drug induced existentialism

today i've learned that muscle relaxers and depression are not a good combination. one would suspect that it would have mellowed me out. instead it's put me in a state where i am questioning even more why am i here and what is happening with my life. i don't feel good at all about who or where i am in life. on top of it all i'm dealing with this physical pain in my back.

another weekend lost to sadness and/or illness. i wonder how many that is this year? i may not have the quantitative answer, but i do the qualitative one. far, far, far too many.

more aching

so today i was in an all-day project meeting. and through it all my back was in some degree of pain, running the gamut from noticeable discomfort to excruciating pain. at one moment, i stated aloud that i think i was going to have someone take me out back and shoot me to put me out of my misery.

it's bad enough that i have to deal with emotional heartache, does my back really have to go out now as well?

my smiling young man

i had an interesting dream last night. from what i remember, it started out as a road trip with a group of friends from different points in my life. i'm not sure where we were going or what the purpose of the trip was. i just know that the dream involved our stopping at some souvenir shop along the way.

as tends to happen, the group pretty much dispersed upon entering the store. i imagine we were each intent on discovering what little trinkets or baubles would suit our fancy for remembering this trip. as i wandered through the store, i happened upon some items (i have no idea what at the present time) that caught my eye on the bottom shelf of some display. so i knelt down to get a closer look.

as i was crouched down, i heard a voice above and behind me say something to the effect of "so you like those do you?" assuming it was a salesperson, i looked up to respond. as i turned in the direction from which the inquiry came, i saw standing over me, smiling one of the sweetest smiles i could imagine, a young man (i say "young" in a relative sense, i remember guessing that he was in his early 30's) with dark wavy hair, in a white shirt, grey tweed jacket and jeans (don't remember the shoes), who was clearly not a salesperson.

surprised that he wasn't who i was expecting him to be, i managed to stammer out something like, "yes, they're very nice." he then said something like, "hmm, can i join you to take a closer look." "sure," was my only response, not really quite sure what exactly was happening. as he crouched down next to me, he picked up one of the items, looked it over and said, "yeah these are nice," and then staring me straight in the eyes, and still smiling that smile but now with a bit of a mischievous glint in his eyes, he said, "but you know what would be even nicer is if you would tell me how i can get your phone number?"

i then remember staring at him in a way that i'm sure was a mixture of confusion and disbelief and saying, "are you trying to ask me out?" and his saying in response, "well, yeah if you'll let me." so i kind of chuckled and said, "do you have any idea how old i am?" to which he responded without missing a beat, "i'm assuming old enough to go out with me." this elicited more laughter from me and another comment of, "well, i'm likely almost old enough to be your father." again, without hesitation, my young would be suitor said, "well that may be. all i know is i like what i see." we both laughed at that point and then he said, "so how about that phone number?"

i wasn't really sure what to do at that point not having any prior experience with this type of encounter. i finally said, "well, i don't have a pen or paper" and in a flash he was up running over to the sales counter, grabbed a pen and a tore a piece of paper off one of those free newspapers that are always at the front of these kinds of stores, and back to me with a, "here you go." so i thought, "what the hell?", and wrote down my number and folded the paper and handed it to him. but as i was doing so, i missed his hand and dropped the paper to the ground. naturally, we both reached down to pick it up and in doing so bumped our heads together and literally fell over one another onto the floor.

we both started laughing hysterically, and as we disentangled from our collective heap, i just felt this urge to reach from behind him and hug him. so i did. and in response i heard this what can only be described as a slight purr of satisfaction and he leaned back into me so my arms could hold him even tighter, which i did. so there we were on the floor of this souvenir store, two strangers in a fairly intimate embrace.

it was at this point that i looked up and saw one of my friends standing over, staring down with this more than slightly bemused smile. no words were exchanged about what he had happened to stumble upon. i could just tell that he was pleased with what he saw. suddenly, my friend and i heard our other friends calling out saying they were ready to leave now and that if we didn't get a move on, they were leaving without us.

so a rushed "nice meeting you and goodbye" was said to my smiling young man, and my friend and i raced out to the parking lot to pile into the car with the rest of our group. but as my friend continued ahead, i found myself just frozen in my tracks in the middle of the parking lot with a rush of confused emotion pouring into me. i realized that i didn't even know the guy's name and this feeling of doubt and gloom that nothing was going to come of that brief encounter started coming over me.

suddenly, from behind me, i felt this rush of someone running up to me and shoving a scrap of paper in my hand and then running off. as i turned i could see my smiling young man still smiling, looking back at me, waving and then running to join his friends to head out to parts unknown.

i looked down at the folded piece of paper in my hand and saw that it was similar to the one i had given him with my phone number. i wondered for a moment if he was just returning my number to me as a sign that, after further thought, he really wasn't interested.

so i opened the folded paper and there was a hastily scrawled note that said, "it was really nice to spend time with you, and i look forward to talking with you soon. btw, my name is . . .   " and then i woke up.

forgetting/forgotten

last night was a difficult night. i got home from work at about 7:00 and went into my usual after work ritual -- changed clothes, heated up some leftovers, fired up my laptop, and turned on some smooth jazz on pandora (sometimes its watch a tv program on bravo or hgtv). it turns out though what i mostly did was just kind of stare at the wall. after about an hour or so of that scintillating activity, i went upstairs and got ready for bed.

following my shower, putting on my sleeping clothes, and climbing under the covers, i resumed the work i started downstairs (this time i added the ceiling as an object of my gazing). at a certain point, i thought to myself, "why does it feel as if the world has forgotten me?"

i think i was trying to say that on a day to day basis (outside of the work setting at least) i have very few signs that anyone knows or cares that i'm in the world. and all of the contact i do have comes via some form of electronic communication. i think the last time i talked with a friend face to face was back in august and prior to that we would have to go back to december for that kind of experience. sometimes there's no contact from anyone at all. and it's been that way for quite some time.

the even more troubling dynamic is that i seem to be forgetting myself that i am here or at least my purpose or role in the world outside of my work identity. so i literally step out of work and it's like, "umm what am i supposed to do now?" it's also this feeling of forgetting who i am and knowing who i'm supposed to be. and so if i'm even forgetting me, i guess it shouldn't be any surprise that others are as well.

and so it continues....

does it count?

i think i may have lied to sean in a text exchange this morning. you see, i was sharing that i had a bit of an emotional meltdown last night, but thought i was over the worst of it. sitting here at my desk, i can tell that i'm really not. does it count as a lie if you believed what you were saying to be true at the time?

blank

a description for how i feel inside. a description for how my vision for my future. a description for my outlook on life. a description for my view of hope that any of this will be better. "e" all of the above.