bittersweet victory

as the deserved celebrations continue this weekend following a significant milestone achievement in the journey of lgbt equality, i have to admit that for my part i am pretty heavy of heart and spirit. watching the joy and elation with which the announcement has been received in the past less than 24 hours has been a beautiful sight, and yet, i have no internal resonance with any of it. in fact the primary responses i have had have been feelings of sadness and isolation.

i know that part of that response is due to the fact that as the right to marriage has been extended to millions of gay americans, i will have to move forward with the dissolution of my own civil union later in the year, reminding of my own failure in finding lasting love. i think the other part of the pain, and i've been doing quite a bit of crying this weekend over both this and my struggle of being alone in my coping with the results of my doctor's visit, is that not only have i failed at love, i fear that i will never experience it again.

etched on all of those faces in news reports and photographs is this sense of possibility for those who have partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, significant others and the like already and for those who are single but are confident love is awaiting them. i no longer have this belief, and i am doubtful it can be restored.

i liken this experience to attempting to go out to dinner on valentine's day night alone. as you are turned away from restaurant after restaurant that are already filled to capacity with lovers of various sorts, you walk out and look back through the window and see couples enjoying their meals, one another, and that special feeling that only being in love offers. it is an experience to which you are unable to gain access to this night either physically or emotionally and a cold february wind blows through you chilling you to the bone, making you feel completely, utterly alone.

here's a favorite song from a favorite singer. it describes my feelings well (that is minus the hopefulness).

any love - luther vandross

when love wins . . .

we are all ennobled and uplifted. to celebrate this momentous day, when love has indeed triumphed, i offer up this mini-mix of some of my favorite love songs.

we've only just begun - carpenters

from this moment on - shania twain and bryan white

here and now - luther vandross

ice cream - sarah mclachlan

will you still love me? - chicago

spinning like a wheel - susan ashton

save the best for last - vanessa williams

coping alone

i mentioned earlier in the week that i had an upcoming doctor's appointment that was concerning me. that appointment was yesterday and i'm still trying to cope with the information that was shared. i'm going to share part of a note i sent to a friend in response to her request of me to tell her how the appointment went.

even with this note, which is really a one way communication, i had a strong desire to be able to process the news with someone live, in person -- someone who could listen, hold me, and reassure me that life would be ok. but i don't have that, and i'm not sure if i've ever felt more alone.

Hi,

My doctor's visit was today. It was a wellness physical, so I still have results coming back from my blood work that I will need to go back to hear about. I did fine with the stuff that they could check in the office.

As for my mental health, I was correct that my doctor would not be happy to hear that I've not made any real improvement since my visit a year ago. I shared with him the things my psychiatrist has been trying as well as other stuff that has been happening. The "good news," I guess is that he did not order inpatient treatment for me. In fact, I said that I was worried that he would do so and he asked if I thought I needed it. When I said, "I hope not," he replied, "I don't think you need that at this time."

I put "good news" in quotes because of what he did say he think I may need to try. He wants me to discuss with Dr. Sanders, my psychiatrist, if I would be a good candidate for undergoing ECT. When I looked at him in puzzlement in terms of what that was, he shared that it was "electroconvulsive therapy" more commonly called "electroshock therapy." I had a pretty strong emotional reaction to that which read all over my face. He asked if I had heard of it and I was like, "yeah, that's why my face reacted that way." He did his best to assure me that the treatment had progressed quite a bit since, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and that the reason he felt it may be necessary is that he's getting concerned that I may be non-responsive to treatment with medication (apparently four attempts and counting is not a good sign; also, and something that I did not know, there is a segment of the population that suffers from clinical depression on which medications do not work -- so not encouraging). He shared that his concerns also come from that fact that I'm in what appears to be good physical health, have been compliant with all my treatments, have no addiction problems, and am motivated to get well. Usually, people who show all of these things and don't get better from meds are likely candidates for the non-responsive to meds category. To cap it off, he said that he had recently heard a lecture on ECT where the psychiatrist presenting indicated that if he had symptoms that were exactly like mine, he would definitely have ECT treatment. 

He had his PA call my psychiatrist's office to check if this is something Dr. Sanders does prescribe and apparently there are several patients at his office who are under this kind of treatment (oh joy). We left it at my discussing this with Dr. Sanders, who Dr. Kaiser said was much more of an expert in this topic and would know best whether I was a suitable candidate. 

Despite the reassurances, I can't seem to escape the feeling that I'm making a slow progression to spending the rest of my days in a padded room wearing a straitjacket staring blankly and drooling. Naturally, as you can tell, I'm kind of worried about all of this. This is obviously not the first time Dr. Kaiser has not only said he's concerned but has truly looked the part. His big worry is that while he doesn't think I would take my life on even my worst normal day, he's concerned that any additional stressors might take me past my breaking point (I mentioned the issues at work and the little fender bender I had and he was like "yes, those kind of things or the loss of a job or new financial pressures." I guess it's a good idea that I asked Michael to hold on the divorce proceedings until at least the Fall). 

