off the map

this morning i had what was at least for me a very painful text message exchange. it pulled out of me perspectives that were rumbling in my heart but i had never given full "voice" to outside of that interior chamber of self. and from that discussion, there have been many more hurt filled thoughts emerging. what this situation has made even clearer is that i am indeed in a period of life where i am lost and have no sense of where to go, what to do or even who to be. here's a song that speaks to this kind of feeling (with the lyrics to boot).

uncharted - sara bareilles

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before,
this is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, I've too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

La la la-a-a-a.
Oh-h-h.

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So low, never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started.
Oh-h
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

like a collapsing star

a scientific phenomenon that has long fascinated me is that of the black hole. as many of you likely already know, the theory of how black holes are formed is that they are the result of stars collapsing in upon themselves. as a result they create what appear to be holes in space that have such intense gravitational forces that not even light can escape from them. it is even possible that they can grow in intensity by consuming stars and other matter around them. it is believed that the black hole marks the end of the life cycle of the star, literally it is a phenomenon caused by the death of that star.

likely because of my fascination, i've drawn on the concept of the black hole before as a metaphor for my emotional state at different times in my life. today is another one of those times. yesterday, i wrote a blog entry about examining my heart. last night, i had another difficult time of of emotional distress, reflecting on all that did not seem right about my life. this morning i awoke feeling as if my heart was collapsing in upon itself.

i fear the pain and distress are becoming too much for me to endure. and i have grown very weary of fighting the voices of doubt and despair. very weary.

when i think of the fact that stars, which generate such a vast amount of light and heat, at some point become an inverted version of themselves - where there was intense light there is now the deepest darkness, where there was scorching heat there is bitter coldness - i wonder what is it that triggers that metamorphosis. as stated before, scientists believe that it is the death of that star. but to me that just explains what happens. the real question is what is the cause?

based on my own experience, i would say it's a lack of love.

examining my heart

a few weeks ago, based on my doctor's advice,  i underwent a ct scan of my heart. my persistently high cholesterol levels had him concerned that there might be plaque build up, resulting in clogged arteries and potential damage to my heart. when the results came back, they indicated that my heart was completely normal, no sign of blockage or damage at all. these results put me in the upper 10th percentile of men in my age category. when i visited my doctor for a follow-up visit, he admitted he was astounded by the result and even asked if i wanted to revisit the decision of my taking anti-cholesterol medication. i stated that i'd rather play it safe and stick to the course we'd started.

the interesting thing is if he was looking for a damaged heart, the wrong one was examined. sure, my physical heart may be a good shape, but if there were a ct scan that could be done of my "figurative" heart, the one that represents the part of me that feels, that experiences love and generates hope, well then i'm pretty positive that a significant amount of bruising and breakage would be evident.

this week, in particular, i've been acutely aware of my heart damage. it does feel as if i'm crumbling from the inside, and the damage just seems to get progressively worse as the days go by. i'm pretty tired of living like this. i'm just pretty tired of life in general.

so, yes, if a diagnostic was done on my other heart then well plenty of problems would be found. unfortunately, i'm not convinced that there's a treatment plan available to correct them.

an early night

it has been a quiet day. quiet save the ever louder voices of my twin demons of doubt and despair. i've taken some medicine to sleep and silence them. even as i try to escape them through slumber, they begin to sing me a lullaby:

you are utterly alone

you are unwanted and unloved

you have been wrong to believe, to trust

your life means little

you will never have what you most desire

you have lost

give in

give up ....

cruel dreams

i have to admit that when it comes to dreaming about my life, i haven't been doing much of either the sleeping or awaken variety, so when i do, it gets my attention. last night i dreamt of visiting michael. he was in a new home, and i was visiting for the first time. as i walked in through the door, he greeted me warmly with a big hug and a bright smile (the kind that comes from a joy that's within) and shared how happy he was to see me again after such a long time apart. he was eager to show me around his new place, and so, we embarked of a tour of the first floor.

as we would stop at each nicely decorated room, he would reach out from behind me and wrap his arms around me in the kind of intimate embrace that felt both familiarly comfortable and heart breakingly painful. it was clear that in my dream, as in my life, it had been quite some time since anyone had held me in that way and it seemed strange to have this man who not only was i no longer with but was with someone else now hold me in such a way. i remember thinking, "please don't do that. it's not fair to anyone."

