another evening message

so it's been an interesting day of cleaning and reflecting. the results of the latter i'll share in tomorrow's entry (working title: missing someone (and not)). in the meantime, i'm sharing a song that's been playing constantly today. it's from the same album as last night's selection and i have a feeling that i will be wearing a digital groove into this particular selection over the next several days (if not weeks). i will leave to another day exploring the psychology of the fact that i seem to be finding my greatest emotional outlet from twenty-something female singer songwriters (go here for another example -- what the hell). plus, after today's thoughts (again, more tomorrow) i think this song is as much a reminder to my future self as it is an expression of my current feelings on the topic.

we are never ever getting back together -- taylor swift

when the going gets tough, the tough get ... cleaning?

i'm sure that there are as many varied ways of coping with depression as there are people on the planet. as for me, it seems a tried and true approach is to start cleaning and organizing. i've been doing that since i was a kid really. and generally such an exercise provides a bit of a lift to my mood.

now i'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that, as a result of my depressed state, my environs get a bit messy and disorderly (well, maybe more than a bit). it's pretty much an external manifestation of an internal reality. the disarray in my external environment is a fitting living metaphor for the messiness that my heart is experiencing. at least until a certain point when i can stand the chaos no longer and have to do something about it.

i've always suspected (and i'm assure the astute readers of this blog are already ahead of me on this) that motivation stems from my subconscious mind prodding me along to bring order to my life in some way. if i can't bring resolution to the state of affairs that have brought on the depression (which are usually too complex to be immediately fixed by the use of a dust rag, vacuum cleaner, and some closet organizers), i can at least address the piles of clothes, dirty dishes in the sink, stacks of books/magazines/doll boxes/etc., and inch thick coating of dust that have accumulated throughout my humble abode.

so if you will excuse me, i have some more external manifestation addressing to do. hopefully, it will bring about that boost to my spirits that i desperately need. it would be nicer still if there were a way to get a heartbreak repairer or love life restorer at organized living and i could get a service to do the cleaning.

ah, youth

i sure could use one of those nights right now. who's with me?

22 - taylor swift

this is going to be harder than i thought

this was the thought that came to me last night as i wrestled with thoughts of loneliness and isolation last night. even though yesterday started off with my being in a fairly good mood, by the end of the day, i was back in the familiar territory of melancholia. while i can't say i'm entirely surprised that this was the case, given my current state of affairs, recognizing that what i'm going through is likely normal following a break-up has been little consolation.

one would think that, given this is my third time going through this (groan), it would be at least a bit easier. one would think that and clearly one would be wrong. it's just as difficult this time as it has been in the past.  the feelings of loss and failure, the guilt about hurting michael yet again, the concern that i will be alone for the rest of my life, well, they are all present and accounted for. add to that the additional complication of feeling further estranged from my less than supportive mother (her response "i had hoped" to my query of "you didn't expect to me to be alone for the rest of my life did you?" keeps replaying in my mind) and it is indeed making for a challenging time.

i keep telling myself that i just need to make it through the holidays, and it will get easier. unfortunately, at this point at least, i'm not being very convincing

gobble, gobble y'all

and it's thanksgiving day once again. now the ironic thing about the title of today's entry is that my menu has cornish game hen as the main attraction, but since i don't know what sounds that bird makes (cluck?) i thought it best to go with tradition.

it's pretty much a solo holiday for me, and, much to my surprise, i'm actually more ok with that today than i thought i was going to be (then again the day is still young). i imagine there will be several emotional ups and downs over the course of this holiday season. i hope it will be more of the former than the latter, but i would have to admit i'm not entirely optimistic about that (i know that shocks the long-time readers of this blog).

right now i'm camped in front of the tv, watching the macy's thanksgiving parade as i have pretty much every year of my existence on this planet (once even in person at age four or five when my grandmother took me and my cousin to see it). i'm not sure that there is a time i miss new york city (though i haven't lived there since i was 11) as when i'm watching the parade.

as many of you likely know, in addition to floats, ginormous balloons, and marching bands the telecast features selected performances from various broadway musicals. a great sign of how far we've come as a culture than the fact that the first featured musical was kinky boots. true it won this year's tony for best musical but given the fact that it features the oh so talented billy porter (a tony winner himself for this musical) in the role of the transgendered character lola, well, i don't think we have to go back too far to think of a time that inclusion of such a production would have been unthinkable.

