living through a nightmare

i keep wanting to wake up in a better life, but the nightmare this one has become just continues without end.

enter sandman - metallica

is this me?

following on this morning's entry, i heard this song today and i just couldn't help but question if it's not reflective of the issues with my relationships with men. i don't know, but to use another phrase that's become a staple, it may not be true but it sure feels like it's true.

crowing - toad the wet sprocket

been waiting to find

you could've been happier given the time

if he'd make up his mind

you'd give yourself to anybody

who would cross that line

and it was never a question

he was crowing for repair

you'd give him love and affection

you couldn't keep him there

get over regrets

while you were sleeping with the angels

he was under the bed

and the more skin that you shed

the more that the air in your throat will linger

when you call him your friend

and it was never a question

he was crowing for repair

you'd give him love and affection

you couldn't keep him there

staring at a cold little hand

reading fault lines of a shell of a man

you were waiting for a word from above

wouldn't you know it?

no answer ever did come

and it was never a question

you were crowing for repair

you'd give him love and affection

you couldn't keep him there

and it was never a question

you were crowing for repair

you'd give him love and affection

you couldn't keep him there

on the road to being a memory

it's been a difficult week. as i was just recounting to a friend in an online chat, i've been at the edge of a complete emotional breakdown on the average of 2-3 times a day. even when i'm not, i feel this great sense of fragility as if the slightest pressure will cause me to break apart.

one of the great struggles i've been having is with the feeling that i'm losing ground with many of my friendships. there is less and less contact each week, and when there is dialogue, it is brief and not very substantive. i feel like i'm on the road to being a memory. you know, i'm becoming the "i wonder whatever happened to" guy -- a distant memory of someone sad and lonely.

as is my habit, i blame what is happening on myself. that i am no longer interesting or engaging enough. that my depression is something that people do not want to deal with any longer. that people feel that i am not trying hard enough or doing enough to make myself better. it's the same old tape, playing over and over again.

i am trying to look at this differently. trying to recognize that people's lives change. trying to see that the fact that my demand for attention and support far exceeds the supply that these particular individuals are able to give at this time. i'm trying, and the circumstances are still difficult and painful as my broken psyche continues to use the growing distance as evidence that i have been rejected and discarded.

i guess the worst part of it all is i see no way out. there are no signs that this struggle or really those in  any other dimension of my life are going to get any better. i can't see the way clear to whatever other side might exist. i don't even know where the path is anymore. i continue to be confused and lost and without hope.

the song i'm sharing today is really about how there are times that things seem beyond us. beyond our understanding and certainly our ability to control. that's how i am feeling about life in particular and about this situation specifically. how and why people choose to or not to involve themselves in my life is the enigma wrapped in a mystery that i will just have to live with. another way of expressing this sentiment would be a phrase that i often use (and was the competing title for this entry), "it is what it is" no matter how painful that may be.

out of my hands - jason mraz

free my heart and mind

given all that i've written about over the past two years, this is one song whose meaning to me should be pretty self-explanatory.

inside - toad the wet sprocket

free my heart to feel again
free my mind to understand
o run undeterred

pull the blinders from my eyes
let me see the endless skies
drown me where i stand
in the beauty of the land

and all my life
it lay inside

for all my life

tear this anger from my soul
wash me clean and leave me whole
leave me higher

work my hands to make them strong
lift my arms to carry on
anywhere i go, to never be alone

and all my life
it lay inside
for all my life

we were always leaving
since we start breathing
and running back no wonder
we are torn asunder

to give me life
to give me life

what we know

i had an english teacher in high school who, as we would be discussing some work of literature, would often say, "we bring to a work what we know." in that concise statement, she would remind us that it is our own life experience that allows us to engage and find meaning in really any work of art be it a novel, a poem, a painting, or a song.

last night, as i was soaking in a hot bath, this particular song came on. as i listened, my life experience with relationships both past and current seemed to infuse the song with a deeper meaning and a greater resonance for me.

sometimes i get caught up in whether the meaning a song has for me is the same as what the songwriter was attempting to convey. i've realized over time, particularly after reading and seeing interviews with various artists, that while the writer may have had a specific point of view in writing a song, once written, recorded and sent into the world, a song takes on a life of its own. it becomes free to be interpreted in as many different ways as there are listeners with different life experiences.

for this reason, at least for this particular song, i'm not going to share what it means to me. upon listening to it, i will let you make that interpretation both as to what my bathtub contemplation may have revealed and as to what it speaks to you.

we bring to a work what we know. i guess that's one of the things that makes life interesting.

something's always wrong - toad the wet sprocket

an unfortunate collision

i was listening to this song yesterday and in the midst of it my hope had an unfortunate collision with my doubt. i was listening to the lyrics and at a particular moment that my heart was opening to all the wonderful aspects of being "so in love" described therein, a single thought of "this really isn't going to happen for me is it?" pierced through the reverie. immediately thereafter, my soul was flooded with the despair of living the rest of my life without love and companionship.

it would be nice to get some kind of forewarning that such an experience is about to happen. i least then i could be at least somewhat prepared for the collateral damage left in its wake.

tenerife sea - ed sheeran

what i wish i could have right now

though it's strange to wish for something i've never really known.

song for my father - sarah mclachlan

How I wish that I could tell you
It's to you that I would run
You were the place that I could always rest my head
When my world had come undone

