for that extended an amount of time. it's harder still when you're not feeling your best and even more difficult when you're doing your best to not only appear as if nothing is wrong with you, but to be energetic and enthusiastic about the subject matter. i am happy to share that all went as well as i could imagine it going were i at the peak of good health and spirits. in fact, at the end of the day, as i shared with my fellow presenters/facilitators what my condition had been throughout the day, they were shocked and indicated that they could not tell that anything was amiss.

unfortunately, my stomach has not as yet rebounded, and i'm lying here in my hotel room bed sipping on a ginger ale with hopes that it will help to calm my ailing tummy enough that i might be able to have some crackers later. i haven't had anything to eat since this morning's fateful breakfast (though i'm not entirely sure it was the cause of my ailment), believing that avoiding lunch was the wisest course of action (not that i had any appetite for it at all). the thing that really sucks is that the group went out to dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants (they make an awesome fried chicken).

ah well, i should be grateful that i made it through my presentation and the day successfully and didn't end up giving the kind of memorable performance that would have made everyone lose their appetites.

picking up where i left off

well, vacation is done, and it's back to work for me. today is actually a travel day as i wing my way to one of our regional offices for a week of work. it's a two plus hour flight across two time zones. once i settle into the hotel, i plan on spending the rest of the evening going through my mountain of emails (450 at last count) and preparing for a presentation that i have to give tomorrow morning.

so two weeks of vacation and what do i have to show for it. well, i do feel rested. that's the good news. however, over the course of the weekend and upon waking this morning, i've felt a growing lack of excitement about getting back into the swing of my routine life. with that, the sad thoughts and feelings about being alone and unconvinced that that condition will change any time soon have been steadily pushing their way to the forefront of my conscious mind. it really feels as if i am just picking up where i left off prior to vacation in my less than enthusiastic take on life (not that it was the rosiest of outlooks during my time off).

and so it is back into the fray with a renewed body but a still wounded and weary spirit. not exactly the combination i had hoped for, and i have no idea what that will mean for the days ahead. i suppose we will just have to wait and see.

suffering by comparison

i had an experience today that reminded me of some of the emotional baggage i am up against as i attempt to find love and connection in this world. it happened in this wonderful chat room in which i've been participating over the last couple of weeks. the room is hosted by this truly special guy and filled with the nicest, friendliest, kindest, most interesting and supportive people you could ever want to meet. and every day even more wonderful people join in the mix.

today, a nice, friendly new guy joined in chat for the first time. as chat proceeded one of the guys commented on how attractive the new guy was, having just looked at his online profile. i decided to take a look myself and agreed with the assessment and commented as such when i returned to the room. later, as everyone was saying their goodbyes, the topic of the new guy came up with emphatically positive declarations about his attractiveness. it was at this point that i had one of my unfair and unfortunate thoughts.

it was basically something to the effect of, "well when there are guys who are like him, i.e., much younger and much better looking, who would ever be interested in me?" my heart sank with the onset of this thought and i'm sorry to report that it hasn't yet rebounded.

t think what brought the thought on was the obvious interest of guys around my age in this cute, fit, younger man. even when i was the same age as the new guy, i felt inferior and outmatched by men who looked like him. now at the threshold of fifty, with the preoccupation of gay men with youth and beauty, i feel my hopes of meeting and being with someone who will want me are unrealistic and maybe even downright foolish.

i know i'm supposed to be in the place of affirming and being kind to myself and i should dismiss such comparisons out of my conscious thought. i so wish i could. i really do. but right now, all i can see is what i'm not and that what i am is not enough.