feeling better-ish

i've long maintained that in most friendships there is no difficulty that can't be resolved through an open and focused conversation. such was the case last evening with my friend sean (formerly known in this blog as "s.r." i felt he deserved an upgrade) and me. the challenge, as mentioned in yesterday's entry, has always been timing, as in actually finding the time to have that focused conversation. differences in time zones and life patterns have made it difficult to actually have us both on the computer at the same time for an extended period. translation: place the blame on sean (i kid, mostly).

in all fairness, sean actually has a life. he has both a busy job and relationships to attend to outside of work. i, on the other hand, have a pseudo-life with just the busy job which has left my after work hours open and available. i must admit though that i wonder if there isn't also a bit of attention deficit disorder going on with him, but that's a topic for another time.

all of this stated to share that we indeed did have the "talk" (it being virtual) that we needed to and i feel that our friendship has moved to a new, even better place as a result (though i still haven't gotten a specific commitment for a meet up sometime in the foreseeable future yet. remember sean, you owe me an answer to a compound question).

one of the interesting dynamics that exists when you have an immediate problem is that you can start to focus on that one issue as the cause of distress in your life when it really is only the symptom. such was the case here. there is no denying that the pain and angst i experienced regarding the questions i had about sean and my friendship were significant and troubling; but the actual issue, if you will, has been that i have felt alone and isolated and without love for a good amount of time now, time that extends to even before michael and i broke up. and as you delve even deeper, you see that i feel this circumstance is not just being without love, it is also a feeling of being unloved -- a condition that i believe has been brought about by there being something deeply wrong with me. as long as i'm in this mental space, i find it literally impossible to believe that my circumstances will change and that life will get better.

i've thought about therapy, and, at least at this juncture, my heart is not in it. the primary reason is i've gone that route, and while helpful at that time, i feel that it is not the solution for this season of life. so what is the solution? well, i know this might seem silly, but for whatever reason, i feel that i need "life" to show me that i am wrong about how i feel about myself and my prospects for love and meaning in my life. maybe it's my scientific training (i was a biochemistry major in undergrad), but i feel like i need empirical evidence to change how i see and feel about myself and the world around me. feeling this way is probably due to the fact that i feel it is that same kind of evidence (the experiences with my father and mother, disappointments in other friendships, career struggles, the dissolution of my marriage to michael, among other things) that has led me to the perspectives i have now that life just does not seem to want to work out for me (that last statement just made me realize why i cry during the movie "the polar express" every time i watch the scene where billy, the poor boy from the other side of the tracks, says something to the effect of "christmas just doesn't work out for me.")

sean said last night that i shouldn't expect perfection from life. i truly don't believe that i'm looking for perfection. but pretty damned good. well, that would be nice.

the light is out

a few weeks ago, the light bulb in the walk-in closet off my master bedroom went out. it's one of those circular fluorescent type of bulbs, and having none on hand, i went to the home depot near my house to get a replacement. i ended up purchasing two. one to immediately fix the situation and the other to have ready the next time the light went out. when i got home, i got out my trusty ladder, climbed up, replaced the bulb, put the fixture back in place, climbed down and went to flip the light switch. nothing happened. no flash, no light, nothing. "must be a faulty bulb," i thought. "good thing i bought an extra one."

i then repeated the process. same result. though i suspected two faulty bulbs in a row was unlikely, i decided to go to a different store and purchase additional bulbs. this time i bought four. i also wondered if maybe the way i was putting them in was wrong and decided to vary my approach. i made an attempt four different times in four different ways. each time the same result. no light. so now i have a lamp sitting in the closet, six replacement bulbs, and plans to let my landlord know that the fixture isn't working.

this week has been a very challenging week for me. i've probably been at the lowest emotional point i've been at in quite some time. yesterday was particularly difficult. certainly my blog entry which started the day was likely a harbinger of the day to come, but even i was not aware of how bad i felt at that point. every interaction, every activity was a challenge for me to be focused and engaged. as the day wore on, i kept questioning if i was going to be able to get through the next activity. finally, at about 4 p.m., i had completed all the scheduled meetings and decided to leave a bit early (which for me meant concluding after a 10 hour work day rather than the 12 i've been averaging for the past couple of months).

