should i be concerned....?

so i'm back home for the next few days with another trip for work in the week ahead. yesterday, on the plane ride back, i was doing some work and listening to my the carpenters playlist on my ipod. i tend to like have familiar music playing in the background as i'm reading. so as i'm perusing a research study on a particular subject we are discussing incorporating in our menu of services in my department, i hear the song i need to be in love come streaming through my earbuds. when karen gets to the chorus and trills, "i know i need to be in love" with that amazingly lush voice of hers, i find myself having a kind of visceral, repulsed gut reaction accompanied by the thought, "well i'm not sure i "need" to be in love. i don't think it's really love that i'm looking for anymore."

given that this is not the usual response i have to this song, i paused for a second and wondered, "should i be concerned that i'm not looking for love anymore?" upon arrival and standing at baggage claim, i continued my earlier reflection with the thoughts, "and is it that i just don't want a love relationship or do i no longer believe that such a relationship is possible for my life?'

i believe i've shared here before that my interest in having an exclusive, monogamous, romantic relationship is pretty much nonexistent at this point. in fact, rather than having a "boyfriend" i'd rather have a "guyfriend" (or two or three) that i hang out with doing things like meeting for coffee, going to a movie or show, catching a bite to eat with some physical intimacy as a part of the menu. no living together, no feeling disappointed because you didn't get flowers on valentine's day, no going to boring events because you have to support your hubby, and no having to put up with unacceptable behavior or treatment because you're "in a relationship."

now, some folks that i know would tell me that what i'm describing comes more from my experience of a relationship and that not all relationships have the "no features" i described above as an intrinsic dynamic. perhaps they are right. i don't really know. what i do know is that when it comes to "love" my heart appears to be closed for business. at the same time, i also know that i am tired of being alone.

another suitcase packed

so i'm back out on the road again. it's the first of three trips in three weeks. the first two are for business and the last is personal time off to go to the annual collectors convention i've been attending over the last five years.

this first trip is a little different in that i'm actually presenting at a meeting about work that i'm leading at my company. it's certainly very flattering to have been asked to share about what we're doing and what we've learned along the way. hopefully, the meeting conveners and the attendees will feel my presentation is useful and is time well spent. while i would say that i'm looking forward to the discussion, i also have to say that emotionally i'm feeling kind of flat.

i would say that the recognition of my current emotional state happened yesterday. after a long day of travel and some confusion about my rental car (assistant booked at a company other than the one i normally use and have a membership with), i dragged into the hotel around 10 pm and just felt what i can only describe as not really present. i had been venting via text with my friend sean about my traveling travails and when that was done, i just kind of noticed that something didn't feel quite right. i was in this kind of not particularly enthused about being here but not feeling as if there's anywhere else i'd rather be instead.

last night i chalked the feeling up to be related to my normal not liking to be away from my own bed perspective that occurs whenever i travel (and the more i've traveled, the more pervasive that perspective has become). today though, i'm wondering if it's more related to some brief encounters and reflections i had yesterday.

when i got to the airport yesterday, while racing to get into the terminal and up to check-in, i passed a man and a woman in a deep embrace. when i got closer, i could tell that the man was hugging the woman intensely and they were both crying. being the kind of person that speculates, well, about everything, i immediately started playing different scenarios in my head. maybe they were lovers sad about having to be apart for an extended period. maybe they were siblings grateful for the opportunity to see one another and sad that it was over too soon. maybe they were friends and one had experienced a recent loss and had come to visit to begin to heal from the grief. in any event, i was moved by this display a deep and honest emotion borne in an obvious strong bond between the two.

interestingly enough, still on my way to check-in, i witnessed yet another encounter. this time it was what appeared to be a family happily greeting a traveler who had just arrived from places unknown to me. i have no idea if the person was family or friend, but any one within viewing or hearing distance could tell that they all were delighted to see one another.

after checking my bag and going breezily through security (hooray for tsa pre-check), i settled into a restaurant for a quick before flight lunch. sitting there waiting for my burger and fries, i decided to send sean a text to say hello and let him know that my travels had just begun. for some reason the thought came to me of why would i bother him with something so trivial. i think it's the answer that came back to me compounded with what i just witnessed that may have something to do with my current emotional state. the answer i gave myself was basically that he was one of only a small number of people in this whole wide world who i thought might care enough about me to want to know (and i mean less than a handful).

it was a melancholy moment but brief. almost like a pinprick to my heart. funny though how even the smallest of holes to the heart can grow into something more. i guess when there's so much hurt to work with it's only natural.

you know how you know ...?

you know how you know you truly consider someone a friend? it's when you're having a really shit moment and you just wish right then and there you could be with that person talking through it over a nice cup of coffee (or stronger beverage).

that one's for you sean.

the story of my life

i just had a moment of sad contemplation in the shower and rather than waiting until tomorrow to write about it, i thought it best to just get it out of my system now. you see, i recently stopped participating in a venue that i had been somewhat active in over the past few months. as a result and as i suspected would happen, i have not heard much from the people i interacted with in that setting. in fact, it's actually been quite some time since i've interacted with most of them.

as i just shared, this change was not unexpected. in fact, it reminds me of a similar circumstance that happened almost a decade ago, in which i stopped going to a certain parish. though i was friends with several of those individuals outside of the church setting, because i was no longer in the setting in which we all met and that provided us with at least weekly contact, i stopped hearing from pretty much all of them. and this was not a gradual change. no, it was pretty immediate.

and so it is in this instance. no this was not an unexpected result nor is the hurt that i'm feeling now. people leave. i'm alone. it's the story of my life.

a precarious place

this has been a pretty strange day. i've had moments where i've actually felt pretty good -- like almost normal. and then i've had moments where my heart feels like it's been ripped in two and all the life has poured out of me. i don't know if this means i'm getting better or if this is just a momentary respite before i tumble down into an even deeper emotional pit.

it does feel like i've reached another clearing in this figurative forest that has surrounded and confounded me at every turn. but while i can feel a bit of the sun and light above me, i look ahead and all around me and all i see is dark forest for miles. and i also know that this is not the kind of clearing that exists in perpetuity. either i will be pushed onward along whatever trail that leads me through the darkness again or the trees will slowly encroach on me and claim me again.

and yet again i find myself in a place where i wonder if i will ever know peace or joy or love again. and with that thought, i think i just felt the rustle of the trees and a shadow pass over my heart.