i don't want to be here

i don't want to be here anymore.

what i'm listening to now

every morning i wake up to music (unless i'm traveling as is the case now). the album that is my current rotation is jason mraz's latest, yes! the following song is one of my favorites on that particular cd. i look forward to getting back to it.

best friend - jason mraz

i think i may have shared this before

not too much to share today. i'm out of town on business again. i'm not feeling too good about my life again. i'm not hopeful that things will be any different anytime soon if ever. if anything changes, i'll get back to you.

seeing something i know so well for the very first time

i've listened to and sung along with this song so many times. today, as it came to mind in relation to a certain recent experience, i realized that as much as i thought i knew it, i have an entirely new way of seeing and experiencing it. part of me wishes that wasn't the case.

bring me to life - evanescence

clear skies, overcast heart

it feels as if i'm entering another dark period where i seem almost entirely out of step with what's going on in the world around me. i don't feel particularly good about life in general and my life specifically. and as i've expressed before, that feeling alone is challenging enough. the fact that i have no idea how or when or even if it will ever change is what is the truly disheartening part.

it's been a year of feeling pretty much this way. as i shared with sean last night, i am so tired of feeling like this and i really don't think i can do this much longer. i seem to say that every day and every night and another day and another night come and go and the feeling is the same.

i used to believe that i could be happy. what is my life if i no longer have that belief?

please prove me wrong

i'm not having the best of days today. i woke up feeling a bit off and over the course of the morning that "bit off" has morphed into "not all that great," and i'm concerned where i will be by the time i leave the office today. maybe i should have realized that after thinking through the emotion of yesterday and coming to the conclusion that, "maybe i should just accept that i'm never going to be happy," that this was not exactly going to be a banner day.

so, as grateful as i am for what happened on friday, there is a part of me that feels as if maybe it would have been better if it had not taken place at all if that is all there will be of it. because now i find myself back in that place where i am almost in direct communion with my brokenness. it feels as if my internal self is completely embodying the emotional pain and it's at moments like this that if i could will myself to dissipate into my constituent atoms and just blow away in the wind never to be seen or heard from or thought of again, i probably would.

and yet i know what i really want is not to vanish but to experience more of what happened friday or really what i thought friday was leading to. i had so hoped it would be the beginning of something more. but my past experiences have made me doubt that something good happening in my life is really not possible.

maybe i wasn't so off with my thought earlier today, but i so would love to be proved wrong.

i wonder?

i wonder when, this side of death, the pain of my daily living will end?

i wonder when something that felt so right and good and true in a shadowed moment remains the same in the light of day the next day and the day after that and the day after that?

i wonder when the people who tell me to trust them, to believe them that they will remain in my life are actually there a week, a month, a year later?

i wonder when i will stop having these times when i feel that life is just about disappointment?

i wonder when i will stop questioning what is the point, where is the meaning, why am i continuing on?

i wonder when i won't feel so very, very, very alone?

i wonder if such a life could ever happen for me?

a couple of moments in time

this past friday i had an experience that was intense and sweet and over much too soon. i've thought about those moments all through this weekend and i would have to say the biggest struggle that i am having is when or even if such moments will happen again. it feels almost cruel to experience something so nice, a hint of something that you know you've desperately needed, and yet to have no sense or confidence whether you will ever see this person or have those kind of moments again.

i had a similar though more limited experience about a year ago. at the time, i believed that it would not be the last. still, as the days following turned into weeks and into months and now into almost a year, my belief has waned, and i have had to accept that that moment is past and may not come again. and so it is with what occurred two scant days ago.

i think accepting what may never be again is difficult enough. the questioning of whether my life will only be these kinds of solitary, isolated moments is what has truly made my heart very heavy this day.