still searching, still longing

the song below is one that i just got finished listening to as i was taking a hot soak in a mineral salts infused bath. as the song started for some reason it hit me that i first heard this song 15 years ago shortly after i had come out as a gay man (it also occurred to me that this year was my 15th anniversary of said event. perhaps i realized that at some other point in the year but have no recollection of that happening). i found the cd the song is on in the sales bin of a local book/music store that i used to frequent (and which has long since closed).

i have listened to this song so many times over the years. i've even posted it on this blog a time or two. it is a song that expresses the most fundamental of desires that of love and faithful companionship in a truly eloquent way. listening to it while immersed in warm bath water, i thought back to those times i first listened to those songs. newly accepting of my sexual identity, i listened and longed that what was being expressed would come true in my life -- that now that i was clear on who i was, i would finally be able to find that "real thing." 15 years ago there was, yes, so much longing but there was hope that it could happen.

i wonder how i would have felt if i knew that 15 years hence that i would still be searching and that all i would have to show for my hoping was a failed long-term relationship that brought more sorrow into my life than support, more hurt than healing, and more pain than love? what would my response have been to the fact that 15 years later i would be alone in a new city with no prospects for much happiness ahead?

i guess life felt that the part of the song i deserved was "nothing at all." i guess the search is over.

real thing - bobby caldwell

what will be left?

i'm not sure if i've had a more stressful week in the three plus years i've been in this organization. i've lost count of the number of times my blood pressure has risen over the countless ridiculous things that have happened as we've tried to plan for and conduct an orderly approach to the workforce reduction. the fact that most people seem to be in some other frame of mind, blissfully unconcerned, disengaged, uncaring or all of the above about the major action that is about to take place does little to help my level of frustration.

it would be so helpful to be able to leave work and just relax. unfortunately, i continue to struggle with the same set of emotional problems that have plagued me all year.

i keep wondering how much of me will be left to give by the end of the year. it already feels that what is today is not enough.

an endless stream

last night i had another confrontation with myself. all of the sadness, all of the doubts, all of the self-esteem issues, all of the fears poured out of me again in a steady, endless stream. it was an exhausting experience, and today all i feel is spent. i need some kind of relief and soon.

the definition of fatalistic

this weekend has been a difficult one. as i retire to my bed and approach sleep, i am haunted by what i see when i survey the past, present, and future of my life's journey. it feels as if behind me there is this road filled with disappointments. around me is this ever present forest of despair and isolation. and ahead of me is a seemingly endless road of unfulfilled desires and an empty, barren life.

i don't even have the words to adequately describe how i am feeling at this moment. what's even sadder is the feeling that i have of why bother to attempt to articulate it. what difference does it make? who even cares anymore? no one really sees me in this darkened corner i inhabit. no one really hears me and certainly no one understands me and what i have been through and am experiencing. no on ever has and no one ever will.