not a one

this past week, driving home from a long day at work, i found myself reflecting on what seems to be a recurring experience in my most recent relationships with men. you see, i have a fear of rejection and abandonment when it comes to relationships with other members of my gender. it's a fear that likely stems from the fact that my father essentially abandoned me, having had no contact with me between the age of about 4 until his death when i was 14.

the recurring experience has been that, with each of these recent relationships, there has come a point when i've expressed that i have this fear of sudden, permanent loss - a breaking off of the relationship that comes from some flaw inherent in me. to a person, each guy has shared with what i believe to be true sincerity that they were not going anywhere, that they would always be there for me.

so how many of the men who have said this to me are still present in my life in any meaningful way if at all? not a one.

it's difficult to be hopeful about experiencing lasting friendship/companionship when one's track record is so perfect.

a simple statement

i had a therapy appointment recently. we talked about broken relationships. the absence of my father, who i never got to know. the distance between my mother and me that really has always existed but has been heightened by her inability to accept that i'm gay. we talked about the unfulfilled dreams of relationships past and present - sean, michael, and so many others.

and at the end of all of that, towards the completion of our session, i made one simple statement.

i wish my life had been different.

i'm not sure i've ever said anything that felt so true. it was like i looked at the landscape of my entire life and turned back around to describe how what i saw made me feel.

this simple statement continues to reverberate in my heart. actually, i think it has been for quite some time. and the sad thing is i've lost hope that it will ever end at least not until i do.