I just want to be better. Who knew the road to doing so would be so hard? 

out into the universe once more

sometimes songs are like little prayers for me. they express a yearning of my heart that i hope god, the universe, the fates are hearing and working to fulfill in my life. this song is one i have listened to, sung to, cried to as one such prayer-filled song. hearing it this morning for the first time in awhile, it seemed to be the ideal companion to the song i posted earlier (by the same artist no less).

off and on over a 12 year period, i thought this prayer had been answered. it's tough a soul-shattering experience to believe you've found love only to lose it. so i send this song out into the universe once more - a little prayer for a love that is lasting.

looking for you - amy grant

who and where are you?

because if you're out there, i need to know and have you in my life soon.

like i love you - amy grant

how i really feel

this weekend i expressed some things to a friend that i really shouldn't have. in retrospect i know it is a sign of the emotional state i'm in and came about as a result of a few weeks of feeling alone and forgotten by the world. i have apologized for that and i believe the apologies have been accepted.

the deeper pain i feel is saying things that were just added pressure on this friend who i know is going through a difficult time. i really don't know the specifics, but i do know it's a tough time for him and i hope it gets better really soon.

i'm pretty sure i've posted this song on the blog at least once or twice, but here it is again. this time this one is for you my nyc friend.

i will be your friend - amy grant

now i see, but i think i've always known

of all the songs in james taylor's catalog, this is one of the few that i actually have a memory of it's release and subsequent airplay on the popular music radio stations of the time. i was in my sophomore year of high school, and i can remember hearing this song playing at all kinds of different times -- doing my homework, riding in our family car, participating in extra-curricular activities (i have a particularly distinct memory of this song coming on the radio as i was helping with the homecoming parade float of a club i was in at the time) or just laying on my bed on one of many lazy sundays listening to "america's top 40" with casey kasem.

for some reason, this song has always touched me deeply, and, given the subject matter, i was always mystified as to the reason. add to this that i don't think i even realized what the song was actually about until probably a decade or so later, and you have a real reason for puzzlement over why i had such a strong degree of personal resonance so immediately. certainly the gentle but haunting vocals provided by jt and j.d. souther contribute to evoking great emotion, but i've always sensed there was something more about the song that i just couldn't place the reason for the connection i felt to it.

i was listening to it today, and as i sang along, doing my best (and likely failing) to harmonize with the lush vocals of misters taylor and souther, the revelation that had been eluding me for over thirty years came into sharp view. "this is a song about feeling displaced after a loss" (in this case a loss of relationship after a divorce). as tears welled up and poured out of my eyes, i further realized that at this current time i'm dealing with what at least feels like the loss of a friendship, one that i know i had such high hopes for and a desire to see grow and deepen over many years to come. it didn't take much further contemplation to recognize that the personal resonance over the years and even the tears of the present day were tied to so much more than this specific relationship.

over the years i've experienced quite a bit of loss -- much of which i've chronicled in this blog either as it was occurring or as reflections on my past experiences. today i feel that the potential for further loss is so palpable, it is making it difficult to finish this entry. indeed, it is not just about this friend (though the pain from that alone feels as if it is shredding my heart). it is also about the other losses in the near past most significant of which is my failed relationship with michael. and it is about losses that i fear are to come.

i am not doing well. actually, i am having moments where i feel as far from well as one could possibly be. i feel no sense of connection with the work i am doing any longer, the disappointments stemming from which have definitely taken a toll on my engagement and belief that i have or will make any difference at all. and whether or not it is the adjustment to the new medication, i'm unsure, but i feel a great deal of loss in my ability to manage my emotions and cope with what is taking place in my life. several times a day, i just find myself crying for long periods. in some ways it feels as if my sanity is on the verge of completing its gradual slippage, and i contemplate ending my life with probably the greatest frequency i have in my life to date.

i  may have mentioned in a previous entry that i have a visit with my primary care physician the day after next. i am concerned that he will determine that i will need to go into an inpatient facility for treatment. i dealt with this possibility last year and i think i shared at that time my fear that such an event would be so disruptive to my life plans that i wasn't sure if would ever recover from it.

i got a reprieve then as i agreed to enter into treatment with a psychiatrist instead. he prescribed one set of medications that worked briefly, and for a moment, i thought maybe i was finally on my way to recovery. but then they failed. as did the next. and the next after that. and now i am on yet another medication that i am not entirely optimistic will help either (especially given the rocky start i am having with it), and i wonder how many failures of this type can one soul endure.

so, from reliving what has happened and speculating on what maybe will come, i have definitely developed a strong sense of being displaced in the world around me. i've used so many phrases and metaphors to describe this feeling -- "no one hears me," "i'm lost in the woods with no hope to be found," "no one ever comes to find me" to name a few -- all of them speaking to the fact that i do not feel that i belong here anymore if i ever did at all.

and i think maybe it is time to stop fighting. maybe it is time to just let the madness and darkness claim me and have them drive me where they will.

maybe. for now i just know that i am bone weary, alone, and in need of some love. and i have a song to share.