it's wonderful to see progress, however small, being made. it gives one at least some hope that positive changes are still possible. happy thanksgiving everyone!

what had happened was . . .

so i've chosen a slightly humorous title (those familiar with the usage of this phrase will get more of a chuckle obviously than those who are not) for today's blog entry because it's likely to be the only aspect of today's writing that will be even remotely funny. as i shared yesterday, today's entry is going to be an examination of the factors that led to this third and (absolutely) final break-up with michael (i'm still cringing every time i acknowledge that fact. maybe some behavior modification will change that. do they still do electro-shock therapy? ok, maybe the title won't be my only attempt at humor. back to the post-mortem on my relationship).

i would have to say the lead up to the end really started this summer. after several months of michael expressing his dissatisfaction with the long distance relationship (i need to stop and point out here that one of the conditions of our getting back together was that he had an understanding that the situation wasn't going to change for a minimum of five to seven years, so of course, within about two months of our getting back together, he was complaining about it. end of aside), michael shares with me that he is thinking about resigning from his position at the university. now, this news comes as a bit of a surprise to me as, even though he's not been happy in his job for pretty much the entire twelve years i've known him, he has consistently stated that he doesn't see how he is fit to do anything else, believing he would be consigned forever to the work category of mcdonald's team member or wal-mart greeter should he leave (at the time, i believed (note the tense) differently. more on this later).

we discussed the pros and cons with my being supportive of the idea of his leaving and moving to denver to be with me, yet, knowing what we will refer to as michael's "impulsive nature," i cautioned that he should likely go back to work for the fall semester (he had been on sabbatical) and see how he felt at that time. if he still wanted to resign, he could do so with an effective date at the end of the following semester, and we would then make arrangements for his moving out here. that was the plan.

so what happened? well, of course, two days later he called me saying that he had just spoken with the department chair and had made plans for resigning his position effective at the end of the fall semester (when i questioned him about the change in the plan, his reaction was "what? you said you were supportive of the idea. michael had somehow missed the part preceding the yet in the first sentence of the previous paragraph. either that or the hallucinogenics that i've never taken and am in sore need of now kicked in. ok, for those keeping score at home, that's the third humor attempt).

now, the resignation was contingent on certain conditions -- one of which was that he would be granted an "emeritus" status that would essentially give him certain privileges, e.g., the ability to teach a course every so often. i viewed it as a nice way that he could leave but still feel connected and that his hard work to gain tenure was not for naught. little did i know at the time how significant this "nice way" really was.

so michael and tillie came to denver in august for about a month long. it was nice to see them and be reunited as a family for an extended period. a few days into the visit, michael got an email stating that according to the provost's office, he wouldn't be eligible for emeritus status as that designation was only conferred on retiring faculty. since he was resigning rather than retiring (early retirement is age 55), it wasn't going to happen. this rapidly sent michael into a depressed state. it did not help that the entire time from resignation to the summer visit in denver, he had continued to express doubts about his ability to find gainful, meaningful employment.

after several conversations over the course of his visit, it became obvious that michael was not ready to leave his position and that the best course of action would be to see if he could rescind his resignation we would then revisit whether he wanted to stay in the job on a year by year basis. this time things went according to my understanding of the plan. the department chair accepted the rescission and michael was again a full associate professor with all the rights and privileges granted there unto. problem solved.

wrong. i've come to realize that this event was the breaking point for my relationship with michael. you see, the long distance relationship was beginning to wear at me both physically and emotionally. the many nights alone here, the many trips back and forth, which i bore the greater share of (michael has only made two trips to denver whereas i was travelling to st. louis on average about twice a month). ultimately, what was truly sustaining the relationship was my willingness to continue to live according to that pattern, my ability to endure the separation, and my belief that michael might be able to leave the university, move here, and move on to something else. over the months that followed, the spirit of willingness dissipated.

i was exhausted (burnt-out really) from the pressures of the travel (combined with the intensity of my job it became too much). i started to hate being alone (which, in all honesty, started to be a condition i felt whether i was apart from or with michael), and i lost all faith that michael would be able to do anything but the job in which he was currently employed. the cumulative effects of these factors sent me spiraling into a deep depression of my own. it was about that time that i started blogging again. and from there it became increasingly clear that this relationship was not going to work.

