indeed they do ...

it seems strange to be so affected by the feeling of loss of something you barely had.

torch - alanis morissette

i'm feeling better, but ...

over the past couple of months, i've been on a slow and steady journey out of the pit of depression in which i've been trapped for almost two years. through a regimen of new medications, i am no longer plagued by suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, nor do i wake or go to bed with a sense of dread about the day ahead. everyday i wake up and go through my day on pretty much of a balanced emotional keel. i am grateful for this change and as i shared with someone recently, old demons die hard and deep pain heals slowly.

this week, i've been reminded of the truth of that statement as i've pondered what have been two central struggles in my life over this same two year period. the first is related to my friendship with sean (i've decided to no longer dance around to whom i've been referring over many a recent entry since it is blatantly obvious that he has been the subject of focus). in those entries i shared my fears that our friendship was disintegrating -- fears that admittedly come from hurts deeply rooted in my psyche by bad past experiences.

as i've witnessed the friendship dynamic shift from daily contact to at best once per week minimal discourse, the concerns that we are moving into "i wonder how he's doing territory?" have continued to grow. even with a recent (but brief) online chat about his belief our friendship is solid and that the change is due to a combination of busyness and his not exactly being in the best emotional space himself, the fears won't leave me. no matter how well meaning and confident in his beliefs i trust he is, and at the risk of sounding cliched, i've been given the reassurance speech before from people who i sit here now and think "i wonder how he's doing," with no real certainty that they are even thinking the same about me.

today is the second anniversary of the date we first met up. it remains a dear and cherished memory for me. i sent sean a text earlier today wishing him a "happy 'first time meeting up' anniversary" with the expressed hope that there will be many more. i know i feel i value his friendship as strongly today as i did in those early days (maybe even more so), and i am doing my very best to believe there will be more shared good times to come (based on a recent statement, he certainly seems convinced there will be). again and sadly, my past experience tells me differently and the question of why i should believe that this time would be any different remains persistently close at hand.

an equally troubling result is that i can tell that the situation is affecting my desire to seek out other relationships of any type with men. "why should i open myself to what will only turn into a very painful situation of further loss and rejection," i ask. i have no satisfactory answer to compel me to move forward and so here i remain, my heart locked up tight.

so the second situation involves my place of work. this time last year, we went through a painful reduction in force prompted by poor financial performance. this year the numbers are even worse and the cuts feel that they are going even deeper. to that end, i had to let go a few folks on my team this past week. in addition, i have to make additional cuts to my budget so that we can meet our departmental target. it's not exactly encouraging to function in an environment in which it seems that the powers that be are not able to figure out how to right the ship and so instead are choosing "easy" but damaging solutions over the long-term. i also wonder if there will ever be a day when the people who have made the decisions are actually impacted in terms of their continued employment by the poor decisions they have made.

what is even more discouraging is the growing realization i am working with people who lack vision and the desire to be innovative, not for the sake of being different, but because such changes will actually make us more effective in the work we do for the people we serve. a recent conversation brought back into focus the conservative nature of my peers, and, to a lesser extent, my boss. i think i've shared before that my job is focused on strategic development and transformation of how we are organized and operate. it's difficult to believe that what i am supposed to be accomplishing can have any true success when at every turn those with whom i work question why any radical change is really necessary. this attitude seems to be the prevailing perspective of our entire organization, and it is the reason, i believe, we find ourselves in the unfortunate position we do.

so here i am with both a friendship and a work situation neither of which is turning out the way i had hoped. worse still there doesn't appear to be any positive resolution anywhere in sight. so, yes, i am feeling better; but the chance to have a happy, fulfilled life continues to elude me.