sent this a.m. to a friend:
hey. hope your thursday is going well. people tell me it's a new year but it feels pretty much the same to me. and so begins 2015.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
no happy new year here
as the last moments of 2014 prepare to fade into memory, i lie here in bed feeling as if my spirit has been crushed by the events of this year. it just seems that 2014 has irreparably broken my spirit and all meaning for my life has drained out of the cracks. i do not look forward to 2015. i don't know how to or why i should.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
more echoes
it's been a little while since i wrote an entry in this blog. the day before christmas eve was the last time i attempted to write something herein. and truth be told, not a whole lot has happened in the interim. my days have been uneventful save for my spending a considerable amount of time chatting with a few friends old and new online.
i'd been managing ok emotionally until last night. that's when the inevitable moment of questioning and doubt came to the fore.
it has been nice to chat online. i've had a feeling that i may even be forging actual friendships with a few guys. then last night i finished a conversation and headed up to bed. the house was dark and of course i was alone. it was at that moment that i felt a deep sense of emptiness in both my home and my heart. i would swear that if i spoke aloud i am sure i would have heard an echo in both places.
then the thought came to me that it may be all well and good to talk with guys virtually, but at the end of the day, i climb into a cold and empty bed with no one to tell me that i am special and that i am loved. and with that thought, the questioning of the validity of all of my experiences over the past couple of weeks poured over me. was i just kidding myself that these guys thought anything more of me than as someone to talk and flirt with? was i again experiencing, as i have with other guys in the same venues, the dynamic of being a nice plaything that they could turn on and off with the push of a button on their computers? no one real. no one substantive. just a ghost in the machine meant for their adoration and gratification.
with all of that swirling through my head, climbing into that cold, empty bed was more difficult than usual. climbing out of it this morning was even more challenging.
i'd been managing ok emotionally until last night. that's when the inevitable moment of questioning and doubt came to the fore.
it has been nice to chat online. i've had a feeling that i may even be forging actual friendships with a few guys. then last night i finished a conversation and headed up to bed. the house was dark and of course i was alone. it was at that moment that i felt a deep sense of emptiness in both my home and my heart. i would swear that if i spoke aloud i am sure i would have heard an echo in both places.
then the thought came to me that it may be all well and good to talk with guys virtually, but at the end of the day, i climb into a cold and empty bed with no one to tell me that i am special and that i am loved. and with that thought, the questioning of the validity of all of my experiences over the past couple of weeks poured over me. was i just kidding myself that these guys thought anything more of me than as someone to talk and flirt with? was i again experiencing, as i have with other guys in the same venues, the dynamic of being a nice plaything that they could turn on and off with the push of a button on their computers? no one real. no one substantive. just a ghost in the machine meant for their adoration and gratification.
with all of that swirling through my head, climbing into that cold, empty bed was more difficult than usual. climbing out of it this morning was even more challenging.
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