i decided to stop by a bookstore on my way home to do some browsing, hoping it would help my mood. i wandered through the store as aimlessly as i had my day unable to focus on anything. i stopped in front of the wall of magazines and just stared ahead and asked myself, "what is wrong with me?" no sooner than the question had come to mind, i heard a small internal voice say, "your spirit is broken." and my heart so resonated with that truth that i started to cry. needless to say that was when i decided to head home.

if you've been reading this blog this week, it should be no surprise to you that i have been struggling with a particular friendship. a struggle that certainly has been happening beyond this week, but this week it has been particularly acute. our friendship being carried out over hundreds of miles and two time zones has meant that it has been a primarily virtual based relationship. as such, we are greatly reliant on technology and timing to work in our favor. and this week, when it comes to the latter, it feels that we have been way off.

as a result, as i have opened my heart and laid bare my soul over text and instant messaging, i have more often than not gone to bed with either incomplete responses or no feedback at all. and the interactions have continued to erode my confidence and yes, broken my spirit to the point that yesterday i couldn't find it in my heart to text him at all. except for one moment. i sent the briefest of texts to say hi, acknowledging that i had been depressed and hence the reason for the delay in communicating.

i went to take a bath and started reflecting on all that had happened between us over the course of the week. then, i think i had what can best be termed a psychotic break. i was having difficulty forming complete sentences and thoughts. for whatever reason i felt compelled to attempt  to share with him what i was feeling, and so, when the bath was done, i opened my computer and just started typing.

i shared in halting sentences that i could tell the reason i had been unable to text him was that i was afraid of opening my heart to him again because i had been hurt so much by the experience. i stated that i knew the hurt was neither purposeful or intentional on his part, but the pain still brought me to a state that was almost primal in its reaction. cause and effect was all my mind could register and intention had no place in that dynamic.

upon completing the instant messaging, i texted him that i had tried to explain my current state on skype. he responded that he was out for an after work drink with a colleague and that he would read it when he got home.

now the irony of this particular scene is that in sharing that i was afraid of being hurt by opening my heart and being vulnerable, i was actually creating another opportunity for the exact same thing to happen again. and happen again it did.

there was no dialogue or interaction about what i shared. just the same hours of silence that i've experienced over the course of this entire week. i went to bed sad, and a spirit that i thought already badly broken went snap, crackle, pop even more.

when i opened my computer this morning, i found a brief declaration that he had arrived about an hour or so after i had gone to sleep. there was no comment on what i had written. and the almost imperceptible sound of a breaking spirit happened yet again.

the light is out. in my closet. in my heart. in my life.

the vastness

the surrounding geography of this place i now call home is pretty impressive. panoramic is a word that comes to mind as one looks over long expanses of land in every direction, and if you're looking west, the expanse climbs into the majestic rocky mountains. such vastness has prompted two reactions in me over the time i've been here.

when i first came here to interview for a job i desperately wanted to have, i was awe-struck by the view. everything seemed so big, and it really made me feel quite small. i was a little unnerved, and as much as i wanted the job and liked the organization, i did question how i was going to feel actually living here.

after accepting the job and i returned to actually live here, i drove cross country to get here. this time as i entered the area, i had a different reaction. rather than being intimidated by the geography, i was inspired by it. i looked into the distance and had this feeling of possibility. i imagine i had tapped into the spirit that drove the pioneers of our country further westward with dreams and hopes of better lives that lay ahead.

on this past sunday, i was driving around still struggling with the emotions that were challenging me and that i have shared over the course of this week. as i turned a corner on the highway, this massive vista opened up before me that swept westward into those same mountains. again i was reminded of the first feeling that i had encountered. i felt small, insignificant. that the struggle i was experiencing mattered to no one.

today i still feel that way. i have been depressed for five months and counting, and i have stopped believing that i will ever get better. i am alone, in pain and still questioning what difference does it make that i am here.

the experiences of the last several days have opened old, deep wounds, and, as has happened many times before, i can feel the metaphorical bleed draining me of every feeling of life. it is difficult to face a day so filled with activities in which you are expected to be a leader, a visionary, a motivator when you feel like all you really want to do is disappear.

