off script

i keep forgetting that when people ask how you're doing, unless the answer is "great," they really don't want to know.

here, you drive

there are moments in the midst of all the advice i get for what i need to do to get better when i wish that i could just hand over the keys of my life to the advice giver and say, "here you go, take the keys. you drive. you seem to have a much better idea of what to do with my life than i do. go ahead take the wheel and do what you need to. do" i just seem to be running this thing into one ditch after the other anyway.

nothing new to report

another long day of work. another long evening alone. i'm wondering if every entry from here should just be entitled "ditto."

no one ever comes for me

a truth. a reality. my epitaph.

torturing myself vicariously

i seem to have this uncanny ability, no matter how bad i am feeling, to find some additional opportunity to make me feel worse. so this weekend, a friend shared that he had his first sleep over experience with the guy he has started dating. this morning, i was reminded that another friend is at a destination wedding with his girlfriend.

my thoughts naturally wander to what wonderful experiences they must both be having with people that they love. i then realize that with each experience there is most certainly physical intimacy taking place. with that recognition, my heart sinks even further as i am reminded that i am alone. following quickly after, the recent failed attempt at changing that condition comes sharply into view and the sadness pours out of my eyes once again.

i'm typing this entry in an airport restaurant, preparing to leave town for a three day business trip. i have little energy or enthusiasm for the days of marathon meetings that await me nor am i especially happy about the idea of spending three nights away from home. i think about coming back to an empty house for another solitary weekend, and well, i think you've got the idea.

it's been almost a year of this and rather than becoming more determined or confident that a change can be made in my life, i am even less sure or hopeful that things will get better. sigh. it's going to be another long week.

scaring men

in recent weeks, i've had a few people share with me that they believe the fact that i can be so open and honest about my feelings is an admirable quality. frankly, it doesn't really feel all that admirable from this side. it seems to me that being this way just scares men and pushes me even further away from them.

i open myself up. they look inside and determine i'm not someone with whom they want to engage. i can understand why so many people hide behind facades and stay closed to the world around them. at least when they may experience rejection, they have the excuse that the other person doesn't know the real them. not so for me.

death of a dream

just back from a walk -- my processing and crying time as i referred to it to someone earlier in the day. a song came on that i've posted previously (and will do so again with this entry). it was a love song. as i may have shared before, i think of it as probably a top two favorite (billy joel's "just the way you are" being the other)  and consider it to be one of the most beautifully written/performed of the genre.

as i listened and walked, i saw with my mind's eye my early 30 year old self -- the one who had come to terms with his sexual identity as a gay man and who believed that with that clarity perhaps one day love would be his. it was that version of me that first heard this song and used to hope and dream to one day know the kind of love described so eloquently within it.

as i walked some more, listening and gazing at younger me, i couldn't help but reach back through the years and whisper some words of apology to that person that i know i was but am no longer. "i am sorry that i let you down and your dreams did not come true," i began, "and i am so sorry that i do not believe that such a love will ever be yours/mine or that even such love exists in this world. not for me and not ever." and then the music stopped. and i walked and cried some more.

but it is still a lovely song.

and so much more - linda eder

heart blockage

some months ago i wrote an entry about having to undergo a ct scan of my heart to ensure there was no damage from my high cholesterol levels. as i shared then, the examination revealed that my physical heart was fine and i also felt that it was my "metaphorical" heart that was experiencing the damage. these past couple of weeks i've become very much aware of a new type of heart problem that is quite prevalent in the realm of that figurative heart.

as a result of this unfortunate situation that has happened between myself and someone i considered a friend, i find myself now not very trusting of this specific guy (and to some degree guys in general), particularly in terms of believing that he is indeed my friend and that he does actually care about me as he claims. it's not that there is this active resistance to the belief. it's like there is this "blockage" that is preventing me from truly believing and accepting what he is telling me.

today i underwent a procedure to attempt to remove the blockage. the person in question agreed to assist me. it was a very painful experience (at least for me), and yet, i appreciate the honesty and openness with which the discussion took place.

i cannot tell you if the procedure was a success. what i can share is that as i left that conversation and went about some of the activities of the day, it was clear that my heart was not blocked, and that pain and hurt bled freely and profusely from the newly opened wound. i can also tell that whether healing or a new, even more permanent blockage emerges is entirely dependent on the conditions in which the healing process occurs over the days and weeks to come. if i see signs of hope that life can be different and better than maybe there is a chance to be more open. if not, well i guess i can plan on being closed off for some time to come.