i really didn't

there is a line in the movie "out of africa," in which karen blixen (played to perfection by the incomparable meryl streep) says to her newly acquired husband, "i didn't expect to like you so much." i use the word acquired deliberately as the marriage was an arranged one. having been thrown over by her husband broar's brother, she proposes to broar that he marry her so that they can obtain the sizable dowry, which they use to buy a coffee plantation in africa.

i think of this line often when i think of a particular friendship (the ups and downs of which that have been fairly extensively covered in this blog). it is a statement that is particularly relevant to this relationship. from what began (and i expected to continue) as a very casual friendship, i've grown to have a great affection for this friend.

long-time readers of this space on the internet well know that i've struggled with to what degree (if any) he feels the same about me. we are in a challenging space right now where the dynamic of regular communication has pretty much ceased and the question of when (or if) i will ever see him again looms large.

i question to what degree is this about him, i.e., is it the busyness of his life or have his feelings about wanting to be engaged in the friendship to any appreciable degree changed, or is it about me, i.e., have i done something to cause him to rethink the friendship or is it just my overall depressed state that he no longer wants to deal with. i don't know. in the few times we have had contact recently, and i've made these inquiries, he's stated that none of these conditions are the case and that he's just busy dealing with his own stuff. as i've said though numerous times before, none of the dynamics i've just shared may be true, but they sure do feel true, given my friend's changed behavior towards me.

i was thinking the other day that none of this questioning and resulting emotional pain would be present if i liked him less; however, that is not the case and i will try to do my best to manage how i feel and how i engage in the relationship. i often wish that we lived closer as i think that would help a great deal with managing these issues, but again that wish is likely not to be fulfilled and even it were, i may be entirely mistaken that anything would be different at all (cue the "is it about" statements stated in the paragraph above).

the song for today is one that i shared with my friend about a year ago. it is still true and still very much heartfelt.

i didn't expect to like "s" so much. i really didn't.

song for you far away - james taylor

more pills

yesterday, i had my periodic check-up with my psychiatrist. the purpose of these visits is to see if the latest round of antidepressant medication is working or not. over the past year plus that i have been seeing him, we've seen more failure than success, and certainly nothing we have tried has made a difference over any extended period of time. such was the case on this visit, as i reported that medication try number four seemed almost entirely ineffective.

after the usual conversation regarding what exactly i had been experiencing, he came to his planned course of action, which was to double the dosage of my current medication and to add another medication (number five for those keeping score) on top of it. he explained to me, as he always does, how the new medication works and what side effects i might experience. as he was documenting the new treatment plan in my file, he also shared with me that if this didn't work, what his ideas were for medication attempts number six and seven. he concluded with the statement, "we have not yet begun to fight," i suppose as a means of encouragement.

but see, that's the thing. i have been fighting. for the better part of two years, i have been in a battle with my mind and emotions and my soul is so very, very weary from it all. i am beyond discouraged and keep wondering why i am even bothering to continue with treatment. "nothing is working" keeps being repeated over and over again in my mind and my heart breaks even more and my spirit sinks lower and lower.

at this point, i have my white flag at the ready and i'm prepared to draw up terms of surrender.

more about fathers

here's another song related to the expressions of loving behavior of a father and particularly on how that behavior impacts the future life of the child (and how the lack of such expressions can influence as well). the only thing i would add is that these words of advice are not only true for guiding princesses (some of us princes would like to find a loving prince as well).

princes familiar - alanis morissette

desiring deep connection

in what often feels for me like a cold and lonely world, i keep wondering why it seems to be too much to ask to have someone with whom i have a deep connection consistently and eminently present in my life. it is a desire that continues to go unfulfilled, and it makes every day a bleak experience.

i was hoping - alanis morissette