timing

so just as a new door is opening ever so slightly, hinting at potential that lies beyond, an old voice emerges. i found two messages from michael when i checked my email this morning. one was old pictures of our dog nicholas that he thought i would like to have. the other simply said "i love you." and that he thought i should know. ripped any scab that was forming right off the wound. i'm bleeding out even as i type this.

contrasts

you know the interesting thing about when even the simplest ray of light enters your otherwise darkened world is how much more aware you become of the contrasting states that exist therein. there is the source of light that can bring a sense of warmth, peace, even a bit of joy. and then there's the rest that can almost look even colder, starker, and sadder in comparison. i wish i were the type of person that could live off that single source of light, but i'm not. still, it's better to have a little light than none at all. we take what we can get in times like these.

unexpected

it's funny how life works. in the midst of doing what is seemingly a routine activity, events, people, experiences can just drop in to your life seemingly from nowhere; and in a flash can make you see life in a different way then you had previously. something like that is happening for me right now, and as is often the case, it feels both wonderful and terrifying at the same time.

you begin to learn quite a bit about yourself in these times -- what you value, what you are both secure and insecure about, what you hope for, what you fear, where you are broken, and where you have healed. and when you are a perfectionist like me, you spend alot of time wanting to be sure you do this right -- even though you're also aware that you're not at all sure what "right" even looks like.

a new friend (and i consider him such even though we have not met face to face) encouraged me to not overthink this. i agreed. i'm trying to heed this advice, but, unfortunately, overthinking comes to me as naturally as breathing. i went to bed last night in a state of bliss. i awoke in a state of questioning what is going to happen. hopefully, it will even out. i'll let you know if it does and more of what "it" is in the future.

recovery

getting over heartbreak is a slow process. in my case i finally had moments this past weekend in which i almost felt like myself again. one of those moments came while i was listening to this song (click on title below). i actually found my heart responding, and for a moment, hoping that i would experience the truth of it again. that's progress, isn't it?

There's Nothing Better Than Love