completing our review of the first floor, we proceeded up a long winding stairway to the second floor. as we approached the top, i could see ahead that someone was coming down to meet us. recognizing his face from the pictures i'd seen online, i realized that this was going to be my first in-person meeting with charles, michael's new boyfriend. he extended his hand in greeting and graciously indicated that he was glad to finally meet me and seemed to genuinely mean it. he seemed quite kind and i was glad that michael had found a good person to be with. as we all went out onto a second floor that was as nicely appointed as the first, i found myself thinking how much i would like to live in a home like this.

as i looked around i noticed close by an open area loft kind of space that was being used as a family room entertainment area. there were some other people assembled there, friends of michael's and charles's, watching television, actively chatting and laughing. a good time was clearly being had by all and i thought to myself that this home had a lightness and energy that the one i shared with michael greatly lacked, particularly in our last years together.

within moments more people began arriving and coming upstairs to join the other assembled guests. after awhile the palpable warmth and joy of the setting was too overwhelming as it just provided such a painful contrast to the sadness in my own heart. i decided to slip out as quickly and quietly as i could, tears starting to trickle down my cheeks, all with the hope that michael would not see me or follow me. the last moments of the dream were of me walking down the stairs and out of the door crying all the way.

and then i woke up in a darkened room and a lonely bed. i managed to drift back off to sleep, but when i awoke this morning, there was a heavy sad ache in my heart that frankly is still with me as i type this entry.

and that's that i suppose. a dream about a happy life -- a life that was not mine. it amazes me that a heart that has felt pretty much dead and unfeeling can manage to find still more ways to break, bleed, and die.

here's a song that i suspect led to the night's imaginings. interestingly enough, as i complete this entry, it's just started playing on my ipod. i'm listening. and while again there are tears, i just ask, no more dreams, please.

breathe again -- sara bareilles

retreating

in a little over an hour, i will be participating in a staff retreat for one of the teams that reports to me. my role will be to lead off the retreat with a three hour discussion of my developing vision of how that team and the organizational function they support will evolve over the next few years. i hope that the discussion is informative, energizing and inspirational. with those last two points, i think that hope applies as much to me as to the members of the team.

over the past 24 hours, i've been thinking of retreating in another form as related to two different situations in my life. as those who came by the blog yesterday observed, my work day was not going exactly as i generally like it to progress. actually progress or rather the seeming lack thereof was the focus of much of my frustration over the course of day. it felt as if i was one of a small minority that seemed to be supportive of  and committed to our strategic priorities and goals. i started to wonder if maybe the time was coming to pack it in here.

i have not been happy in my life outside of work (if a life is what it could be called), and i'm starting to question if no matter how hard i and others work we are ever going to be able to accomplish what we've planned and hoped to achieve. it doesn't seem as if there are many necessarily cheering on our efforts or desiring to actively contribute their own. yesterday, retreating definitely felt like a good option as i headed home from a long day.

this morning, i awoke, and as i was getting ready, i thought about how it had been a few days since i had chatted online with s.r. this led to my contemplating about the course of our friendship, and how it had not been developing in the manner i had hoped or anticipated. even with the distance, i thought maybe we would get to hang out in person every four to six weeks. well, it's been about three times that since we last saw one another with no prospects of an in-person visit in sight. i certainly have been willing and have offered to travel to him, but i can see that's not an option he wants to engage. and so again, as it has a few times over the time we've known each other, the idea of making a hasty retreat came to mind.

i think both of these situations have the same dynamics. each has involved an investment of significant amounts of trust and effort with the hope that they would lead to a desired outcome. each has had situations emerge that have caused me to doubt whether those investments have been wise ones. and so the question presents of whether continuing forward and giving my full self to these specific areas of work and friendship are really in my best interest.

to be honest, my finding the right resolution is certainly not helped by the fatigue that has set in from all of the hours of planning, meeting, discussing in the case of work and battling fears and insecurities in the case of s.r. i don't even know if i have much left to give anyway.

