opening up again

so today is my first therapy session in about three weeks, and i have to admit i'm a bit, well more that a bit, apprehensive about it. it will be the first time that i've unpacked what i've been thinking, feeling, experiencing over that time. while it's true that i've had at least a few times of reflection these past several days, there's something about speaking the experiences aloud that makes them so much more real and affecting. i liken it to pulling everything out of junk closet in which you've been tossing various items. it's only when you see the items on full display that you have a real sense of all that's accumulated and that recognition often yields some kind of emotional reaction (usually, in my case, something akin to "how in the world did i get all this crap?"). and so it is with the unpacking of emotional baggage.

i know i will be focusing on this current emotional neutral zone that i find myself in, and though part of me hopes that the discussion will yield at least some degree of perspective on the situation, i just don't know if i'm ready for the emotional fall-out that may result from any revelations that occur. i guess that though this "emotional way station" is not where i want to remain for too long, i don't want to replace it with going back to the place of the severe depression and emotional vulnerability that preceded it.

interestingly enough, this issue of opening up again for therapy is a microcosm of the larger challenge of my being willing to open myself up again to new relationships. each has the risk and potential of my being hurt anew. but, even so, each is necessary if i am going to move on to a better, happier place with the companionship and connection i desire.

so here we go. reflection on the aftermath in the days to come (or is that really a redundant statement?).

the absence of sadness

i'm not really sure why this current emotional state i'm in is bothering me so much. after all, in comparison to the significant pain i was experiencing on a daily basis in the not at all distant past, my present condition could be viewed as a great improvement. still, as i am certainly learning, the absence of sadness doesn't really equate to being happy. and happy is the place i would definitely someday like to be.

i guess the fact that i've somehow gotten to the place that i have without a clear understanding of the how it happened coupled with the fact that i have no clue of when, how, or if i will get to the place i desire to be is what makes all of this so perplexing and disconcerting. and it feels like there is so much i have to accomplish and having to face it all alone is just not what i hoped for at this stage of my life.

i really need to find something else to write about. wouldn't it be great if life provided that something else (in a positive way) to do so?

neither hopeful or hopeless

the title of today's blog entry was a thought that came to me about mid-day yesterday. i was reflecting on my current emotional state that i had written about in yesterday's entry and comparing it to how i've felt for much of this year. through that contemplative moment i recognized that while i could not exactly say that i felt any renewed or greater sense of optimism for how my life would develop nor did i feel the great pessimism about any chance that my life could get better and become more of what i would want it to be.

this state of being in a "hope neutral zone" is frankly more than a bit strange. i can't really identify a time in my life in which i've ever felt like this, and that's saying quite a bit for a man just this side of 50. while i am appreciative of not having the dark thoughts and deep despair that have plagued me for much of this year, i have to admit it doesn't necessarily feel great that i also don't have a sense of any joy or even satisfaction with my life as it stands now nor any abiding belief in if or how it might change for the better.

i guess what's most disconcerting, as i sit in this kind of emotional way station, is the lack of certainty of where my mood will go from here. am i moving toward a constant improvement in my outlook on life and thereby gaining greater confidence in my ability to affect positive change in my life condition or am i just going to tumble back down into the same pit of doubt and despair from whence i've emerged? and what events may transpire in the days and weeks ahead that will determine in which direction i go? will god and the universe be with me and send opportunities for companionship and support my way or will i experience deeper rejection and reminders of how isolated and apart i have felt from all the rich relationships that i so need in my life?

if there is one thing that i am convinced of, it's that i am quite capable of generating a lot of questions about life. if only answering these seeming riddles were more of my forte.

drowning in apathy

it's monday. i'm back in my office after a week at one of our regional offices and two weeks of vacation. i have a day full of back-to-back meetings (starting in about 15 minutes) and i don't really care much about a single one of them. the apathy that i feel around me is so thick i could drown in it and in doing so wouldn't really care much that it's happening.

not sure what's going on but i suspect it has to do with the continued underlying feeling that life is not as i would like it to be. maybe, it's resulting from the fact that i've finally been able to let go of the expectations of what i would like to be in a certain relationship and while i believe that has been good for that one relationship, the loss and resulting absence of that hope probably has not been very good for my overall outlook on life.

it's like the letting go of the one thing but having nothing to take its place leaves my life just feeling a bit more empty and incomplete. maybe suspecting this would happen is the reason why it took me so long to let go in the first place.

but let go i have. and here i sit. feeling a little lost. wanting and waiting to be found. wondering how a life that feels so empty can ever be full again.