strangely enough, my new office faces westward and though i arrived here this morning in darkness, the sun is rising and through my windows i am beginning again to see the mountains in the distance. i have to admit i'm debating whether or not i should close the blinds. because frankly, there is no sense of hope or inspiration coming to me from that sight today.

to be heard

it's funny that i wrote about an unanswered question [in last night's blog]. I realized this morning your silence is my answer and it says "not much" and "no" and i am indeed alone. - written by me in a text message earlier today.

as i was contemplating this message upon arriving at work and making a couple pots of coffee for my floor (i'm usually the first one in so i take it upon myself to help get everyone's day started off right), i was reminded of this fundamental need of every human soul (and particularly this human soul). we all have a deep desire to have our voices heard.

the impetus for the text quoted above can be traced back to an instant message that had a question that began this avalanche of emotion. the question was "what does this friendship mean to you?" it is a question that was asked and as of this writing remains unanswered. well, unanswered by the person to whom the question was posed. i (at what now feels  like a foolish and sad moment for myself) answered the question and it broke my heart open wider than i thought possible (and i've been having quite a bit of heartache these days). and then silence.

now by silence, i don't mean lack of conversation. there have been conversations, just nothing about what i asked or what i wrote. and since then (in even more foolishly vulnerable moments) there have been declarations of disappointment and pain on my part. and again silence. [note: when i indicate feeling foolish about these moments, take this mental image into account. imagine seeing someone that you know, walking over to them and reaching out to shake that person's hand. now imagine the person just staring at you with your outstretched hand for minutes. and then that person turns and walks away. how do you feel?]

and at this point, after a few poorly slept nights (since saturday and counting), i realize this is as much if not more about wanting to know what i've shared has been heard and that the other person cares. and it is still about desiring an answer to that one question.

i've often written about feeling isolated, alone and out of place in this world. one reason why is that in the world i want to inhabit people who say they are your friends, who say they care for and about you, those people acknowledge when you are hurting and they make an attempt, even through the fatigue brought by the busyness of life, to be vulnerable and connect with you just as you have done so with them. but most of all they do say, "i hear you. i see you in your pain and i will be with you through it all."

that is the kind of friend i want. that is the kind of friend i try to be. it is the kind of world i want to inhabit, but sadly it feels like that is not this world.

maybe this was a go fuck yourself after all

i waited for days for an answer. a simple question posed. a heart felt response to which i gave myself, opening myself in ways that may seem easy to some but become ever more difficult and painful each time i do. and i waited for an answer that i know now will never come. so i will stop waiting. and my heart breaks anew and i think even less of myself than i did before. and the universe shrugs and says (as do you dear sean), "whatever...."

confused

how do you tell if your depression is affecting how you react to a situation or if the situation itself is making your depression worse? i'm in that situation now, and i suspect it may be a little of both.

on men

it's been yet another tough weekend of questioning. yet again i've come up against the fundamental struggle i have with this intrinsic belief that when it comes to men i am unwanted and unloved. the more i care for one, the more i am convinced that he will either not engage or disengage and leave me.

it is not a good life perspective for one to have when one is a gay man, where the company and love of men are part of your goal for life fulfillment. yet this belief seems to remain embedded in my psyche.

i think a part of me hopes that life experience will shake it loose but as of this writing, all life experience has seem to do is allow it to root even deeper into my soul -- from not knowing my father and the belief that his absence had something to do with there being something wrong with me, to childhood taunts about being different, to listening to male preachers denouncing who i am, to some male friends distancing themselves when i came out. to failures at initiating love, to the falling apart of my relationship with michael. all of these and more have served as ample evidence for my inner critic to use against me with respect to the unlikelihood of my having any type of successful relationship with another man, be it friendship, dating, or committed.

i have commented before on the torment that is brought about by desiring something and not believing that it can be yours. this past weekend has been that torment writ large. as previously stated, i keep waiting for life to bring me another version of this story. thus far my waiting seems to be in vain.

and so here's another song from sara that captures quiet eloquently some of the dynamic related to this underlying struggle.

hold my heart - sara bareilles