who knows? maybe it's not these particular situations that i should be retreating from at all. maybe it's just life in general. hmm, after letting all of this out, being inspirational is going to be more of a challenge than i thought.

the heavy lifting

today has been an interesting day of work. i came in bright and early and encountered a set of emails that highlighted some problematic dynamics of my specific function's operational approach and of the broader organizational culture. meetings and conversations that have occurred over the course of the day have further brought these same issues into focus, which in terms of my function at least, seem to come down to this key point. when it comes to the work of getting better at what we do, we don't seem to have the critical mass of talent capable of or focused on bringing about the needed improvement and innovation in our work.

i have certainly done my best to fill in for the gaps that exist, but i'm one person. there is no way if we are going to get to where we need to get to that i'm going to be able to do all of the heavy lifting on my own. i've known this for awhile but now am experiencing a certain degree of fatigue and even burn out from working so hard to be a leader in our transformation efforts and not experiencing that same level of engagement or commitment from my peers and colleagues.

what's even more challenging is that i truly believe that this is a not a matter of just attitude. i continue to question if we have enough of the right folks with the aptitude to conceive of and execute on our strategies and priorities. what's even scarier is that this is the first place i've worked that has as many of the right kind of talent to bring about this kind of agenda as we do here. yet i'm led to believe from a review of trade journals and practice literature that there are organizations that are doing great work in this space and have done so through focus, perseverance and discipline.

and i guess i just need to take those concepts to heart. certainly it will take time for us to get to where we need to be. i'm just not sure that i'm going to survive the journey without more equally committed and capable sojourners.

an offer i can refuse

i believe i've mentioned that michael, my ex, has been making contact with me in what i am assuming is an attempt to maintain some type of friendship relationship with me. over the course of a few emails and a facebook chat, he's shared perspectives about being concerned about me, offering words of advice and assurances that he will always be available for support and words of encouragement.

while this may seem like a lovely sentiment,  michael's post break-up attitude makes me feel as if he and i were living in two different realities when we were together. from my vantage point, while i appreciate the sincerity of his offer, i feel that there has been more than enough damage caused by our intimate involvement in one anothers' lives, and therefore, i'm not looking to continue that dynamic.

with that thought, here's a song that pretty much captures how i feel about the situation. the one deviation that my life does take from the lyrics is that i do often feel like i'm drowning and some saving would be in order (ditto with feeling lost). still when i think about michael's offer of help, i envision that situation being akin to throwing this drowning man an anchor.

king of anything - sara bareilles

it doesn't seem to take much

this weekend i'm seeing that it doesn't seem to take much to tip me over into a descent into doubt and depression (or in my case further down that hole). some time of quiet, a thought or two about what a comment may have really meant here, a recollection of a past event there are all the ingredients necessary to lead me to pain-filled questions and conclusions about life in general and my life in particular -- ingredients that seem to be in abundant supply these days.

as thought provoking as that revelation may be, i've been confronted with an even more interesting postulation. if it doesn't seem to take much to perpetuate the emotional struggle i'm experiencing, what and how much will it take to reverse this pattern? if life will get better, as several folks keep telling me, then what are the ingredients and in what amount will they have to appear to facilitate the "better" manifesting in my life?

is this situation an example of the principle of inertia, i.e., a body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force? interestingly enough, another definition or perspective on inertia is that it is the tendency of an object to resist a change in state and/or direction (in this case the state of motion). is my depressed state moving on such a definitive course and at such intense velocity that only an extraordinary intervention will be able to alter these conditions?

at the same time, i continue to wonder why the "ingredients" of despair seem to be in such ready supply and those that may be able to reverse the circumstances seem so scarce if not non-existent. i think it's the paucity of such aid that has me feeling that god, the universe, or whatever seem so cold and uncaring. my dreams, hopes, and desires seem to matter very little, and it's such a recognition that makes me question what exactly is the point of my life (another question that i've pondered over several entries on this blog site).

and so, i guess, based on this last line of thought, the most significant issue at hand is not so much about what will it take for me to move from sadness to happiness from despair to optimism but rather will what it takes ever appear and does anyone care? do i anymore? i'm just not sure about any of it to be honest. not sure at all.