her town too - james taylor

the kind of storm we all need

we've had quite a bit of rain here lately. even so, here's a jt song that has the theme of raining in it - showers of emotion rather than water, but just like water it speaks to something we all need to give and receive for life to have any meaning. as for my part, it would be nice to have this type of outpouring of liquid rather than those that have been coming from grey skies above or my own eyes.

shower the people - james taylor

and a song for evening

having lived in seven different states and over 20 different locations, this song has a particular resonance for me (plus it's just a lovely arrangement and performance).

my traveling star - james taylor

a song for the day

you've got a friend - james taylor

ok, maybe just one more

you can close your eyes - james taylor

maybe it will help

so i'm still kind of in limbo about the situation with my friend. uncertain if he will take the exit ramp out of this friendship or not. and i have to admit the uncertainty is not something i'm managing well.

i was describing the situation to another friend and he responded with the tried and true answer that i've heard from so many people, "you should stop worrying so much." i will have to admit i did not react well to his suggestion. 

the most difficult thing about dealing with this depression is that people think that i have a control of it rather than it very much having control of me. i don't choose to think about the things i do. i don't choose to worry and obsess about things. it just happens pretty much involuntarily and i have no sense of what will trigger it or to what degree or duration the depressive episode will occur. what i am dealing with is like any other mental illness be it epilepsy, schizophrenia, or alzheimer's. no one in any of those situations chooses to feel the way they do and neither do those of us who suffer from clinical depression. it's the unfortunate draw of the cards that our brains work this way. for some of these conditions medication will help, but as long-time readers of this blog know, my journey to find such a solution has been a long, painful and largely unsuccessful one. and my 

it can be lonely and frustrating to suffer in this way. i often have used the phrase "no one hears me" to describe the experience. i believe that people want to and that they try. then they say something like "you need to stop thinking about that" and we're back to square one.

i guess this is one reason that i resonate so much with james taylor. he went through a serious emotional breakdown and depressive episode when he was fairly young. he committed himself to a hospital for treatment (a place to which both his sister and brother would later do the same for similar reasons). he also would later have bouts with substance abuse that i imagine were his way of attempting to cope with (or escape) this struggle with depression. here's an interesting quote from wikipedia quoting james on his feelings about his depression:

As for his mental health struggles, Taylor would think of them as innate, and say: "It's an inseparable part of my personality that I have these feelings."

and so i listen to his music and feel a kindredness with this man. i can relate to the struggle he has endured and he believe if he knew me that he could relate to mine. and so here is my last song for this james taylor weekend, but certainly not the last time his music will make an appearance on this blog.

it's a song about hope and promise. perspectives of which i am in short supply, but know i need now more than ever. maybe listening to this will me help me to do so. maybe it will help you in some way as well. let's hope our brains cooperate.

another day - james taylor

endings

and so i've taken another sledgehammer to my already shattered heart. do i feel good about it? no, not at all. and i think the fact that i've been crying non-stop since i did so is testament enough to the truthfulness of that statement. but when you've come to see that you are more of a hindrance than a help. viewed as more of a burden than a blessing to someone's life. what else is there to do then to  put an end to his misery?

true, what i've done is really just the opening of a door for his exit, but i know in my heart it is a retreat that he will not hesitate to take nor will he look back. he won't see this entry because it won't occur to him to even look for it. he will leave as so many other men have in my life without pause or regret.

i think that's what hurts as much as the actual ending. to know that you don't really matter. that you will be consigned to someone's personal history as that crazy person he once knew and now regrets having ever met.

the song i'm posting is consistent with this weekend's theme. it is a song that i've posted before, however it seemed to be most appropriate now. it is also a song about an ending. those familiar with this song know that its subject chose another type of ending. i imagine it is a path i will soon be taking as well. but for now i'd like to ask mr. taylor's indulgence to close this entry with an altering of his lyrics to suit my purposes:

i sat down this morning and i posted this song
i just have no one to send it to

i've seen fire and i've seen rain
i've seen sunny days that i thought would never end
i'm in a lonely time when i've lost a longed for friend
and i always hoped that i'd see you again

maybe on the other side.

fire and rain - james taylor

seems my dreams have frozen

i'd decided yesterday morning that this would be the song that would be today's first entry on this "all james taylor" weekend. hearing the lyrics, "lately i've been lonesome" and "seems my dreams have frozen" brought an ache to my heart and tears to my eyes, so close to truth they are.

today looks like it's shaping up to be another lonely day. i imagine more heartache and crying is in the forecast.

blossom - james taylor

blossom, smile some sunshine down my way
lately, i've been lonesome
blossom, it's been much too long a day
seems my dreams have frozen
melt my cares away
send the sunshine down my way whenever you call my name
i know what you mean to say to me, girl, it's all the same
blossom, there's any empty road behind
sit you down beside me
blossom, there's a sweet dream on my mind
there's a song inside me
take these chains away
now, send the sunshine down my way whenever you call my name
i know what you mean to say to me, girl, it's all the same
blossom, smile some sunshine down my way
lately, i've been lonesome
blossom, it's been much too long a day
seems my dreams have frozen
melt my cares away