an evening addendum in song

actually heard this song shortly after i posted this morning's entry. i thought it was a fitting companion to what i shared earlier and so here it is.

my heart is open - maroon 5 (featuring gwen stefani)

come and find me here

it's tony awards weekend, so it seemed fitting to choose a song by this particular artist to express an emotion i've been experiencing quite acutely of late.

i don't think i understand love. maybe it's because i'm not sure i've experienced enough of it in my life. but, from what i have experienced, it feels as if the pain of it often seems to outweigh the joys. and yet i do still believe that it is the greatest force of good in our world and holds the potential to heal, restore, and redeem so much.

i shared with a friend some time back that it felt that a great cruelty of this world is that love seems to elude those of us who need it most. and yet there are times i'm not clear on what form of love i want to experience. i just know i want to experience as much of the best of it as possible.

i hope it will come and find me here. and if it does, even with all of the doubts and uncertainties i've expressed, i believe i will follow.

i follow - audra mcdonald

Someone somewhere is laughing
Someone somewhere sings a sorry little song
Someone somewhere is calling me
And I follow

For the silence of my mind is deafening
Come and find me here

Ahhhh, ahhhh

Tell me why passion calls me
Tell me why I run blindly into love
Tell me why I feed this distance
When I follow

For the silence of my mind is deafening
Come and find me here

Ahhhh, ahhhh...

Ahhhhh, ahhh, ahhh...(4X)

Wear your love like a shoestring
Wear your heart exposed and unaware
Wear the promise so it calls me
And I follow

For the silence of my mind is deafening
Come and find me here

Ahhhh, ahhhh...

Ahhhhh, ahhh, ahhh...(7X) 

it's about the why

so today was spent attending to personal life items. a visit to the doctor in the morning resulted in what will be the fourth attempt at getting my antidepressant medication right. there was much driving around attending to the fender bender i experienced with my car yesterday (pylon:1, car: 0). i managed to get some lunch and even made a cameo appearance at work. 

the thing about days like today is being out of one's normal routine tends to provide the opportunity for a revelation to sneak up on one. such was the case today and i have today's posted "blog song of the day" to thank for it. i suppose it's kind of fitting that the song comes from the same artist whose song inspired the titling of this blog.

i heard this particular song as i was driving in my slightly injured vehicle from my doctor's appointment headed to pick up an item at the grocery store en route to dropping off the new script. it's a pleasant song and has a definite summer time vibe to it. for that reason alone, i thought it might be a good candidate for being posted here. as i heard a particular lyric, i smiled and thought, "i guess that in addition to this being a fun song, it's one where james is sharing that he realizes his purpose in life is to entertain people. it's good to know your purpose in life." and then i arrived at the store and that was that.

later, this time driving from my appointment with the insurance adjuster to drop the estimate off at the body repair shop, listening to another jt song, i thought back to listening to this posted song earlier. it was then that i heard that still, small voice that brings most of my epiphanies to me saying, 

you do realize that it's this whole idea of purpose that is causing you so much pain and frustration. at work you feel what clarity of purpose you had is being thwarted. with your friend you are unclear as to what purpose you have in one another's lives. and more broadly you question if you have any purpose in the broader world around you. your life has been a constant struggle with the 'why' of it all. you feel that as soon as you have a little clarity it vanishes. just as you feel you are making a contribution either to a specific individual or a group of people, the relationships change. you are a purpose driven person. it is the fuel for your life and without it you feel lost and without value. 

and that was that. i had that feeling you get when you realize a truth has been revealed. it was something that i had been feeling but not fully understanding -- something that was just out of reach of my fuller comprehension.  while it was good to know what the problem is, there was no insight provided of what the answer is or when or even if there would be an answer. maybe that's for another car ride to come. 

that's why i'm here - james taylor

it was a pretty good year

senior year in high school for me (much older than where our singer was at the time).

there were many great accomplishments for me that year. and there was also still much uncertainty and pain about identity, place in the world, finding meaningful companionship, and how to be satisfied with who i was becoming.

the difference between then and now is that, even with the doubts, life still seemed so full of promise and hope. anything still seemed possible and achievable. how times change

no, i don't think there will be any wistful songs about "2015."

(and btw, you don't have to be six to want to be superman).

83 - john mayer

you know you're having a bad day when . . .

you wake up and you feel like such an emotional wreck that you think that you should stay home from work (but then again that's every day), but you decide to be strong and go in anyway. you get there and the level you normally park on in the garage is full, and as you leave, you inexplicably find yourself hitting a yellow pylon dead on. the pylon emerges unscathed, but you look at the front end of your expensive import luxury car and there's this nice dent and yellow scraping on the previously pristine black paint.

you park somewhere else, get out, walk three steps and realize work is not going to happen. you get back in your car and drive home.

you get home, put your stuff down and start tearing up. you text your friend about what happens -- a friend with whom you have this somewhat complicated relationship, have not been in the amount of contact you would like to be with him at this time (well, or ever in the history of the relationship) and are currently struggling to understand what exactly you're supposed to expect and rely on from him. you hit send and then it hits you that what you want is comfort and you're not even sure if this is the person who you should even look to for that and then the hit goes even deeper when you recognize all you want is a hug and you literally have no one to provide it for you. you cry some more.

you contact the insurance company. you contact your service dealer about repairs. you sit around waiting for return phone calls. you stare at the walls a lot.

you go online to chat. you feel more and more alone.

you type this blog entry. you wonder if life is ever going to get any better. you wonder if anyone will ever find you so lost and alone. your heart answers you back "no" and "no."

you wish you could just disappear.

'cause it really already does

this summer's gonna hurt like a motherfucker - maroon 5

and the choice is . . . .

yesterday, i was ambling around the music dvd section of my local barnes and noble and came across this collection of videos by madonna -- 47 in all. i checked to see if my favorites were on it and decided, "why not" and bought it.

i've spent the afternoon watching them (i'm on number 30 as i type this -- it's "ray of light"). part of this time, i was in the midst of an online chat with a friend who is more than a bit of a madge fan (as an example he was pretty much able to rattle off which videos were selected in order). at a certain point in our conversation, it occurred to me, given my recent penchant for selecting what i've come to call the "blog song of the day," i asked him which video he would vote for me to select for today's honor. i already had a particular one in mind and his vote turned out to be the exact same as where i was leaning.

not only is it visually arresting, the mood of the video very closely mirrors my own. the one interesting thing is i don't feel as if i have much heart left to open.

frozen - madonna

swallowed whole

last night it felt as if the ground opened up and swallowed me whole. my soul, cut off from all light and sound and signs of life, feels as if it's been suffocating ever since. more silent screams echo into what feels like an uncaring universe.

this is not new. it is a repeat of a phenomenon that has been occurring consistently for almost two years now. it strikes particularly hard and viciously on weekends. and two phrases repeat over and over and over again in my mind -- "no one hears me" and "no one ever comes to find me."

in the past, i have tried to fight for hope and belief in a better day. that fighting doesn't happen as much anymore. instead, when i feel the earth shift and the ground give way, i just let the emotional collapse carry me down.

i try to stay away from sharp objects and open windows. i might take a pill that numbs the pain but doesn't take away the despair and emptiness. and i wait.

eventually, i will resurface. i will feel a bit better. i will not feel well or whole or certainly not happy. and i crawl through life. and i wait.

for the cycle to begin again.