reprise ... (or an elegy for who i was)

i understand now ....

catch my breath by kelly clarkson

reviewing, reaffirming, and readjusting

i was telling a friend, who is new to my blog audience, that a recent review of my blog made me keenly aware of the somewhat melancholy nature of this particular space on the internet. i believe i've shared before that my motivation for writing here comes more often when i am struggling and need a space to ponder and reflect. i guess i wasn't aware of how much "more often" means until i saw the cumulative effect of entry after entry.

one encouraging sign is that, with each remembrance of difficult situations past, i had a recognition that i was able to weather that storm and come through on the other side. and so it will be with this time. and yet, i also know that i am seeing things about myself that are changing -- mindsets and perspectives about life that are readjusting and driving me to a new way of experiencing and living life.

my brief blog entry earlier in the week entitled "maybe..." hinted at this shifting that's taking place inside of me. to be honest, i'm not clear on the meaning of everything that was revealed in that blog, but i do know that it's brevity belies the profundity contained within it. it actually even frightens me a little because it seems to be challenging me to take a course that i would not have suspected that i would be (or that i was even capable of) taking.

this makes me think of another time of significant struggle and what i learned from the therapist i was seeing at that time. he explained that every so often the mental map we've been using to guide our life's journey doesn't work for us anymore and can't guide us through the terrain that lies ahead. as a result we have to be willing to tear up the old map and make a new one.

i have returned to that image a few times in my life and may have even shared it on this blog. in any event, it looks like it's that time again for me to draw a new map. my one concern is i'm not sure everyone will be happy with the picture that's drawn.

wide awake

i think someone's trying to tell me something .... until the pieces fall into place and i get a clearer picture, enjoy the cool video.

p.s. this goes out to all of you who feel you need a change

wide awake by katy perry

then again . . .

some illusions don't seem to want to fade. sigh . . . .

friday night by lady antebellum

an old friend

in the midst of my gloomy disposition, i thought i should capture something truly special that happened in my life a few months ago. one day i woke up to my clock radio and there was a segment playing on npr. in my slightly groggy state, i listened to the discussion and then caught a name that i knew, who was identified as the speaker. i knew this name because it was an individual who was my best friend from elementary school.

i had moved away in about sixth grade and though we kept in some contact, the last time we had spoken was our freshman year in college. i had wondered what had happened to this individual over the years. online searches had not yielded many clues save his occupation, and given what it was, it made sense that any further information would be difficult to come by via a public search. it was also how i knew that the speaker was indeed my friend.

i learned from the npr that he had since changed jobs and so i thought i'd see if by some chance he was on linkedin. a quick entry of his name in the search tool showed that he was indeed a linkedin user. i sent off a quick note and wondered if i would get a response. about an hour later, i got a lovely note saying that he was really happy to hear from me and provided his phone number to contact him.

we spoke the following weekend and in a couple of hours did a high level catch up on 30 or so years of life history. since then a business trip provided me the opportunity to visit with him and his family, and it was a delightful time of reconnecting. what was really wonderful was to see how this friend from childhood has become a really great man. we pledged to remain in contact and so far have been doing pretty good at that.

oh, the one thing that i forgot to mention with respect to his first note back on linkedin was a sentiment he shared. he wrote, "you couldn't know this but i consider you my very first best friend." i feel the same way about him.

maybe . . .

maybe it's about a continuous re-awakening to a few things -- life is too short for regrets; it's ok to let go of some illusions; sometimes you have to make your own rules; every now and again, i need to come first; detours aren't always about losing your way; love will last . . . .

maybe . . .

struggling . . .

it's been awhile since i was last here. and if i am here, it's because i need to let something out and i'm struggling for answers. i've been in a blue mood for a few weeks now. i'm not sure why. i've been disappointed by so much that has been happening lately.  the common thread is that all of the circumstances seem to be examples of lack of progress in moving forward. 

two songs have been speaking to me in this time of sadness -- both by the same artist. ironically (or maybe providentially), they appear back to back on her new "greatest hits" album. i'm posting links to them here (click on the titles below). i understand why the first one speaks to me. feeling like an outsider to life and yet having a desire for deep connection has haunted me pretty much from the first moment i can remember. the second one, i'm not clear on why the resonance. all i know is that i have the sense that it is a song that somehow will be the theme for this next period of my life and that the answers to how and why will appear when the timing is right.  in the meantime, if you've got any suggestions, please let me know.

people like us

catch my breath

both by kelly clarkson