there were other issues that i'm not going to into, but i think the pivotal point came when i asked myself the question, "is michael the guy, is this the relationship that is worth living in this way?" and as sweet and kind as michael may be, the answer was clearly "no." truth be told i am in a place now that i'm questioning why i ever went back across that bridge in 2010. while good at times, my relationship with michael has always been pretty dysfunctional. i was done and had closure when we broke up in 2008. yes, i have explanations about how and why each reconciliation happened but they really, really, really shouldn't have. so i'm now hoping that bridge is not only burned but incinerated to a point that there is not even a remotely discernible trace of a way back. i'm sure michael feels the same way.

and now it's time for some music. i promised yesterday two more songs from mr. luther vandross. yesterday's songs were about emotions with respect to love. some i experienced to a certain degree with michael. many i desired but never quite reached. today's songs fit the circumstances of our relationship like the proverbial glove.

the ending of a relationship is hard. there's no way around it. and i keep learning every day new ways that i'm hurting and discovering anew the degree to which my heart is shattered. but as the last song makes clear, such endings are often necessary. may god help us both to find our way from here.

a house is not a home - luther vandross

how many times can we say goodbye - luther vandross and dionne warwick

luther on love

i had planned today's blog entry to be about another topic. you see, while i was taking a much needed hot soak in the tub last night, listening to the blog soundtrack (yes, again), i naturally started pondering my current state of affairs. this time of contemplation eventually led to my reaching an epiphany of sorts (my epiphanies seem to be of the "of sorts" variety) about the central cause of this final break-up with michael. realizing that i had not shared many specifics here on that particular topic i toweled off thinking i had my blog entry for the day.

well, delving into that subect is going to have to wait until tomorrow because later in the evening, after about time ten of listening to "after the love has gone" in a repeating loop," i thought it might be a good idea to listen to something else. so, looking through my ipod album list, i came upon a greatest hits compilation for one mr. luther vandross. now i'm almost positive that i've shared music from luther in previous entries on this blog, and in doing so, i probably shared my oft-repeated comment that i could listen to luther sing the phone book and have a great experience. at about that same time, my new friend (who henceforth i will be referring to as "sr" mainly because it's quicker to type than "my new friend") came on for an online chat.

it was an interesting time. as should have been clear from yesterday's entry, i haven't exactly been in the best place emotionally, specifically regarding the topic of love and relationship. and as those of you who are familiar with the music catalog of mr. vandross are aware, his most popular songs tend to deal with love and relationship. it would therefore be reasonable reaction on your part to question my judgement in picking his "greatest hits" album as my evening's musical accompaniment.

during the course of the chat with sr, it became clear that love and i are in an uneasy dance. i do still recognize the importance it has in all of our lives and the vital role it plays in making our world a better place. i admire those who can make it work in the form of long-term, intimate relationship. i am also still troubled by how it has tended to manifest in my life, and i truly believe that my obsessive fixation on having said long-term, intimate relationship resulted in my going back to a relationship that was not at all right for me not once but twice (resulting in having to break off that relationship not once, not twice, but three f**king times!). as the old joke goes, in my case at least, love is not only sight-impaired but apparently hearing- and speech-impaired as well (actually, this is my pc update of the old joke).

yet, as is also clear from yesterday's blog entry, i am also fearful of it never manifesting again in my life in that form. still, as also previously commented on, the mere passing thought of being in a committed relationship right now makes my blood run cold. talk about your polarity management situation.

so back to luther. it is true that many of his songs are about love, but not always about the exalted, fairy tale fantasy of love. often they are about yearning, pain and complexities brought about by love. and in his voice there is always this longing quality that, based on at least some reports of his personal life, is truly understandable (i think luther may have experienced that same uneasy dance with love).

so here are my favorites of his songs on the subject. i've selected seven. i'm actually only posting five today. the other two fit more appropriately with tomorrow's blog entry, so you'll have to wait until then to get the complete set. so for now, lavish yourself in the musical stylings of the incomparable luther vandross. i hope you'll come by if not tomorrow then in the days ahead to read my next entry -- working title, "what had happened was . . . ."

don't want to be a fool

here and now

any love

there's nothing better than love

so amazing


all by luther vandross

polarity management

this is a term that i have only recently become acquainted with that, from my basic understanding, describes the situation of having to deal with the tension resulting from diametrically opposed conditions brought about by the same event or circumstance. a quick google search shows that there is a whole body of research that accompanies this concept, and i probably should delve into it more as i certainly find myself in that space on many fronts. the one front that is the focus of my attention this morning has been brought about by my ending my relationship with michael.

