the inexplicable

this past wednesday was the third anniversary of the first time sean and i met face-to-face. this year, as in the past, i've marked this occasion with a greeting and a small gift to my friend. this year, as in the previous two, the day and the days following have more of a sense of sadness than joy.

today it hit me how strongly i've missed sean -- a feeling that has been at a particularly peak level this week. i also thought that it seemed to defy a logical explanation as to why this was the case. why is it that i still feel so strongly, that i still "kinda miss him" (to borrow a phrase that i've exchanged with sean many times over the past three years)? why is the heart pain so acute that i get teary eyed? why do i still think about him just about every day even though i haven't seen him in almost two years and the communication has been very light over this past one?

there are many times, particularly of late, that i question if this dynamic is healthy. i don't think i've ever experienced something like it in any other relationship that i've had at least not for this long of a duration of time. yet, experience it i do even though i really don't know why.

there are so many times that i feel that it seems so unfair that i can feel this way about someone who i doubt is having the same experience with respect to me. i'm not sure that he has much consideration of me between one instance when i reach out to him to say hello and the next.

i have to admit this has hit me particularly hard today -- the loneliness, the disappointment, the sense of foolishness, the feeling of not being wanted, of being insignificant to someone for whom i've developed a deep affection. all the feelings i've had at various time over the past three years revisiting me all at once.

it does all seem so inexplicable. at least it does to me today, and i'm not sure if i will ever understand it.

the day after the loss

on what is a painful day for many of us, i thought these concluding words from lincoln's second inaugural address might be fitting:

with malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.

May these words from one republican guide the every action of our next president as well as our own.

what i would have wanted

i've had a conflicted feeling about relationships ever since my break-up with michael. that conflict has come to the fore as a result of my discussions with my new therapist about the dynamics of my friendship with sean.

he's been asking me what i was seeking with sean, and i've always responded that it's what i've described as an intimate friendship. one that has both emotional and physical dimensions but isn't about being romantically involved. one that isn't a precursor to being boyfriends or partners or husbands. one that is and always will remain in the "bff's with benefits" zone.

i've been saying for some time that's really all i want at most any future relationships with men. i just want a good friend with whom sex is a part of the potential choice of activities. it's not something that has to happen every time we get together nor is it something that can't happen if we so choose.

i've been saying it for some time, but last night i was wondering why. is it a jaded reaction to the end of my relationship with michael - the perspective that since my ten plus year relationship (which was difficult for most of its duration) didn't work out that any committed relationship i would have in the future would eventually end so why bother hoping for one? i then thought what if michael had never happened at all. what would have i wanted in terms of a relationship?

it's certainly an interesting question to ponder. i mean i grew up with and was influenced by the same cultural conditions that dictated that life is not complete without a spouse that everyone else has, so i'm sure at some time or other that's what i believed i wanted. i know after i came out, having a boyfriend who i would eventually have as a partner was definitely a desired goal. it certainly is what pushed me in and through a relationship that should have come to an end much sooner (well, that and my determination to believe that somehow my love would make things better. obviously, it didn't).

i guess it's true that had michael not happened what i would have wanted would still have been to find the man of my dreams and settle down with him in domestic bliss. but michael has happened and it is possible that the difficulties of that relationship may have been as much of a clarifier of what i really want as it could be a creator of disbelief in the ability of what i used to hope for to ever come to pass.

right now i'm going to continue the course with the "bff with benefits" mindset, trusting that if something different is meant for me that whatever that may be will present itself and i'll be able to embrace it. now the difficult part is actually finding that relationship, and if my current experience with sean is any indicator, achieving that goal will continue to be an elusive one.