gathering clouds

my mood has been declining fairly precipitously over the course of the morning. right now i'm hovering somewhere between sadness and melancholy with suspicions that at least a somewhat deeper depression is on the way. i can trace the beginnings of this emotional decline to the realization this morning that i had another significant life event coming up in the next week, that being my birthday. it's with that moment of recall that i had a mental image of seeing dark storm clouds looming in the distance. the more i looked at that mental horizon the more i could see that they were gathering strength and heading my way.

i should make clear before moving on with this entry that i am not one of those people who obsess about my age or even necessarily getting older. the only times birthdays even become an issue are when my life circumstances are not as i hoped they would be. it's under these conditions that i look around at my state of affairs and think about what i likely imagined my life would be like at that age. needless to say the present state always greatly suffers by comparison to the predicted one.

what has been a sobering thought though of late is that, even should i live to a ripe old age, i am now entering the time of life that the number of birthdays i have left are fewer than the number i have had to date. while i understand that this is part of life, my desire to have these remaining days to be as meaningful and fulfilling as possible has only become more acute as a result therefore, i am not exactly thrilled that i know my birthday this year will be spent on my reflecting on my feeling alone, isolated, and without love in my life with no discernible prospects for any of that changing anytime soon.

so as the clouds gather, it's no wonder that i find myself doing what i normally would do if there were a literal manifestation of a storm on a saturday. i'm in my bed, ready to take a nap, hoping for better weather ahead.

that didn't take long

these were the words that came to me as i was headed to the elevator at the completion of an 11 hour work day yesterday. three days back from the holiday break and i was already back to putting in long hours. it made me realize that this year is going to be a particularly busy one with the numerous projects and activities that we have going on.

sunday i head out for my first business trip of the year, spending a week in one of our regional offices. then it's back for an intense week of meetings with the national leadership of my function to discuss and further plan out the year's agenda.

i've often said that it's a good thing i love my job because there's so much of it. that was a statement that was made about a job that literally was probably about half the scope of responsibility that i will be gaining this year. i am going into one of those fun phases of life where you have to adjust and change because how you've always approached something is not going to work any more. and it's not just me that is going to have to learn new things but the people i've worked with and the new folks that will be reporting to me will all have to adjust our work approaches. 2014 is going to be a year full of a lot to learn and even more to get accomplished. people keep telling me that's exciting. i keep telling them to remind me of that as the year progresses.

there's a part of me that thinks it will be good to be busy with work as it will give me something productive in which to be engaged. there's another part that is concerned about how i go about building a life for myself outside of work when it feels like there's not going to be much left in terms of time and energy to devote to such an effort. so much to ponder and so much to deal with.

i sent s.r. a song this morning. i wasn't entirely sure why except i heard it and thought of him and that i needed to send it to him. i'm listening to it now. i may not be sure of why i sent it but i am sure that i'm going to need to listen to it and be reminded of the message contained within it quite a bit myself.

details in the fabric - jason mraz

it sure is

to state that i am a music lover would likely be unnecessary to those who have read this blog for any length of time. one of the aspects of music that i greatly value is how listening to even a simple lyric of a song can unleash a whole cascade of thought and emotion. these can be feelings, memories, or revelations directly related to the literal meaning of the song or the song can merely be the catalyst that leads to a reflective experience that has nothing at all to do with the song's subject matter. whether the thoughts are are happy or sad, encouraging or discouraging, i am fascinated by the phenomenon.

as you've probably already assumed with this introduction, i experienced this dynamic earlier today. actually it occurred at the very beginning of my day as i was engaged in my morning ritual of listening to music as i was getting ready for work. i was listening to the album coil by one of my favorite bands toad the wet sprocket. to be honest, i was only half listening to the album as one tends to do with music that is particularly familiar, but the song rings came on, which interestingly enough is one of the briefer songs, and as it played, the following lyric somehow caught my attention:

isn't it strange, how truth can change?

my almost reflex reaction was, "it sure is," and a whole train of thought started on how the "truth" of my life seemed so different now than it was even a few months ago. in the blink of an eye, it feels i've gone from being a "we" to an "i", from having the seeming security provided by being in a committed relationship to (what is at least for me) the discomfiting uncertainty of life on my own. while the break up may have built over months, it only took one conversation for it to be enacted. my "truth" changed in the span of an hour plus long discussion.

i keep thinking that such a thought should be encouraging. if "truth" can change from a desired state to a difficult one in what seems like overnight, could not the same thing happen in reverse? i've reflected before on how my logical and emotional sides are often at odds on the same thought. in this case, my "head" fully apprehends that of course such a change is possible, but for some reason, unfortunately, my "heart" is just not in it.

some wisdom to share

here's a quote i came across yesterday (it was on my inspirational quote a day calendar) that i felt was worth sharing. i wish i could say that my heart is apprehending the full motivation that should be coming from this wisdom (the author is a favorite of mine), but i know it should and hopefully will someday. i also hope that it will serve as inspiration for you:

listen to your life. see it for the fathomless mystery that it is. in the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments and life itself is grace.

fredrick buechner

the conundrum

co·nun·drum

kəˈnəndrəm/

noun

noun: conundrum; plural noun: conundrums

1. 1.

   a confusing and difficult problem or question; a logical postulation that evades resolution.

there is a conventional wisdom that states that the best time to look for a job is when you already have one -- the logic being that the ability to think rationally and engage appropriately in the job search is afforded by the security of knowing that you are employed and don't necessarily need the next job to meet your life's basic requirements. i have a similar postulation when it comes to friendships. at least when it comes to my own life, i've found that the best time for me to develop a friendship is when i don't really need one.

