like a moth

when it comes to relationships with men, i seem to have the same pattern. i am initially attracted by what i see is a light and warmth to their personality. it is what i perceive to be a depth of insight and a kindness of the heart.

in the same way that a moth responds to the light of a flame, i am drawn to them almost immediately and entirely. and just like a moth i am compelled to get closer and closer to them. it is only at the moment when my connection to them seems at its peak that i realize that what i have perceived them to be has been a lie created in my mind. before i know it, i become entirely consumed by the flames of disillusionment and am left burned and scarred for days, months, even years to come by the experience.

my trust grows cold and i am left with the belief that any kind of relationship with another man is doomed to failure. that is until i see another flame come into view.

two years and still waiting

i have found that when my heart is heavy and i'm hurting emotionally, i tend to walk slower, my voice gets softer, and i speak more deliberately. my breathing becomes more labored and my thoughts flow much more slowly.

i'm not sure why this phenomenon takes place. it just does and it is now. i am back to feeling as if no one hears or really cares about me. i am back to questioning what difference it makes to try to be a good and supportive friend. the effort is not recognized nor appreciated. it is certainly not returned in kind. instead i feel as if i'm a burden to be endured. i wonder where my life is going and why darkness continues to surround me.

a friend recently shared that i should hang in there, that we all have bad days. i shared that it's been two years and i'm still waiting for one good day.

a comfort song

so this weekend i decided to go on a refresh diet regimen. it's an attempt to reboot my healthier eating habits as i've slowly reverted back to eating habits characterized primarily of consumption of lots and lots of junk food. this regimen is made up of healthy "shakes" with small portions of fruits and vegetables. i'm doing ok, but i sure do miss my comfort food of burgers, fries, pizza, chicken wings and pasta (i've had this strange craving for spaghetti bolognese all weekend).

i've mentioned in many entries that music from the early days of my life has this calming, soothing effect on me. such is the case with the song i'm posting today. i figure if i can't have comfort food then a comfort song will have to do.

now it might seem strange that i view this particular song as one that provides comfort, but trust me it does. as with other songs of this type, the comforting effect is more about being transported to a time when i felt safe and loved and that the world was filled with opportunity.

as for my missing my comfort food, i'm hoping that when i am free to eat what i want, this type of food will make much fewer appearances on my meal menus. fortunately, a comfort song fills me up without any added calories (even so, i do think a bowl of spaghetti bolognese and i have a date in the very near future).

i'm not in love - 10cc