'Cause I've been wrestling with my demons
They're telling me I have no choice
How I wish that I could lean upon you now
Amidst the chaos and the noise

Your light buried the dark
A constant unwavering heart

You were the well to cool my fury
Deep and calm your waters feel
Your quiet words a salve to soothe my wayward soul
It was there I learned to heal

Your light buried the dark
A constant unwavering heart

Oh I hope that you can hear me
Through the ravages of time
You have carried me though more than you could know
I still feel your hand in mine

Your light buried the dark
A constant unwavering heart

Your light buried the dark
A constant unwavering heart (Unwavering heart)

deeper into darkness

every day it feels that i'm proceeding on a journey deeper into a darkness of the mind and spirit. even with as many interventions that have been attempted to provide a course correction, nothing seems to stem or slow it's continued progress (and today's song, though stemming from a different experience, at least tangentially reminds me of the feelings i've been having particularly as related to the latest medical intervention intended to address my clinical depression).

it is difficult to feel particularly optimistic in the face of this kind of experience. my engagement levels in and enthusiasm for pretty much of anything in my life continues to greatly diminish. i continue to feel very alone in this struggle and see no change in that state anytime in the foreseeable future.

alone. broken. lost. yes, dark times indeed.

they say that it is always darkest before the dawn. if this is indeed true then sunrise should indeed be imminent. please forgive me if i am doubtful though that this endless night will ever cease.

bloodstream - ed sheeran

fidélité

here's another one of those songs that speaks deeply to my heart. it concerns a declaration of support and loyalty that i hunger for but feel as if it is in very short supply in my life right now.

things have changed and i sit here haunted by the sibling thoughts of "what is wrong with me and what do i keep doing wrong that cause men to leave my life?"

people tell me i internalize the cause of the actions of others too much. i don't disagree; however, i also think that it's difficult not to when the long and continuing history of circumstantial evidence is so convincing.

and yet as much as this song touches me so strongly because of the desire to experience this from my friends, i know that it goes deeper still because this is the type of friend i strive to be. i try, but as the previous paragraph suggests, i'm not too confident in how successful i am in accomplishing that objective.

not while i'm around - josh groan

not ready

it's my last day of vacation, and i feel completely unprepared to re-enter the world of work. it's not as much that i am not looking forward to the daily stressors (which i'm not); it's more that i can tell i am in this space of great apathy about the work and the organization of which i am a part and i have no idea how i am going to be able to perform in the way and at the levels i need to and have previously. i literally don't care, and if conditions and circumstances do not change soon, i don't really want to be in that environment anymore. and this is where it gets tricky.

as nice as the area i live in is, i have been very lonely and unhappy here for quite a bit of time. i moved here not knowing anyone and for a variety of reasons have not been able to establish any relationships. couple that fact with the dissatisfaction at work and it would seem moving on would be the best thing.

i thought leaving was the most likely solution until one day last week when i realized that i'm not really in the emotional condition to relocate. first of all, moving is a major stressor, and i don't think i could handle trying to rebuild a life in yet another new location at this point. the second and perhaps more significant matter is i don't feel it would be a good idea to leave my current doctors in the midst of being treated for my depression. who knows if i would have the energy or motivation to find new ones in a new location and as difficult as finding a solution has been here, i think i would be really screwed if i stepped away from the treatment attempts at this point.

so here i am feeling pretty much stuck in a no win situation. i'm not happy with being here (and by "here" i refer to my physical, mental and emotional spaces) and yet not i don't feel able to move on to a better situation. actually, the saddest part is that i'm not sure if whether i stay or go, i even know what a better situation looks like or if i did whether one truly exists for me. yeah, it's not a good place to be at all.

here's a song whose chorus i am struggling to put into action. i try, but life (and my seeming inability to cope with it) keep getting in the way.

breathe (2 a.m.) - anna nalick

for simplicity's sake

a month or so back, i wrote an entry about how i'd come to dread the everyday inquiry of "how are you?" today, during a long, just completed walk, i came up with a simple, if somewhat inelegant response. when asked that question in personal inquiries on my current condition, i will respond, "pretty much the same." if that is my response than people will know that:

i am still gripped in a deep and pervasive depressive state

my mind still feels irreparably damaged and my heart inconsolably shattered

i wake each morning wondering why i should get out of bed and dreading entering into the day

i endure the activities of work (week) or home (weekend) feeling that my life matters little and that there is no point to my existence

each night i sit in a deafeningly quiet house and proceed through the rest of the evening feeling alone, unwanted, uncared about and unloved

and i go to bed each night attempting to convince myself that i do want to wake up to another day and that i don't want to actively do anything that would prevent that from occurring

the only drawback to my plan is since it seems that no one i know comes by this space unsolicited, it is unlikely that when i use this particular phrase anyone will know exactly to what i'm referring. i'm not sure that matters much. i will know of course. after all, it's been my life for quite a long time now.

p.s. for those with whom i work (none of whom read this blog), when i give the response, "hanging in there," it pretty much means the same thing.

a longing unfulfilled

continuing the theme for the last entry is the song i'm posting for today. what is key with both songs is they speak to this longing to know and be fully known by someone and loved completely for who you are.

it is a longing that i think has existed in me for pretty much all of my life. it is a longing yet to be fulfilled. the significant difference in this phase of my life is that i have started to believe it never will be.

underneath - adam lambert