 

i've been reminded of that personal belief at different times over the last few weeks, but this perspective came most strongly to mind this past saturday. i got a brief instant message from s.r. i which he shared that he had just gotten back from hanging with his "bff," a friend he's known since childhood and highly values. i got to thinking how truly nice it must have been for him to have spent time with someone who knows him so well. that fact then got me thinking about my not too long ago visit with my best friend from early childhood and how comforting that was to spend time with someone who knows me and cares about me and vice-versa. i also thought about my dear friend rjg, who i've known since middle school, and the wonderful visits we got to have over the last few years when i lived on the east coast with the same joys of shared understanding and support. i then thought about how nice it would be to have someone like that here in my current life.

 

that's when the warm, blissful reminiscing turned to bone chilling reality. i couldn't see how i could develop such a meaningful relationship now, when i needed it most, given my current emotional state. to form friendships requires a certain amount of openness and yet it is so very difficult to be open when you feel so completely vulnerable. i've experienced this conundrum even in my fledgling long distance friendship with s.r.

 

here's an example. in a recent online chat he was trying to provide some encouragement that i would get past my present challenges. in doing so, in a moment i would imagine of some exasperation with my yet again recounting the loneliness and hurt i was experiencing, he began his rebuttal with the statement, "you are not special ...." now the rational side of me knew exactly what he meant. he was saying that i was not at all unique in the experiences i was having. many people have gone through the same experiences and emerged whole. the unfortunate thing about that particular choice of words though is i had just written this blog entry about that very subject. so my immediate emotional reaction was, "yes, i am well aware that no one thinks of me as special."

 

this illustration is not about s.r. using the wrong words. he didn't. it's about how the broken state of my heart took in what was meant to be encouragement and fractured it into more pain, more recrimination about my worth and value and more doubts about the prospects for having my heart's desire met. it's about the fact that, as much as i don't want that kind of reaction to happen, it just does. i do my best to fight it but my defenses are paper thin and my resolve is spent. and so the words come in and the pain is wrought.

the funny thing is i do fully recognize that this is a part of what life in relationship is about. it's about the possibility of saying the wrong thing or even intentionally saying something and hurting someone or being hurt by someone. again, in a time when my life feels rich and full of love, such words, if they caused any hurt at all, would be quickly forgiven and forgotten. in this case, there is obviously nothing to forgive. my problem is that i can't seem to forget it. this is not a life i enjoy living, if that's what this can be called.

 

 

 

 

a rough night defined

this is why i love alanis morissette. thank you alanis for helping me to explain who i am and what i'm experiencing.

tapes - alanis morissette

i am someone easy to leave
even easier to forget
a voice, if inaccurate

again, i'm the one they all run from
diatribes of clouded sun
someone help me find the pause button

all these tapes in my head swirl around
keeping my vibe down
all these thoughts in my head aren't my own
wreaking havoc

i'm too exhausting to be loved
a volatile chemical
best to quarantine and cut off

all these tapes in my head swirl around
keeping my vibe down
all these thoughts in my head aren't my own
wreaking havoc

all these tapes in my head swirl around
keeping my vibe down
all these thoughts in my head aren't my own
wreaking havoc

i'm but a thorn in your sweet side
you'd be better off without me
it'd be best to leave at once

all these tapes in my head swirl around
keeping my vibe down
all these thoughts in my head aren't my own
wreaking havoc

lowered expectations

after another rough night emotionally, i'm coming to the realization that my expectations for life in the moment have become significantly lowered. simply put, all i hope for at this point is being able to get through each hour of the day fulfilling the responsibilities and accountabilities i have on my plate and just making it to the next one, which, in turn, will be focused on just making it through.

it would be nice to hope for more, to aspire to more than just existing, but when mere existence is as painful as it is for me right now, then it's just going to have to be enough to do that.

i have to admit that i'm not looking forward to re-engaging with the world over the next couple of weeks. i feel that everyone will be expecting me to be "better" and the truth is i am so not. in fact the struggles i've had over the past week and half have been pretty taxing and wearying and i find myself still pretty emotionally fragile. i'm not sure how i will function in the hectic pace of my work environment, but again, for the foreseeable future, it's going to have to be about just making it through each day, minute by minute, hour by hour.

they tell me it's a new year. i guess i'm seeing that it takes more than the flip of a page in the calendar to make one feel that much has changed from one year's experience to the next. with that i think it's time for another nap.