yesterday, i was brought into keen awareness of the diametrically opposed conditions of "relief" and "pain" brought about by the break-up. upon waking, i realized that i needed to do some grocery shopping as the cupboards were close to being bare and i wanted to buy provisions for what i term my "bachelor's thanksgiving feast" (actually, if i were doing this true bachelor style, i would just go out to eat). as i was going through the aisles, dropping item after item into my grocery cart, i suddenly had the thought of how nice it was that i was not going to have to travel to st. louis for the holiday. this first thought led to a cascade of other thoughts that could all be summarized as a realization of how good it felt that i no longer had to deal with the various dysfunctions of the relationship. it actually did feel like i had become released from a heavy anchor and was able to float free and unencumbered toward a better life. that was the morning.

early evening i came across another circumstance that resulted in a cascade of thought. this situation involved watching as various people indicated their interest in getting to know my new friend better (in the various ways that "better" can mean). it was truly a front row seat on want and desire. now i've been in this venue and situation with this same friend before, but this time, for whatever reason, the following realization came to me, "i have no one in my life who feels this way about me and the one person who at least at one time did, i have now pushed out of my life. i am utterly alone." i had to take a walk and during that time, listening to the soundtrack from this blog blaring through my ipod earphones, it actually did feel like i had become released from a trusted anchor and was floating completely isolated toward a frightening future bereft of love and intimacy. cue another emotional sinkhole.

and here i sit at the bottom, beginning what i described in a text to the same friend as a "blessedly short work week" broken-hearted and dreading the upcoming holiday season (cause there's nothing like thanksgiving/christmas/new year's to make someone who already feels alone to see that they are totally, completely, truly alone). during that same walk, i remember asking god why wanting to be happy and loved seemed like such a tall order. i didn't get much of a response. then later i asked myself, "why do i keep fucking up my holidays? no scratch that. why do i keep fucking up my life?" no answer there either. just silence.

something extra

i was taking a walk and this song came on. it seemed to be the perfect companion piece to this morning's entry. so i'm going a little old school y'all....

after the love has gone - earth, wind & fire

learning to live with being the villain

i've shared previously that i like to think of myself as a basically good person. it is certainly a label that i have often worked hard to maintain even if it meant sacrificing what i really wanted to say or do for the sake of meeting the expectations of others. and though i have been striving to walk to the beat of my own drummer, i have to admit the thought of anyone thinking poorly of me still makes my heart race and produces a sick feeling in my stomach.

still, there are circumstances where not being looked upon favorably can not be avoided. such is the case of the break-up. i'm not sure why, but this morning i became acutely aware of the fact that even as i make my way through this day there are people who think i am a royal class, "a" grade, number one, total, without a shadow of a doubt jerk. now there may be those who think that of me just based on my daily interactions with me (some of you readers may even be in that camp), but the ones i thought of this morning were the "fom's" (friends of michael).

in most break-up scenarios, to the outside observer, there are two roles -- the victim and the villain. naturally, the perspective one takes on which role belongs to which person depends on your relationship to the couple. more often than not, you are a closer friend to one member more than the other. as a result your friend will get your sympathy, the other your revulsion. this is particularly true when the victim is likely to do everything in his or her power to make sure that you feel absolutely correct in your determination of who is to blame for said break-up.

the advantage of having known someone for 12 years and having been through this same situation two times before (with the same person ... sigh) is that i can pretty much plot out what is happening right now. there's probably a posting on facebook about my ending the relationship followed by a scad of sympathy replies. there are many play by plays being shared in various settings with one or more participants -- all with comments like, "no, it caught me completely by surprise," "i thought things were going so well," "i can't believe he did this to me a third time," and "he really needs to seek counseling" interspersed throughout. i can see the snidely whiplash mustache being drawn across the mental image of my face by many an "fom" even as i type this entry.

what's even harder than the judgements is when you're hard pressed to find a reason that you don't deserve them. i actually feel terrible that this has happened for a third time and i'm not sure i will ever get past the guilt of that fact.

i guess the natural question to be asked is wouldn't the same dynamic be happening in reverse with my friends. truth be told i don't think so. the main reason is i think all my friends think i was stupid to go back to him for a third time (they would use nicer terms i'm sure -- well, most of them would). and again i find myself unable to disagree with such a judgement.

it's an overcast day outside. that's appropriate. it's pretty dark in my heart right now as well.