the never knowing

this past week i experienced probably the most painful therapy session i've had since re-engaging in seeing a psychotherapist. so painful in fact that i started packing up to leave before my therapist (who i will henceforth refer to as "dr. m") even had to tell me that our time was coming to a close. i had gotten to the point where i literally could not talk anymore, and i left wondering why i voluntarily subject myself to this kind of experience week after week.

the depression is continuing to escalate. it's gone from something i experienced just late at night to late evening and early morning to evening and morning and now it is starting to creep into all parts of the day. every day i have thoughts of not being sure if i can go into another day feeling the way that i do. i have had so many times in my life that i've been in this state that it just seems as if this is all that life is and if this is all it is, then maybe it's not for me.

during this week's session i came to the realization that what is most hurtful to me about the dissolution of my friendship with sean is that i will never know what happened. i will never have an explanation as to why we went from being friends who communicated multiple times a day about all things in life to a state where i don't hear from him for weeks at a time and can't get him to engage in the simplest of conversations when he does manage to respond. even when i ask him directly to tell me what's going on, he can't find it in himself to tell me.

i haven't heard from him in a month and given the fact that i am done with reaching out to him, i suspect i never will again. as a result i believe my chance to have some explanation, some understanding of why i lost another person that i cared about deeply is gone forever.

this is not the first relationship where this kind of dynamic has been at play. the most profound is, of course, my relationship with my father (or lack thereof). he was not present at all in my life, and he died before i could ever find out the reason why. i shared with dr. m this week of how, as a child, i used to imagine finding him some day and if not establishing a relationship at least getting him to share his reasons for not acknowledging my existence. death robbed me of that chance and replaced it with an unsolvable mystery.

i often wonder why i have been the "lucky" one to experience this kind of situation over and over in my lifetime. i guess that answer is just something else that will have to be packed away in the place of never knowing.